Hal

Malcolm in the Middle

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Played by:

Bryan Cranston

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Hal Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 22: - Graduation Reese: What did I miss? Malcolm: There was this big explosion. Some fire shot out and now he's just come to. Reese: What I was just gone for a second. Dewey: Shhhhhhh! I wanna see this. Lois: [walks in and sees Hal attempting to fix the TV] Oh for God's sakes, Hal. Pay the money and get a repair man. Hal: I am not wasting good money when I am perfectly capable of...
	Season 6 / Episode 13: - Tiki Lounge Lois: [shocked] You want me to lie to you? Hal: It's not lying if what you say would be true if the facts were different.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Malcolm Films Reese Dewey: Mom, Dad. I got a question about school. Let's say I'm making some money. I mean, so much money that the idea of going to school is... Hal: You have to go to school. Dewey: But what if you're making more than $400-500 a week? Lois: [sarcastic] Yeah, Dewey. You start making $400-500 a week, you can quit school. Dewey: [happily] Okay.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Thanksgiving Reese: Dad, remember the chocolate soufflé I made for Thanksgiving two years ago? Hal: Oh, yeah, that was... Reese: RAT PUKE compared to what I have planned. The crêpes I made last Thanksgiving? Hal: Oh, they were... Reese: CRAP next to what we're having tonight. Don't think of this as a meal. This is like eating the Mona Lisa.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Day Care Hal: [referring to Francis] You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' Weekend at the military school, you two got into swordfight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a Tee-Ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, 'You shut up.' Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born. Lois: [pause] He started it.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Garage Sale Policeman: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Hal: Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station. I mean, even if I did have the equipment in college, I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today. What's with all these questions? Do you have a warrant?
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Garage Sale Hal: And then the stop sign army springs into action all in support of the military industrial country club complex.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Stereo Store Hal: [Hiding in a playhouse] You're an idiot. Everybody in this playhouse is an idiot. Teen: Ha ha, you just called yourself an idiot.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Boys At Ranch Otto: How far do you think we've gone? Hal: Well, judging by that rock formation over there, about twelve feet.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Forwards Backwards Lois: I should've asked the doctor to sew furs and tails on both of you, because you're animals. Hal: For what is worth, you both are grounded again.
	Season 3 / Episode 22: - Monkey Hal: Take that, you damned dirty helper monkey.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Cynthia's Back Hal: [Trying to fly a kite, and gets wrapped up in the string] I'm sick of this! I HATE KITES! I HAVE ALWAYS HATED KITES!!!
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Reese Drives Hal: Reese surrounded by 6,000 pounds of steel and 20 gallons of explosive fuel. It's like giving a shark a submachine gun.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Christmas Hal: You are a wonderful mother and you're a wonderful person. Francis: [On the phone] Hey Mom, it's Francis. I just want you to know that I am disgusted with the way you treat Grandma. Abandoning a helpless old woman on Christmas. I hope you're ashamed of yourself.
	Season 2 / Episode 25: - Flashback Lois: You put the baby in the closet? Hal: You left the milk on the table?
	Season 2 / Episode 25: - Flashback Hal: [singing to the tune of 1812 overture] Art / Mona Lisa was by Da Vinci / Science / The Radio was made by Marconi / Math / 9 is the product of 3 times 3 / Natural Science / Darwin once said we all come from monkeys / But not literally. Lois: [nine months pregnant with Malcolm] Someone's benefiting from that, and it's not Reese. Lois: He's two years old and still calls you "phone". Young Reese: Phone go bye-bye.
	Season 2 / Episode 15: - The Grandparents Grandpa Victor: Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000? Hal: Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for is not a loan. It's blackmail. Grandma Ida: He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Old Mrs. Old Hal: Reese, one man's purse is another man's backpack.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Old Mrs. Old Hal: One boy's purse is another boy's book bag... if he's European. Besides, I can't tell you how many times I've been jealous of your mother and her purse. You know, we men have to shove our whole lives in a little square of leather, that we then have to sit on.
	Season 1 / Episode 15: - Smunday Salesman: This may sound cliché, Hal, but what can I do to put you in that car today? Hal: You can give me $90,000.
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Bots and the Bees Hal: Look, Fats, I don't want you around my house no more. Craig Feldspar: Hey, you don't go to the fat thing and I won't go to the crazy thing.
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - The Bots and the Bees Hal: [sitting on Craig and patting his belly continuously] Say uncle! Craig Feldspar: No! Hal: Just say it! We can end this right now with a little dignity if you just say it. One simple word. Craig Feldspar: Duncle. Hal: Aha, you said duncle. Now you gotta say "uncle" in my butt.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Funeral Francis: [Francis is on the phone to Dewey] Dewey, how did Aunt Helen die? Dewey: Cats ate her face Francis: No, Dewey. I'm asking about Aunt Helen. Dewey: Cats ate her face. Francis: Look, will you just put dad on the phone. Hal: [Dewey hands the phone to Hal] Hello? Francis: Dad. How did Aunt Helen die? Hal: Cats ate her face, here talk to Dewey he knows more about it than I do
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Krelboyne Picnic Jody: [Jody, Francis' new girlfriend whom he met mere hours ago] Oh my God, you're Francis' dad? He talks about you all the time! Hal: Really? You too!
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Francis Escapes Dewey: And then the monster started growling at me, so I threw rocks at him, and I killed him, and then he started flying around on rocket boost, and I got to ride inside his head, and now the monster's my friend, and we wen - and we went to get Slurpees. Reese: You did not. You just lied. Hal: Reese, if that's what Dewey says happened there's no reason to argue about it. Reese: No one believes I beat the last level in Mortal Kombat. Hal: Because that's just ridiculous. No one beats Sub-Zero.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Francis Escapes Hal: Francis is going to have to sink or swim on his own, and frankly I don't think that's such a bad thing!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Malcolm Babysits Hal: Look at that sky, Malcolm. Just think, somewhere out there, all those stars and planets, there might be at this very moment a space dad who just got kicked out of his space trailer, who's looking down on us. Or would it be up at us? Or maybe sideways. Malcolm: Trust me, dad, they're all looking down on us.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Shame Malcolm: I did something horrible. Don't you even care? Hal: Well, it's nothing to be proud of son, but you told us the whole story and he didn't give you much choice. It was an honest beating mistake. Reese: Besides it sends a good message to our enemies. Malcolm: What are you talking about? What enemies? Reese: Oh, they're out there. And once they know we're capable of this they'll know were capable of anything.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hal: They're sending an unmanned probe to Venus and letting a bunch of school children name it. That's gonna end badly.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hal: Malcolm's special? Where do you think that came from?

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