Leave It to Beaver Quotes

Leave It to Beaver

- Episode Quotes

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Leave It to Beaver Quotes

	Season 6 / Episode 26: - Uncle Billy's Visit Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [as Beaver and Gilbert are sitting in the theater manager’s office] What do you think they'll do to us, Gilbert? Gilbert Bates: They can't hit you or anything. That's against the law until you're 21. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, but I think they're allowed to shake us. Gilbert Bates: I know what they'll do. They'll call our parents. I got a break though. My dad's not home. He's out golfing. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. Well, my parents aren't home either. Only my Uncle Billy. Gilbert Bates: Hey, Beav, that's a break for you. Isn't Uncle Billy the one who gave you money for the show and is always doing neat stuff for you? Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, he's a swell guy. Gilbert Bates: You're lucky. 'Cause if your dad was home, he'd take the side of the manager. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey. Uncle Billy wouldn't do that. He likes me and Wally real well. He lets us do anything we want to. Boy. You just wait and see. He won't let any manager push us around.
	Season 6 / Episode 26: - Uncle Billy's Visit William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Your usher claims he saw my nephew let this friend of his in the exit door. Mr. Gaines: Yes, sir. William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I see. Now Beaver. I know you have your side of this story. Theodore, did you open that door so your friend could sneak in? Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, yes sir, but I... William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Mr. Gaines. I want to thank you for calling me down here. I want to apologize for my nephew's actions. I've always been very fond of this boy. But right now I'm almost ashamed to have him for a nephew. [Uncle Billy pauses] What do you think would be the right punishment for these two? Mr. Gaines: Well, usually in these cases we bar the offenders from the theater for two weeks. William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Two weeks? I wouldn't do that. [Beaver looks toward Gilbert and smiles] William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I'd make it two months. [Beaver gets shocked and sinks in the chair]
	Season 6 / Episode 26: - Uncle Billy's Visit William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: [after Uncle Billy and Beaver arrive home] Theodore, I'm not finished with you yet. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, I thought you were. On account of you didn't say anything to me in the car. [Uncle Billy takes his hat off then walks further in the living room with an angry look] Well, gee, Uncle Billy, I didn't do anything so terrible. All I did was help a guy get in the movies. William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I'm not saying it's the first time it ever happened. When I was a kid, I crawled under my share of circus tents. But it's the setup of the thing that gets me hot under the collar. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: The setup? William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Yeah. Your mother and father went away on a weekend, they left me here in charge. Now I tried to make it fun for you boys. I let you do as you want, come and go as you want, and I trusted you. But you took me for some kind of a pushover. Thought you could get away with anything. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But, gee, Uncle Billy, I... William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Don't "Uncle Billy" me. And don't give me any more of your lame excuses. Young man, you go up to your room. I'm very disappointed in you.
	Season 5 / Episode 36: - A Night in the Woods Eddie Haskell: [as Wally and the boys leave Gilbert to stay with stranded Eddie Haskell] Talk to me, will you, Gilbert? Gilbert Bates: Ok. What'll I say? Eddie Haskell: Say anything. Gilbert Bates: All right. You're a dumb stupid creep and a big wise guy.
	Season 3 / Episode 35: - Wally, the Businessman June Cleaver: Wally looks worried! Ward Cleaver: Well he's an American businessman, it's obligatory to look worried.
	Season 3 / Episode 29: - Beaver's Monkey June Cleaver: It's not okay for the Beaver to have a mouse.
	Season 2 / Episode 33: - Dance Contest June Cleaver: Ward Cleaver, you have no romantic instinct at all! Ward Cleaver: Dear, I'm a married man!
	Season 1 / Episode 18: - Child Care Helen 'Puddin' Wilson: I want to see Mary Jane.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Beaver's Short Pants Mr. Bloomgarden: Beaver, did you start this fight? Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: No sir, my pants did.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Children: [singing] Hark the herald angels sing! Glory to...
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Ward Cleaver: Beaver, it would have been very easy for me to forgive you if you had just stood up and said, "Dad, I lost my money and Wally gave me the haircut." Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [stands up] Dad, I lost the money and Wally gave me the haircut.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut June Cleaver: Agh! Ward Cleaver: What's the matter? June Cleaver: I just thought of his head again.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut June Cleaver: Did you see my little baby, my poor little bald-headed angel?
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut June Cleaver: Ward, wouldn't that be downright sneaky? Ward Cleaver: Sure, it would. It's the only way we can survive as parents.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's for supper? June Cleaver: Pot roast, potato pancakes, and what's the big idea?
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Are you finished? Wally Cleaver: I don't know. But I think I'd better stop.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Wally Cleaver: What's that? Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A haircut, I think. Wally Cleaver: Wow, you look like Wilson's Airedale when he had the mange.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut June Cleaver: Wally, why aren't you in the school play? Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm in it. June Cleaver: What do you do? Wally Cleaver: I hold a sign saying, "Just a minute while the wise men are puttin' on their beards."
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Barber: Suppose you go home and explain it to your parents. They'll understand. After all, anybody can lose money. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, but not as good as I can.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Barber: Suppose I call up your parents and tell 'em you lost the money, and they'll okay the haircut. How's that sound? Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. I think our phone's been discontinued.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I think I losted my money. Barber: It looks like you founded everything else in town.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: If I tell you you'll be mad at me. Ward Cleaver: That's ridiculous. Now, come on, tell me. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I losted my money. Ward Cleaver: Again! Oh, Beaver! Your mother and I have been very patient with you, but this habit of losing money has got to stop. Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I told you you'd be mad at me.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Ward Cleaver: What are you looking for? June Cleaver: I lost one of my wings.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Haircut Ward Cleaver: When you're young, there are some thing you have to learn. How to catch a baseball. And good table manners don't come too easily. But when you're a boy, losing things is one of the few lessons you don't have to learn. And that's our story tonight on "Leave it to Beaver."
	Unknown Episode: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at. Wally Cleaver: That's your tough luck.
	Unknown Episode: June Cleaver: Eddie seems to know a lot about the law. Wally Cleaver: Yeah, he told his father, in three years he's going over the wall.
	Unknown Episode: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you really like me, Wally? Wally Cleaver: I guess so. Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you like me a whole lot? Wally Cleaver: Look, don't get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.
	Unknown Episode: Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: We can't just say we're going to be friends. We gotta have an agreement or something. Larry Mondello: Okay. Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I, Beaver Cleaver, swear to die for Larry Mondello and always stick up for him and never snitch on him and be his friend forever.
	Unknown Episode: Larry Mondello: These here are Beaver's pigeons, which he named after his two teachers, which the cat ate, so he buried them.
	Unknown Episode: June Cleaver: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We're having roast beef. Eddie Haskell: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We're having squab this evening.

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