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Fun Facts:» Trivia» Quotes » Goofs |
 | Season 1 / Episode 9: - Episode 109 Host: Are there any white people in here with tattoos? You... you are the whitest dude here. [everybody laughs] Dude, you are the cracker in my soup. Come on, what is your tattoo? Audience Member: [rolling up his sleeve] It's a tribal arm band. Host: Oh, the tribal arm band! Well, what tribe are you from, "Chad?" You see what I'm saying? "Chad" is an Indian now! I'm just kidding, dude. I know your name isn't Chad. What is your name? Audience Member: [embarrassed] It's... Blake. |
| Unknown Episode: Host: Dee-Dee-Dee! |
| Unknown Episode: Host: If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby. |
| Unknown Episode: Host: [after watching a clip about shark attacks] That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news! |
| Unknown Episode: Announcer: The vaguvinator! Vaguvinate your vagina and make him think it's your first time, every time! |
| Unknown Episode: Host: Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second. Stacy: Okay. |
| Unknown Episode: Stacy: Carlos, seriously, it's the president of the United States. Host: S-send him through. George Bush: Carlos, it's president George W. Bush. Ya got a minute? Host: Yea, Yeah, what's up? George Bush: Well, I just want to say that uh, Laura and I really love your show. Host: God... I'm honored, sir. George Bush: Well, I appreciate that, but I do have an official request for ya, CM. Host: What would that be? George Bush: Well, Carlos, I've always tried to be a uniter, not a divider. Unfortunately, I feel your racialistically charged material is pulling this country apart. So as a favor to me, and America, could you please stop tellin' those ethnical jokes? Ya know, I'd appreciate that. Host: Sir, I love this country more than anything in the world, and I respect what you've done so much... but, the one thing I truly love about this country is freedom of speech. So... You can go fuck yourself, you redneck cracker! |
| Unknown Episode: Host: We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work? |
| Unknown Episode: Host: When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping. |
| Unknown Episode: Host: If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole. |
| Unknown Episode: Host: Hey, bro. You dropped your keys. Fountain Drinker: Who are you calling, 'bro,' bitch? [spits water] |
| Unknown Episode: Host: [as gas station counter guy] Aren't you the one with twelve kids? Hispanic Woman Customer At Gas Station: [smiles] Yes I am. Host: [looks at camera]... What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again! |
| Unknown Episode: Host: [to overweight lady while he's a gas station store check-out guy] If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred. |
| Unknown Episode: Host: [to Spanish customer who cusses at him as she walks out] I know Spanish too, Punta! |
| Unknown Episode: Host: Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman? |
| Unknown Episode: Peter Boyle: [reading Carlos' hate mail] Dear Carlos, I have seen you perform 27 more times than any other comedian. I brought my parents, my wife, and my brother, and I honestly have to say... your act sucks! I too am a latino, and I find your stereotyping of our race disgusting. I'm as liberal as the next guy, but I just can't stand you California queers! The one thing that lets me sleep is knowing you'll never end up on TV... maybe basic cable. Carlos Mencia, your a racist spic! GO FU*K YOURSELF! Sincerely, Michael Hernandez. |
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