Maude Quotes

Maude

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Unknown Episode: Dr. Arthur Harmon: My first wife Agnes would never have gone out and left the house the way you did. Vivian Cavender Harmon: No, the only way Agnes could get out of the house was to DIE!
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: [Mrs. Naugatuck is cleaning the house while singing] Listen to her. She's the perfect housekeeper. Sings like a bird and works like a horse. Walter Findlay: Which is quite an improvement over your mother who works like a bird and sings like a horse. Maude Findlay: [Screaming from upstairs] GOD'LL GET YOU FOR THAT WALTER! Walter Findlay: And has ears like a rabbit.
	Unknown Episode: Walter Findlay: [Enters the kitchen, where Maude and Mrs. Naugatuck are arguing] Maude, SIT! Maude Findlay: [Maude obeys and sits like a dog] Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [Mrs. Naugatuck continues to shout] Walter Findlay: Mrs. Naugatuck, SIT! Mrs. Nell Naugatuck: [She obeys and sits like a dog]
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: [Walter admits that he faked being ill] Oh, Walter, I'm the happiest woman in the world! [She gets up, hugs him and says through clenched teeth] You son... of... a... bitch!
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Arthur Harmon: [to Maude] What's this great romance you have going on with Marijuana? Maude Findlay: Look Arthur, I smoke as much grass as you do... none. Carol Tranior: Arthur, you've got some nerve, condemning Harold Collins when you're standing here dispensing drugs as if they're going out of style, and on top of it, you're hung over from drinking.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: Listen darling, I'm so sorry I'm so edgy, but i'm exhausted. I was so nervous about this morning that I didn't sleep a wink last night. Walter Findlay: Well why didn't you take something, like a couple of Seconals? Maude Findlay: We're out of Seconals, but I did take two Chloral Hydrates and a Librium and they didn't work. Walter Findlay: Well I took two Miltown and a Doriden and I slept like a lamb. Maude Findlay: ...and snored like a moose. No, I should've taken two Meprobromates with a Nembutal instead of the two Chloral Hydrates with the Librium.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition? Carol Traynor: Well, it keeps you awake. Maude Findlay: Bad. That's what GOT me in this condition.
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: Mother, you don't have to have the baby. I told you before there's no reason to feel guilty and there's certainly no reason to be afraid. Carol Traynor: [Frustrated] You're like talking to a stone wall! Maude Findlay: A PREGNANT stone wall!
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: [to Carol, about Walter] Last night, in his sleep, he said Maude, I want to have this baby. Carol Traynor: [With a sigh of relief] Well why didn't you tell me that before? Maude Findlay: Because it's not true. Look, Carol, I just want to get you OFF MY BACK!
	Unknown Episode: Dr. Arthur Harmon: Just between you and me Walter, I don't know why Maude wants to have the baby at all. At her age you know there are certain risks. Walter Findlay: Well don't underestimate the maternal instinct, Arthur. Besides, she might also be fighting the idea of abortion on moral grounds. Dr. Arthur Harmon: And you don't want to interfere? Walter Findlay: I think I interfered enough already!
	Unknown Episode: Walter Findlay: [Referring to a vasectomy] Tell me something. What's it like after... Dr. Arthur Harmon: After the snip, snip? Walter Findlay: [Cringing] After the snip, snip. Dr. Arthur Harmon: Nothing, except you can't make babies. That's all. Walter Findlay: And that's it? Dr. Arthur Harmon: That's it. Walter Findlay: I don't change into a Soprano, do I?
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: Listen honey, would you like a pickle? Walter Findlay: No, thanks. Maude Findlay: They probably go better with pregnancies than with vasectomies.
	Unknown Episode: Walter Findlay: [to Maude] Sweetheart, would it disappoint you too much to learn that becoming a father was never one of my life's ambitions? I- I don't know why. For years I used to feel guilty about it. For years people told me I was nuts or too selfish. How can I not love kids? Well I do love kids, but they don't have to be mine. That's probably the worst confession I'll ever make. Do ya hate me?
	Unknown Episode: Walter Findlay: Maude. I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age. Maude Findlay: [Tearing up] Oh, so do I Walter. [Hugging him] Oh, so do I.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: Just tell me Walter that I'm doing the right thing not having the baby. Walter Findlay: For you Maude. For me. In the privacy of our own lives. You're doing the right thing.
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: [Carol is trying to convince Maude to have an abortion] Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy. When they made it a law you were for it. Maude Findlay: Of course! I wasn't pregnant then!
	Unknown Episode: Vivian Cavender: [Cheerfully] Hi Maude! Carol Traynor: Mother, it's past 8 O'Clock. Maude Findlay: Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: [after Maude has been hitting herself, yelling and grimacing] [Carol and Vivian ask what's wrong] Will you two stop hounding me! If there was something wrong don't you think you'd see it in my behavior?
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: [Afraid to admit she's pregnant] Don't look at me Viv. Maude Findlay: Vivian. [Long pause] I'm pregnant. Vivian Cavender: You're kidding. [Maude remains silent] Aren't you? You're pulling my leg. Maude. [Maude is still silent] Maude? Maude, please pull my leg.
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the baby. Maude Findlay: Oh? What'll I do... trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?
	Unknown Episode: Vivian Cavender: Maude, you haven't told Walter yet, have you? Vivian Cavender: You think he'll be pleased? Maude Findlay: Well, let me put it this way Vivian. You know how pleased I am. Walter will be twice as pleased.
	Unknown Episode: Vivian Cavender: Maude. One thing I don't understand about all this. Weren't you using the pill? Maude Findlay: No. It gives me migraines. Carol Traynor: What did you do, mother... cross your fingers?
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: [to Arthur] Look, the way things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving like rabbits, well we're all gonna end up living like sardines! Maude Findlay: Beautifully put, Carol. I mean it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: [Preparing to admit she's pregnant] Come into the kitchen, Walter. Walter Findlay: What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again? Maude Findlay: Did you hear that everybody? DID YOU HEAR THAT? Not Maude are you sick or Maude are you unhappy or even Maude are you pregnant. No, Maude did you wreck the car again. Walter Findlay: Alright, you're right darling. You're absolutely right and I'm sorry. [Sitting down] So tell me sweetheart, are you sick? Maude Findlay: No. Walter Findlay: Are you unhappy? Maude Findlay: No. Walter Findlay: Are you pregnant? Maude Findlay: [Deadpan] Yes.
	Unknown Episode: Walter Findlay: [after finding out Maude's pregnant] Maude, we've seen enough movies together. This is the place in the movie where we say we're kidding. You were kidding, right? Maude Findlay: [Shaking her head] We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died. Walter Findlay: I know how he feels!
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: [to Maude] You're just scared. Maude Findlay: I am NOT scared! Carol Traynor: [Referring to the abortion process] You are, and it's as simple as going to the dentist. Maude Findlay: NOW I'm scared!
	Unknown Episode: Carol Traynor: [Discussing abortion] Mother, listen to me. It's a simple operation now, but when you were growing up it was illegal and it was dangerous and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over that. Now you tell me that's not true. Maude Findlay: It's not true. And you're right. I've never gotten over it.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: When he says wife, he means possession. Walter Findlay: So what, Maude? You told me a hundred times you want to be possessed. Maude Findlay: Walter Findlay, I never said that standing up and you know it.
	Unknown Episode: Florida Evans: Now, the first week'll be on a trial basis. Maude Findlay: Oh, Florida, don't be ridiculous, you're not on trial. Florida Evans: I know - you are.
	Unknown Episode: Maude Findlay: Florida, if we wanted Geraldine we'd get Flip Wilson.

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