Mister Ed Quotes

Mister Ed

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Cherokee Ed Wilbur Post: Aren't you excited about carrying a descendent of General Custer's parrot? Mister Ed: No. Indian horse never carry green chicken that talk like men. Wilbur Post: Indian horse? Are you kidding? Mister Ed: Nope. Me Cherokee Ed. My Momma done told me. Wilbur Post: How can you be an Indian? You're a blonde. Mister Ed: Under blonde skin - me redskin.
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Don't Skin That Bear Wilbur Post: [to Carol's father, about how proud he is of being married to Carol] I'm so glad you had a daughter, instead of a son, or else, we'd all be sitting around as perfect strangers.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Spies Strike Back Mister Ed: My mother didn't raise her horse to be a jackass.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Ed Sniffs Out a Cold Clue Wilbur Post: You're wasting time. You can't tell anything by sniffing that glove. Mister Ed: Oh, no? Look at my face, Wilbur. It's all nose.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Ed Sniffs Out a Cold Clue Kosh: Sooner or later some government will pay our price. Derek: What about that little country - Outer Monrovia? Surely, they would be interested in buying an American military secret. Kosh: They are - but they can't afford to buy it until they get their next loan from the United States.
	Season 5 / Episode 23: - Robin Hood Ed Wilbur Post: [referring to Robin Hood] He used to steal from the rich, and you know why? Mister Ed: Because the poor didn't have any money.
	Season 5 / Episode 21: - My Horse, the Mailman Gordon Kirkwood: Aaahhh! Good morning, Winnie, darling. Isn't this a gorgeous day? Winnie Kirkwood: Well, someone's in a good mood today. Gordon Kirkwood: Well, why shouldn't I be? A beautiful wife, a wonderful home - everything to live for. Who you writing to? Winnie Kirkwood: My mother - I'm asking her to spend a month with us. Gordon Kirkwood: I'll kill myself. Winnie Kirkwood: Oh now, Colonel, stop. You know you like Mother - you're always asking me to phone her in New York. Gordon Kirkwood: Certainly - I want to make sure she's still there.
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Ed the Sentry Carol Post: If you were in the desert with Mister Ed and me, and there was enough water for two of us, who would get the water? Wilbur Post: You and Ed, of course. Carol Post: If there was just enough water for one of us, who would get it? Wilbur Post: Well, uh... Carol Post: Why is it taking you so long to answer? Wilbur Post: You, you'd get the water. Carol Post: Well, that's better. Wilbur Post: Unless you'd care to give yours to Ed, I mean, I gave my water to you. Carol Post: You'd give all of the water to Mister Ed. Wilbur Post: Don't be ridiculous. I'd have only one choice, of course. Carol Post: Of course, who? Wilbur Post: Who? Carol Post: While you're choosing between us, I could be fainting on that desert. Wilbur Post: So could Ed, and he'd be a lot heavier to drag back into town.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Ed's Juice Stand Mister Ed: Maybe I won't be here when he gets back. If I have nothin' to look forward to, I might as well look forward to it somewhere else.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Heavy Rider Wilbur Post: Ed, I haven't got time to play games. Mr. Banning wants to go for a ride. Mister Ed: Tell him to throw a saddle over a taxi. Wilbur Post: He is not that heavy. Mister Ed: Oh, no? He's got fat in places where you're not even supposed to have places. Wilbur Post: Ed, you're exaggerating. Mister Ed: Oh, yeah? If you put us both on a seesaw, my feet would never touch the ground.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Ed Writes Dear Abby Mister Ed: Wilbur, why don't we write a letter to Dear Abby? She could give us advice on what I should do. Wilbur Post: Okay, we'll write Dear Abby. How's this? "Dear Abby, my horse told me that he wants to leave home and have his own swinging bachelor apartment. Do you think he's right? Signed, Butterfly Net." Because that's exactly what they'll throw over me. Mister Ed: You don't have to say your horse told you. Tell her it was your cat.
	Season 4 / Episode 26: - Moko Moko the Martian: Tatti, I'm planning another trip to Earth. Tatti the Martian: Oh, no. Moko the Martian: I'm bored, Tatti. I want to do things Earthlings do, like taste a piece of steak, smell a rose, dance. Dance with a woman. Tatti the Martian: A woman? Oh, yes I forgot. Back on Earth, they still have two sexes. Well, thank goodness we've evolved past that stage. Moko the Martian: I don't know. I think we took a wrong turn someplace.
	Season 4 / Episode 26: - Moko Moko the Martian: Whew! What a trip back. We've got to do something about those Earth astronauts. They're really reckless drivers. Tatti the Martian: Moko, forget this whole adventure. Instead tonight, you and I will sit back and think of a beautiful symphony. Moko the Martian: A symphony? You must be out of your cloud-picking mind. I've got a swinging party going on tonight! Heh, heh!
	Season 4 / Episode 26: - Moko Wilbur Post: Ed, what do you supposed made us do all that? Mister Ed: I don't know, Wilbur. There are a lot of things in this world that can't be explained. Wilbur Post: Well, what do you do about it? Mister Ed: Nothing. Just enjoy it. Moko the Martian: I know I did!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Ed the Desert Rat Mister Ed: [painting] Whew! This is the hottest prairie I've ever seen. Wish I could get into the shade. But the only shade is under me!
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Ed the Desert Rat Mister Ed: Oh, shut up! They'll be no free lunches on Ed! I'd better keep moving, show them I'm still alive. Mister Ed: There, that got rid of them. Or, did they go home to bring back ketchup?
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - Ed the Desert Rat Mister Ed: Gee, look at the size of that vulture. He's got two men in him and he's still hungry!
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Ed the Shish Kebab Wilbur Post: Now, let me think. What else could I put in that box? Mister Ed: Forget it! You're not measuring me for any box. Wilbur Post: Of course, instead of swords, I'll use spears. I'll get a special box made. Mister Ed: Yeah, with six handles so they can carry me out. Wilbur Post: You'll be find, Ed. This is the way it works: you get in the box, and I stick the spears through... Mister Ed: And there I am: shishkebob! Wilbur Post: You'll be all right. I'll hire and special carpenter to make the box, see? Everything down will be measured to the fraction of an inch. You'll be as safe as... Mister Ed: Sitting on a deck chair on the Titanic!
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Ed the Shish Kebab Wilbur Post: Ed, don't you want me to beat Marty Bixby and win this magic contest? Mister Ed: No harpoons for me! My name is Mister Ed, not Moby Dick. Wilbur Post: Ed, didn't you tell me that you're dying to go to San Francisco? Mister Ed: When I said it, it was just a figure of speach.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Ed the Shish Kebab Wilbur Post: Ed, do you think I'd take a chance hurting you? Mister Ed: No. Wilbur Post: If I thought you'd get the slightest scratch, do you think I'd put you in that box? Mister Ed: No. Wilbur Post: So, will you do the trick for me tomorrow night? Mister Ed: NO!
	Season 3 / Episode 17: - Unemployment Show Wilbur Post: Just think, tomorrow's Ed's first day on the job. Life's funny, you know. You get a young horse like Ed, you coddle him, you play with him, you spoil him a little bit, you hope he doesn't grow up. First thing you know, he's punching a timeclock. Carol Post: [sarcastic] It's tough. Wilbur Post: Good for him, though. Work's good, builds character. I would't want him difting through life like Kay's brother. A horse has got to learn to stand on his own four feet. Carol Post: It's late, go to sleep honey. Wilbur Post: I think I'll make him a nice lunch tomorrow. Something that'll give him energy. What should I make for him, Carol? Carol Post: [more sarcastic] How about a triple-decker hay sandwich?
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Horse Party Mister Ed: [about the fact that Ed has caused Wilbur a lot of trouble for a sneaky trick he played on his wife and neighbors, so he could have his birthday party] Don't be sore at me, Wilbur. I'm only a nine year old kid. Wilbur Post: Well, nine years old in a horse is equal to sixty in a human being. Mister Ed: Then stop yelling at an old man.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Sorority House Mister Ed: Hello? Kay Addison: [voice] Hello? I'd like to make a reservation. Is this Trans Continental Airlines? Mister Ed: No, lady. This is the Pony Express! [hangs up]
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Sorority House Wilbur Post: You're some horse. You'll talk to people over the phone. You'll talk to people from behind closed doors, from behind walls, bushes. But why is it that you will not talk in front of anyone but me? Mister Ed: How should I know? As your wife and neighbors say, I'm just a dumb animal. Wilbur Post: Of all the millions of horses in this world, I end up with the one that talks.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Sorority House Roger Addison: Wilbur, would you do me a favor? Wilbur Post: Sure, what is it? Roger Addison: Will you let me borrow your horse this weekend for State University's Homecoming football game? Wilbur Post: I doubt they'll accept him. He never graduated from high school. Roger Addison: I'm serious. I went today to visit the boys at Sigma Nu Delta, my old fraternity. It seems that State U's rival college, Brighton University, stole their mascott, a palomino horse. So, I promised the boys that the could use your horse for this weekend's homecoming football game. What do you say? Wilbur Post: Well, since you promised... Wilbur Post: You can't have him. Roger Addison: Why, thank... I beg your pardon? Wilbur Post: Maybe you should find another horse. Ed's very uncomfortable away from his home. Roger Addison: But the university is only a 20 minute drive from here, and the boys will bring him back right after the game. Wilbur Post: Well, since they'll bring him back... Wilbur Post: You can't have him. Roger Addison: Wilbur, I've already promised the boys that they could have your horse. You're putting me in a difficult position. Wilbur Post: If that's the case... Wilbur Post: Then, you're in trouble.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Busy Wife Wilbur Post: Ed! Why do you insist on eavesdropping on our party line? Mister Ed: You haven't been around for three days. I'm lonesome. Wilbur Post: I've been busy. Mister Ed: Doing what? Keeping house? Wilbur Post: What's wrong with a man helping his wife around the house? Mister Ed: Nothing. It's supposed to be a woman's job, Wilma. Wilbur Post: Wilbur!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Busy Wife Mister Ed: If you were a real man, your wife would stay home nights. Wilbur Post: Are you saying that Carol is losing interest in me? Mister Ed: If the horseshoe fits. Wilbur Post: Well, what am I doing wrong? Mister Ed: Nothing. That's what's wrong.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Busy Wife Mister Ed: Boy, am I glad I remained a bachelor!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Busy Wife Wilbur Post: Oh, your wife came by. She took Carol to a women's club meeting. Roger Addison: Club meeting? I hope you have a good photo of your wife. Wilbur Post: Why? Roger Addison: You may not be seeing her for years. You let your wife join the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement? Wilbur Post: What is so terrible about that? Roger Addison: Before Kay joined the W.C.C.I., I had a wife. Now, I've learned I've married a Gypsy. Wilbur Post: Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much. Roger Addison: I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Busy Wife Roger Addison: Wilbur, when you let your wife join that women's club, you became a husband without portfolio. A married bachelor. A man in search of a can opener. Wilbur Post: Now, hold on. You just don't know my wife. Roger Addison: Your wife, my wife, they're all the same. First they get married to escape from their parents. Then they join clubs to escape from their husbands.

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