Lois

Malcolm in the Middle

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Played by:

Jane Kaczmarek
Jane grew up in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Her mother, Evelyn, was a school teacher. Her father, Edward, ...

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Lois Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Graduation Reese: What did I miss? Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to. Reese: What I was just gone for a second. Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this. Lois: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man. Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
	Season 7 / Episode 6: - Secret Boyfriend Lois: Good morning Reece; you going to get a job today? Reese Wilkerson: You know I had a job Mom and looking back on the whole experience I've come to the conclusion that it's just not for me. I am done with the job thing. Lois: I am sorry Reece but not working isn't one of your options. Reese Wilkerson: Okay I think I know what's going on here. Now look I want you to know that I am not criticizing you and Dad. You obviously don't mind wasting your lives doing meaningless repetitive tasks for unappreciative bosses. I respect that. Lois: Do you mind telling me what you intend to do? Reese Wilkerson: I'd like to finish my cereal. Lois: Alright Reece. That's it! I am tired of fighting you on this. Until you get a job, this free ride is over.
	Season 7 / Episode 6: - Secret Boyfriend Lois: It smells like dead squirrels in the wall again Hal. Oh my God it's you Reece! You smell like an open sewer! Reese Wilkerson: And whose fault is that? Lois: Yours. All you have to do to stop this nonsense is get a job. Reese Wilkerson: Excuse me but I think I made it pretty clear where I stand on that issue. Lois: Well you can't stay here like this. Reese Wilkerson: Is that an apology? Lois: No it is an invitation to live in the backyard.
	Season 6 / Episode 13: - Tiki Lounge Lois: [shocked] You want me to lie to you? Hal: It's not lying if what you say would be true if the facts were different.
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Living Will Lois: It's been four days, Hal. I tried to be patient, but this has gone one long enough. You have to snap out of it. Look I admit you've been resourceful and you've learned to do so many things. And the Sex has been interesting. Lois: But you can't go on living like this. Don't think I don't know what this is all about. You're trying to avoid making this decision. This isn't going to work and frankly this is beneath you. It's the cowards way out, Hal. You don't think I don't like a paralyzed vacation. Everyone waiting on me hand and foot. You know what? It doesn't work that way. You can't keep making up ridiculous illnesses to get out of what you don't want to do. Lois: Oh for God's sake. Do you have any idea how insane you're acting? I'm just glad your boys aren't here to see this. Lois: Oh Hal, you changed Jamie's diapers with those feet.
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Living Will Malcolm: What's wrong with him? Lois: The doctors call it Hysterical Conversion Disorder. It's like a sematic, apparently he's paralyzed from the waist up. Malcolm: The waist up? Reese: Dad, what is it? Dewey: I think he's thanking you.
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Billboard Lois: [finds out what her boys are doing] Oh my God! Dewey: Did you hear that? Lois: What are you boys doing up there? Malcolm: It's Mom! Dewey: How did she know where to find us? Reese: I told you, she's got tracking devices in our fillings! If you two geniuses had ripped them out like I did, we wouldn't have been in this mess! Dewey: Maybe she didn't see us. Lois: Reese, Malcolm, Dewey, you get down here this instant. Reese: [bad Spanish accent] Miss, I don't know what you are talking about. Your boys are different boys than our being. Reese: [afraid] Where's the back door for this thing? Malcolm: [scared] It's a billboard! Dewey: [terrified] We're so dead. This time she'll finish us. Lois: Come down, now!
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Kitty's Back Lois: Reese, your punishment isn't over until that bathroom floor is so clean you'll be eating off it. Which is what you'll be doing for the next three weeks. And get rid of that thing, it's disgusting. Reese: Disgusting?! If Malcolm made another him out of hair, you'll be throwing a parade for him, right now. Reese: [shrieks] Noooooo. Lois: It just took it. Reese: That could've been me. [unplugs the vacuum] I need five minutes alone with the vacuum.
	Season 5 / Episode 20: - Victor's Other Family Sylvia: Ida, I think you should know that besides the restraining order, I have a knitting needle. All right, it's a crochet hook. Grandma Ida: [saunters over to Sylvia] Listen to me, tough guy. I know about Victor's pension. Victor worked for Paragon Brush from 1960 to 1964. Manitoba law states as common law wife, I'm entitled to that pension. Sylvia: I really don't know what you're talking about. Grandma Ida: The truth will bust out of the grave and strangle you and your whole family. Lois: [walks over to Ida] Mother, we'll discuss this later. If you don't turn around and leave at one. God forbid me, I'll take off the wig off your head and everyone will see your TICK scars. Grandma Ida: It's not over.
	Season 5 / Episode 20: - Victor's Other Family Mr. Dietrich: [facing Ida] We froze Victor's pension because of the dispute with the other family. But you're absolutely right, Manitoba law states that a common-law wife is entitled to her husband's pension. Even if you're not legally married, you'll still prevail in the case. Of course, you'd have to prove you're a common-law wife with DNA tests of children, lease in both your names, phone bills, that sort of thing. But I think you'd win. Grandma Ida: Finally a Canadian who isn't an idiot. Mr. Dietrich: The problem is, the pension's only $43.50 a month. Canadian. And what with hiring a lawyer, court costs, other expenses... it would all cost so much, I don't see you breaking even for 20 or 30 years. Do you think you'll live that long? Lois: God no! I mean... no. Mr. Dietrich: Well I don't think you'll be breaking even anytime soon. Lois: [faces Ida as Dietrich leaves] Well mom, you tried. Let's go. Grandma Ida: No, we're going to do this. Lois: Weren't you listening? He says you would lose money going after this thing. Grandma Ida: I don't care. We're going to get a lawyer. Lois: You really hate these people so much that you'll ruin yourself just to get even with them. It's stupid. Grandma Ida: [referring to Victor] He was my husband.
	Season 5 / Episode 20: - Victor's Other Family Lois: You know, Mom, if this thing does go to trial, it might help us if you worked a little bit on your demeanor. Grandma Ida: What the hell are you talking about? Lois: You know, when you deal with other people, you could be pleasant and say, "How are you?" And that way people will think that you care about their feelings, and then, they might care about yours. Grandma Ida: I know, brushka.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Block Party Malcolm: The whole neighborhood hates us so much that they throw a giant celebration just because we're gone. Lois: Malcolm, that's not news. I'm just surprised they're so organized.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Malcolm Films Reese Dewey: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is... Hal: You have to go to school. Dewey: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week? Lois: [sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school. Dewey: [happily] Okay.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Watching The Baby Lois: Oh, my God. Is that a newspaper diaper?
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Day Care Hal: [referring to Francis] You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' Weekend at the military school, you two got into swordfight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, 'You shut up.' Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born. Lois: [pause] He started it.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - Baby (2) Lois: You can go vomit now. Paramedic Dave: I told you we shouldn't have stopped for coffee.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - Baby (2) Lois: Francis, you can do this. Just stick your hands inside mommy and pull the baby out!
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Baby (1) Lois: Mother, we can't afford to put you up here. Grandma Ida: You can afford a maid. Piama: I'm not the maid, Ida. My name is Piama. I'm married to Francis. Grandma Ida: [to Lois] Tell the help not to talk to me.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Forwards Backwards Lois: I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals. Hal: For what is worth, you both are grounded again.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - Hal's Birthday Lois: Sorry it's so cramped, Piama. This van really isn't designed to carry seven people. Piama: Oh, I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats and the seven seatbelts.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Reese Drives Malcolm: Why do we have to get dressed up for Reese's court date? Lois: So the judge will see that he comes from a good family who loves him. Dewey: Why aren't they trying him as an adult?
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Lois's Makeover Lois: Oh, my God, is that right? What time do you have? Cashier: 5:45? Lois: 5:45. That's not possible. Dropped off Malcolm, picked up Reese, dinner is in the oven. Hah? Cashier: What is it? Lois: I have the next 25 minutes free. Cashier: How did you manage that? Did you leave a kid somewhere? Lois: No. No, they are all accounted for. Cashier: What're you gonna do?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Christmas Lois: I am not canceling Christmas, I'm just holding it hostage.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Christmas Lois: [wrapping up some gifts while talking to Francis in Alaska.] Just spend a couple of days with Grandma. You can leave right after Christmas. Francis: I am not visiting that woman. She's evil and she hates me. Lois: Francis, this is family. This is Grandma's first Christmas since your grandpa died and you live the closest. How can you be so selfish? Francis: Well did you even invite her to your house? Lois: [pauses for a minute] She knows she'a always welcome. Francis: Hey, why don't we get on a bus and surprise you? Lois: Don't you threaten me, I am ending this conversation. You are going to Whitehorse. You're going to the drugstore to buy her a gift. And you both will have a proper Christmas.
	Season 2 / Episode 25: - Flashback Lois: You put the baby in the closet? Hal: You left the milk on the table?
	Season 2 / Episode 25: - Flashback Hal: [singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But not literally. Lois: [nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese. Lois: He's two years old and still calls you "phone". Young Reese: Phone go bye-bye.
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - Surgery Lois: Malcolm, what are you walking like that? Malcolm: My side still hurts. Lois: But it's the weekend.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - The Grandparents Lois: You brought a live grenade into my home. ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - New Neighbors Dewey: Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil. Lois: They're all evil, sweetie.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - Smunday Reese: I was really adopted, wasn't I? Lois: No, you're ours. And we love you. Reese: Damn.

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