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Fun Facts:» Trivia» Quotes » Goofs |
 | Season 16 / Episode 123: - Matthew Perry, Elisha Cuthbert, Rascal Flatts Peanut: [seeing Paul] Oh, my God! Jeff Durham: What? Peanut: Does Superman know Lex Luthor works here? |
| Season 16 / Episode 123: - Matthew Perry, Elisha Cuthbert, Rascal Flatts Peanut: It was kind of a sad trip to Salt Lake City, because apparently there at the local zoo, they've been having trouble with their giraffe population. Jeff Durham: Yes. Peanut: And the day before we got there, they lost another giraffe. Jeff Durham: Yes. Peanut: Apparently, this giraffe got sick, collapsed, threw up, and died. Jeff Durham: Very sad. Nothing funny about that. Jeff Durham: [worried] You found something funny with that? Jeff Durham: What? Peanut: The throwing up part. Jeff Durham: How is that funny? Peanut: A giraffe, throwing up? Think about it! It would take for*ever*! Peanut: You could get your taxes done in the time he's finished! |
| Season 9 / Episode 16: - Dan Rather, Regis Philbin Himself - Host: The reason we were attacked, the reason these people are dead, these people are missing and dead... They weren't doing anything wrong, they were living their lives, they were going to work, they were traveling, they were doing what they normally do. Uh, as I understand it-and my understanding of this is vague, at best-another smaller group of people stole some airplanes and crashed them into buildings. And we're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervor, religious fervor. And if you live to be a thousand years old, will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamned sense? |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Bill Murray, Tom Brokaw, Paul Newman, Billy Joel David Letterman: [on premiere episode of new CBS show] When I left my old job at NBC, there was talk that maybe they would sue me if this show was anything like the old show, and frankly I never took it seriously, because for one thing I thought, well, the legal department at NBC has their hands all tied up defending that "Dateline NBC" show... and then this morning I wake up and next to me in bed is the head of a peacock, so I don't know... [band plays "Godfather" theme] |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - Bill Murray, Tom Brokaw, Paul Newman, Billy Joel Paul Newman: [interrupting Dave from the back row of the auditorium] Hey! Where the hell are the singing cats? |
| Unknown Episode: John Kerry: [Top 10 Bush Tax Proposals] 10. No estate tax for families with at least two U.S. presidents. 9. W-2 Form is now Dubya-2 Form. 8. Under the simplified tax code, your refund check goes directly to Halliburton. 7. The reduced earned income tax credit is so unfair, it just makes me want to tear out my lustrous, finely groomed hair. 6. Attorney General Ashcroft gets to write off the entire U.S. Constitution. 5. Texas Rangers can take a business loss for trading Sammy Sosa. 4. Eliminate all income taxes; just ask Teresa to cover the whole damn thing. 3. Cheney can claim Bush as a dependent. 2. Hundred-dollar penalty if you pronounce it "nuclear" instead of "nucular." 1. George W. Bush gets a deduction for mortgaging our entire future. |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: [introduction to Stupid Pet Tricks and Stupid Human Tricks] This is only an exhibition. This is not a competition. Please, no wagering. |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun. |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: Yes. Welcome to Mc Donald's. What do you want? Customer: Hello. David Letterman: Yeah, what can I do for you? Customer: Medium Sprite. David Letterman: Yeah, what can I do for you? Customer: Sprite. David Letterman: Medium Sprite? Customer: That's it. David Letterman: That's all? Customer: Yes. David Letterman: You couldn't have gotten out of your car for a medium Sprite? |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: Welcome to Mc Donald's. Customer: Get me a cheeseburger. David Letterman: Your order is a cheeseburger? Customer: Yep. David Letterman: Are you busy right now? Customer: I gotta head to work. Why? David Letterman: Could you swing by the grocery store and get us a bag of onions? Customer: A bag of onions? David Letterman: Yeah. We're running low. David Letterman: United 16957, 727. This is Kennedy Ground Control. What's the problem? Power it on in. Customer: I have your onions here. David Letterman: What? Customer: The ten-pound bag of onions. David Letterman: You're got the onions? All right. Come on through. We really appreciate it. Thanks for helping out. |
| Unknown Episode: Customer: Can I have two Whoppers, please David Letterman: We're all out of Whopples. Customer: No. Whoppers, Whoppers. David Letterman: We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there. |
| Unknown Episode: Himself - Announcer: People always ask me, 'Big Red, what's your secret to scoring with a different hot chick every single night of the week?' You want to know how I land the really wild babes? I clean my dishes with Ajax. |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?" |
| Unknown Episode: Alan Kalter: Dwight, have you had any luck finding a summer job? Dwight The Troubled Teen: Summer job? When all my friends are playing video games and hanging out at the mall? No way. Alan Kalter: A summer job means spending money, Dwight. And it teaches you responsibility. Dwight The Troubled Teen: Oh, responsibility. Like when you brag to your golf buddies about how you cheat on your taxes? And when you hit that car in the parking lot and just drove away? You disgust me, you corrupt old fraud! I hate you! I hate all of you! Dwight The Troubled Teen: Hi, I'm Dwight the Troubled Teen. This summer, why not help make our nation's highways and byways beautiful. Join a highway clean-up program in your area. You'll be glad you did! This is Dwight the Troubled Teen saying, "Have a fun, safe summer, everyone." |
| Unknown Episode: Pat Farmer: Do you like her? Jeff: Yeah, but someone should tell her to lay off the donuts. |
| Unknown Episode: David Letterman: [during a typically silly comedy skit] This is the only thing on CBS right now... |
| Unknown Episode: Himself - Bandleader: [after he and David play around with air raid sirens, impersonating a broadcast announcer] This is a test. This is only a test. If this is an actual emergency, flip over to Leno. |
| Unknown Episode: Alan Kalter: Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Dr. Love. |
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