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 | Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op Wounded Soldier: What if they ask me where I got hit? Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar. Wounded Soldier: [Snort] Don't make me laugh. Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that. Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it. Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it. |
| Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op Col. Potter: [on the phone trying to get some whole blood. the 4077th is nearly out] We're squeezin' turnips! All my personnel have already donated twice. Dracula couldn't find a quick snack around these parts! |
| Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op Hawkeye: [the 4077th is dangerously low on blood] Now, Frank, how come you've never donated? Frank Burns: Strategy. One of us should always have a full tank. Hawkeye: Now why didn't I think of that? Col. Potter: Because you're not an idiot. |
| Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op Frank Burns: [talking to a patient in post-op] Kid came through with an unidentifiable rash. I called it Burns Blight. Catchiest name since diarrhea. |
| Season 5 / Episode 23: - Post Op Wounded Soldier: [as Hawkeye treats a gluteal bullet wound] What if they ask me where I got hit? Hawkeye: Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar. Wounded Soldier: [snorts] Don't make me laugh. Hawkeye: Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet. There's nothing amusing about that. Wounded Soldier: Don't I know it. Hawkeye: On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in heck. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee, Mom, I wanna go home. Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce, Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Col. Sherman T. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress? Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [the movie projector goes out, again] I blew the bulb. It's not my fault. Who do I look like, Thomas Edison? Hawkeye: No, you look like Mrs. Edison. |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Hawkeye: [the movie projector goes out once again] Don't blame Klinger. It's an Army projector. Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: It's supposed to break down every five minutes. Hawkeye: Just like the peace talks. |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Hawkeye: Frank, let me use your pen. Frank Burns: No. Hawkeye: Come on, Frank! Frank Burns: N-O! No. Hawkeye: Why not? Frank Burns: Because it's used to the way I write. Hawkeye: It's used to: stupid |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Frank Burns: [doing a Father Mulcahy impression] Uh, the post-op is collapsing and the OR's on fire. Radar: Uh, sorry Father. Radar: Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepititis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow. |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Father Mulcahy: [singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. BJ & Hawkeye: Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Col. Potter: Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Nurses: The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Radar: The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Klinger: Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress? Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. Margaret: The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott. Everybody: Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home. |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Maj. Frank Burns: Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages. Hawkeye: Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie. Hawkeye: Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz! |
| Season 5 / Episode 21: - Movie Tonight Hawkeye: And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest. Hawkeye: [imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly. Cpl. Maxwell Klinger: [imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh. Maj. Frank Burns: [in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire. Margaret: [in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine. Radar: Sorry, Father. Radar: It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow. Col. Sherman Potter: [in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity! Father Francis Mulcahy: Let me just say this about all these impersonations... Hawkeye: That's definitely the Mills Brothers. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Radar: Want to read Major Burns' Popular Mechanics? Sometimes the ads go pretty far. Hawkeye: [sulking about not getting nudist magazines in the mail] Radar, a picture of a three way toilet valve doesn't go very far. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: [trying to take a blood sample from a violent Klinger] Look, in a physical examination, *I'm* the one who's supposed to get physical! Not you! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: [Hawkeye's back is hurting] I already x-rayed it! There's nothing there? Capt. B.J. Hunnicut: Nothing! No spine! Nothing! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Radar: [Father Mulcahy has hepatitis] Ooooh! I ate his sausages! Father Francis Mulcahy: I didn't touch them, Radar. Radar: I know, Father, but they were yours! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: Relax, Frank I just want to see you body. Maj. Frank Burns: Oh, don't be a rude Rodney. Hawkeye: Frank, there's hepatitis going around. Maj. Frank Burns: Hepatitis! Hawkeye: Yeah, let me look at your eyes. Maj. Frank Burns: Are they yellow? How's my liver is it tender? Hawkeye: How should I know it's you liver? Maj. Frank Burns: Well, feel it! [he sprawls back on his cot] Hawkeye: [probing Franks abdomen] How's that feel? Maj. Frank Burns: [giggles childishly] Tickles! Hawkeye: Frank, try to control yourself. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Maj. Frank Burns: [sits up] Well, some thing's wrong with me. Hawkeye: Oh yeah, ever since Margaret got engaged? Maj. Frank Burns: No! Since I've been getting shortness of breath and heart palpitations. Feel my chest. Hawkeye: Not tonight, darling. I have a headache. Maj. Frank Burns: And I have a lump here under the sternum and that's nt supposed to be there! Hawkeye: [prepares to draw blood from Frank's arm] Frank, go like this. [opens and closes his fist] Maj. Frank Burns: Feels like a marble. Not like an aggie. More like an immie. Hawkeye: Look, I don't have time to fee your chest for marbles. Just let me get some blood, I'll give you a shot in the behind and get out of here! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Maj. Frank Burns: Look, while you're here, will you check my arms? I think my arms are getting longer. Hawkeye: Take two bananas and call me in the morning. Maj. Frank Burns: Feel under my armpit. Hawkeye: Not for five bucks! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Maj. Frank Burns: You call yourself a doctor. Hawkeye: [preparing to give Frank a shot] Frank, for Christ sake, would you drop your driveling, your hypochondria, and your pants in that order! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Maj. Frank Burns: [Hawkeye just gave Frank a shot in the behind] Feels like you left a rock in there! Hawkeye: Maybe one slipped down from you head? Maj. Frank Burns: You broke a needle off in me, didn't you? Hawkeye: Frank, these few moments with you have contributed more to my back pain than my army cot, and that's going some Maj. Frank Burns: If you care anything for human life, you'll feel my lumps before you go. Hawkeye: Leave 'em under my pillow. I'll give 'em a squeeze before I go to sleep. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: [Margaret is letting Hawkeye give her a shot in the behind] Oh, Margaret, may I pause on this occasion to express a few thoughts. Maj. Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan: If you say one word! Hawkeye: I wouldn't not a word, but if I did that word would be MAGNIFICENT, would that be bad? |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: [Klinger threw a bowl of oranges, just missing Hawkeye who is hunched over] Fortunately for me, I'm in a permanent duck! |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: [Radar has shared his wonder of blood tests] I'm all a tingle myself. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Radar: Well, sometimes the guys and I go over to Rosie's Bar. We really have a good time. We're laughing and joking. Talking about what we're going to do when the wars over. Then some of guys start talking to some of the business girls. And well, I feel sort of funny. Hawkeye: What do you mean? Radar: I feel sleepy. Hawkeye: You think there's something wrong with you? Radar: Is there? Hawkeye: Radar, you're suffering from a normal case of decency. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Hepatitis Hawkeye: Believe me Radar, someday you're going to meet a girl that you're going to want to introduce to your mom. And instead of taking advantage of her, you'll give her something you've been saving all you're life: yourself. And believe me you won't get sleepy. You know what I mean? Radar: [weepy] Yeah, thanks. Hawkeye: I know this sounds like the wrong time, but would you mind dropping your pants. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 18: - Hanky Panky Radar: Sometimes they come like that! Margaret: And sometimes they're opened by creepy company clerks who like to peek at intimate personal passages! B.J.: Oh, come on Margaret, that's uncalled for. Hawkeye: It's not fair! Radar: Yea, and it wasn't even very intimate either! |
 | Season 5 / Episode 17: - End Run Corporal Maxwell Q. Klinger: [to Zale] If my dog had your face, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 15: - 38 Across Col. Potter: [Frank is telling his story after being taken by North Korean soldiers in a jeep] Why didn't you bring the jeep back? Frank Burns: The jeep? B.J.: Yeah, it's a big green thing. Hawkeye: Looks like a turtle with a thyroid condition. |
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