Married ... with Children - Episode Quotes

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Married ... with Children Quotes

	Season 11 / Episode 21: - Lez Be Friends Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Go home! Al Bundy: I'd like to, but my living room is full of women, men and your cousin.
	Season 11 / Episode 20: - Damn Bundys Al: There's no Hell like home.
	Season 11 / Episode 20: - Damn Bundys Lucifer: Now here comes my favoire part, your itenuary of eternal torments. For the next millenium, you'll be exclusively dining on the most hideous food ever known to man. Lucifer: Weenie Tots. Al: Oooh I love those. Lucifer: Really. Well what you don't know that a steady diet of weenie tots would cause you to spend an eternity in the bathroom. Al: [shrugs shoulders] Why do you think I love them? Lucifer: [lowers lid and orders the cook leaves] All right, Mr.Bundy. Since you find Hell such a picnic. How about this? For the rest of eternity, you'll never see your family again. Al: [kneels and breaks down] This is HEAVEN!
	Season 11 / Episode 20: - Damn Bundys Napoleon: Hmmmmmmm. Could it be zhe letter, P? Al: Hangman, I win. Al: It's French Fries, you idiot. Not too smart, are you?
	Season 11 / Episode 20: - Damn Bundys Al: I'd sell my own soul to be able to play football again. Lucifer: That can be arranged. I'm willing to buy your soul. Al: Who are you? Lucifer: I'm the devil. Al: Peg! One of your relatives is here.
	Season 11 / Episode 20: - Damn Bundys Al: Peg? Jefferson? Lucifer: They can't hear you. I've frozen them. Al: Please! These are two of the laziest people in the world. You want to impress me, make them get jobs. Lucifer: I'm the devil, not a genie.
	Season 11 / Episode 16: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (3) Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: This may come as a shock to you, but I never really cared much about your ex-husband. Peggy Bundy: We're not divorced. Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Think positive, Peggy!
	Season 11 / Episode 16: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (3) Al Bundy: Uh, excuse me. I'm spending the night with a supermodel. Are these all the condoms you have? Secretary: Of course not. I have more in back. Right next to the reality pills.
	Season 11 / Episode 14: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (1) Bud: Come on, you fight like a girl. Kelly: You pee like one. Bud: That was a temporary medical condition.
	Season 11 / Episode 14: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (1) Heather Talrico: You box as bad as you act. Kelly: Yeah? Well you box as bad as Brooke Sheields acts!
	Season 11 / Episode 14: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (1) Heather Talrico: You know, Bundy, I'd love to shut that black hole you call a mouth. Kelly: With what, that planet you call an ass?
	Season 11 / Episode 14: - Breaking up is Easy to Do (1) Al Bundy: I do not floss. I do not eat vegetables. I do not like French pasteries. I do not like the French!
	Season 11 / Episode 13: - T*R*A*S*H Griff: Al, if I don't make it, would you look up my ex-wife and... Al: Tell her that you love her? Griff: No. Tell her she's a bitch!
	Season 11 / Episode 13: - T*R*A*S*H Griff: Well Al, I think it's time we hit the bunks and go to sleep for the night. Al: Go to sleep? It's only nine o'clock. What are you? Old? Griff: Yeah. Al: [beat] Me too.
	Season 11 / Episode 13: - T*R*A*S*H Griff: Oww! This bunk mattress is hard, and this pillow is all lumpy. Al: At least it doesn't have red hair and begs for sex.
	Season 11 / Episode 13: - T*R*A*S*H Drill Instructor: So you're Al Bundy, the new recruit. A ladies shoe salesman. Well, High Heels, you're in the Army now and anything you do is on my watch! Al: Hey, it's just like this at home. Every day, it's the Battle of the Bulge, sir! Drill Instructor: That's it, Bundy. Get down on the deck and give me 50! Al: I don't have a 50-dollar bill. Will you take a 20?
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Grime and Punishment Peggy: Oh, Al. It's time for your conjugal visit. Al: No! No! Help Me! Peggy: Shut up, Al! You're my bitch now!
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Grime and Punishment Bud: Gee, Dad, Mom left teeth marks all over your neck. Al: No, son, that was me, I tried to sever my own jugular. Damn clotting.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Grime and Punishment Bud: Okay, I'll let you go, but you've gotta promise to give me a head start. Al: Sure, Son, what do you think I'm gonna do? Hunt you down like a dog and kill you? Sure, a normal father would do that, but we're Bundys. Bud: Oh God. What does that mean, you're gonna eat me?
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Grime and Punishment Al: Well, your laziness, your sloping forehead, your... ability to catch flies with your tongue. Bud: This is what you call a pat on the back? Al: No, no, no, Son, see, you got mad like anybody would, but you got mad and EVEN. That's what makes you part of the grand Bundy Tradition. I'll never forget my old man, sweet guy. Sold my Schwin for the price of a drink. I was so mad at him, before he knew it, I enlisted him into the Army. But the time he came back from Korea, boy, he was so ticked off, good thing he was in a wheelchair.
	Season 11 / Episode 12: - Grime and Punishment Health Inspector: Mr.Bundy, you have a month to get this basement in shape. Al: You had your whole life to get in shape and you don't see me condemning you.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Bud on the Side Griff: Al, lighten up. You didn't have a problem when Kelly dated that wealthy older man. Al: I wouldn't have a problem if BUD dated a weathy older man. Anybody but Gary.
	Season 11 / Episode 11: - Bud on the Side Peggy Bundy: Al, would you relax? You told Bud to find someone desperate. Al: [referring to his boss, Gary] When I said aim low, I didn't think he'd excabate the Tar PITS!
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Peggy: Am I in Hell? Al: No, Peg, if you were in Hell then you'd be sitting on a throne and the devil would be packing.
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Al: Peg, you know I'm not one to beat around the bush, unless, of course, you're in it. So I'll make this fast. Peggy: Like you know any other way.
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Kelly: Mom's cooking? I'm going to call the doctor. Al: [Raises a hand to stop Kelly] Touch that phone, I'll kill ya.
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Kelly: Hey, Mom needs one of those guys, you know, the ones that make you take your clothes off when you go into their office. Bud: The Principal?
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Al: Kids, now that we've retrained Mommy, I've come up with a plan that will maximise her productivity. There are three of us. And Mommy can only work 24 hours a day. Kelly: Why? Al: [Ignoring her; to Bud] There are 2 of us.
	Season 11 / Episode 10: - The Stepford Peg Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Ohh I can't stand this for another minute. Look Peggy, Al's brainwashed you. You are not cheerful, tidy and hardworking. You're mean, rude and sloppy. You're a horrible wife, worst mother and proud of it. Peggy: I beg your pardon. Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Peggy, I say this with love. You're the laziest bitch in Chicago. Peggy: And you are a bitter woman Marcy Darcy. You see my loving, picture perfect family and all of a sudden you pretty boy husband and foreign car don't seem so spiffy. Well your jealous lies aren't getting thought to Mrs.Al Bundy. Good day. Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Well Peggy, wait. Peggy: [picks up the rag] And for future reference, my Al prefers to have his paper on the porch, not in the bushes. Remember that or we'll tell your supervisor.
	Season 11 / Episode 9: - Crimes Against Obesity Shirley: Aren't you open? Al: Sorry ma'am but unlike your mouth we occasionally close. Shirley: I want my money back, these shoes fell apart after one day and I wanna know why. Griff: Well you see ma'am this is a pliant heel with a cork filling. Al: Where as you are a giant seal with a pork filling. Shirley: You haven't heard the last of this, what goes around comes around. Al: Well considering your orbit looks like I have but ten more years.