L.A. Law Quotes

L.A. Law

- Episode Quotes

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	Season 8 / Episode 19: - Tunnel of Love Arnie Becker: As far as I know, Patrick Flanagan is a felon! He gave me assurances that this girl would not testify. That is obstruction of justice! Leland McKenzie: Do you have any proof of that? Arnie Becker: Of course I don't have proof. I thought you'd believe me. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Patrick said that he tried contacting you with the settlement offer, but you were unavailable, which is why he went ahead on his own. Arnie Becker: Oh, please! Leland McKenzie: He also said that no such assurances were ever given. Arnie Becker: He's lying! Can't you see that? Less you be under any further illusions, this is someone who lies to get what he wants. He came into my office on that day and told me what he wanted to do. I told him, under no uncertain terms: "do not do this." He went ahead and did it anyway! Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Even if that was true, just keep in mind that he brought into this firm some $9 million and additional clients and revenue... Arnie Becker: Douglas, he is dangerous! He's a closeted sociopath, and a pathological liar! Leland McKenzie: Now, hold on Arnie! I've known Patrick all his life. He comes from a good family and has a good education. He wouldn't do that. Arnie Becker: All right, fine. Do whatever you want. But I'm telling you right now, I will not work with him again, Leland! The day you insist that I work out my differences with that scummy guy, that is the day I quit! Oh, and on this prognosis, Morales was right about him! Douglas Brackman, Jr.: First Daniel quits, now Arnie threatens to because of Flanagan? Doesn't that strike you odd at all? Leland McKenzie: Patrick maintains that no such assurances were given. I believe him. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Patrick maintains a lot of things, Leland. Leland McKenzie: Why... yes he does. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: At the very least, for a nice guy who brings in the business, he does stand to get accused of obstructing justice pretty often. Leland McKenzie: Well, so far all the accusations have been groundless. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Yeah... so far.
	Season 6 / Episode 21: - Double Breasted Suit Leland McKenzie: You are without a doubt the most obnoxious, self-centered person I have every met! I want you gone! Out of this firm! Susan Bloom: And you are the most stubborn, controlling old fool I have ever known! Are you planning to change? Leland McKenzie: Not on your life! Susan Bloom: Neither am I! So let's get back to work and make the best of it.
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Guess Who's Coming To Murder? John Harvey: Who else could it be? You grill me on the witness stand and you thing I could just accept that? I'm shocked that you didn't expect me. Tommy Mullaney: I expected you! John Harvey: [drops the knife] Oh, dear. Tommy Mullaney: Boy, John you really had me going there. I didn't even know if Kelly Sossa was gonna show up. But I new someone was going to show up tonight. John Harvey: Aww, but your timing is such a pity. As it stands, I can only be arrested for breaking and entering. Had you remained in the bathroom a little while longer I would have said things to Miss Clemmons that she really would have used against me. Pitty, I really was feeling chatty tonight. This way I'll be in and out of jail in no time. What a disappointing end to such a great story. Hey, maybe when I get out, I'll come back again. Tommy Mullaney: No, you ain't comming back! Because I had to kill you in self defense. Too bad really. John Harvey: [getting nervous] Hey, that's cold-blooded murder. She's a district attorney. She'll prosecute you for this. Tommy Mullaney: I'm saving her life, and something tells me that she'll save mine. Bye bye John. John Harvey: I get it. You want me to do something threatening. Something to justify self defense. You wouldn't dare shoot me if I stayed passive. Tommy Mullaney: Wrong!
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Guess Who's Coming To Murder? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Will you two knock it off! Jonathan, please leave. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: [to Mullaney] And you! Tommy Mullaney: What? He barges in here telling me how to try a case! Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Well why did you take the case in the first place for God's sake? Tommy Mullaney: Because the money's good, there's good publicity and I get my name in the news. Why do you thing I took the case? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Tommy, the prosecuter is your ex-wife. You took the case to beat up on her, lose to her, anything so you can be the same room with her. You want to do any to make sure that Zoey remains part of your life. Tommy Mullaney: [feigning ignorance] What? You have no idea what your're talking about. This has nothing to do with Zoey, or my past with her. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: [sarcastic tone] Yeah, right. I couldn't be further from the truth, could I?
	Season 6 / Episode 9: - Guess Who's Coming To Murder? Leland McKenzie: Hey, come here! You've been avoiding me! Susan Bloom: Not now Lee, I gotta duche. Leland McKenzie: Listen, I let you share office space here to bring in extra revenue for this firm, which means that I have to put up with your filth and disguesting habits of the way you practice law. But you crossed the line with the videotape. Cross it ever again, and I guarantee that I will terminate your lease so fast that... Susan Bloom: [interupting] You know, Lee, I get the feeling all this hostility of yours is a way of venting your frustration out on your personal life. Leland McKenzie: It's Leland. Susan Bloom: Whatever... Lee. I see that because of this hot-temper of yours is a way of saying that you are in a way attracted to me. So, to settle this little hassle, I'm willing to let you have your way with me once. Leland McKenzie: What are you talking about? Susan Bloom: I'm talkin' about sex, Leland. I'm talking about the way you look at me with those hostle eyes and know you want to take me. Go ahead, pick a stall. I'm yours for seven minutes. Leland McKenzie: [frustrated to himself] Give me strength.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Do the Spike Thing Charles Lamb: [drunk] This is not a city! A city is like London or New York where one can just walk outside and hail a taxi! Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: You're five hours late because you coudn't get a stupid taxi? Charles Lamb: I apologize for missing dinner. I hope I'm not disturbing anything. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Yes, we're asleep. Charles Lamb: We? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: I have a date in bed upstairs. Charles Lamb: Can't I come in for a little drink? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: No. Charles Lamb: Please? I won't wake him. Her? Or, did you discover a third option?
	Season 5 / Episode 20: - There Goes the Judge Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Why are you so nervous? Abby Perkins: Because, you and I... I've never done this before. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: What makes you think something is going to happen now? Abby Perkins: Because I'm... ready. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Well, first of all, I never said I was ready. Abby Perkins: But... Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: You're not ready at all. Look at yourself. Your shaking, you've been nervous all through dinner... you haven't earned enough decency to earn a friend, let again, anything more than a friend. I like you a lot, but I'm not going to jeopardize our friendship because you want to satisfy your curiosity. Abby Perkins: It's not just curiosity. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But nothing is going to happen tonight. Now consider yourself two things: dumped, and relived.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - As God Is My Co-Defendant Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Goooood morning, communists! My name is C.J. Lamb. I'm your co-host, and the first thing about American law is LOUD! We jump up! We call each other names!
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - As God Is My Co-Defendant Zoey Clemmons: [in C.J.'s hotel room at a law conference] C.J.! Get up! It's nine o'clock! We are in trouble! We were supposed to have an eight o'clock class setup. We have a mock trial before three California Supreme Court judges at 1:00 PM and our class knows nothing except how to get jailed for contempt. Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Zoey, calm down. Zoey Clemmons: I can't calm down! What did you do last night? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: It was hammer time. What could I do? We started home after midnight, but they played that "Wang Chung" song and we didn't get in 'til 5:00 AM. Zoey Clemmons: Great, you keep the class out dancing til dawn. Now, who the hell do we know to fake it in front of three California Supreme Court judges? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: Me. Zoey Clemmons: What? Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: I'm from England. Nobody knows me here. I'll put on a suite, a wig, my best Polish accent, and you'll win the prize for best class. Zoey Clemmons: We can't do this. It's fraud, it's wrong, it's a lie! Cara Jean 'C.J.' Lamb: And we have no choice. Not only do our students not know anything, but they're also completely hung over. Zoey Clemmons: I am never taking you with me on another trip, ever!
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Beverly Hills Hangers Michael Kuzak: How do you feel? Rikki Davis: Well, I'm exhausted, but relieved that it's over. Michael Kuzak: Yeah, you should be. You pulled it off. Rikki Davis: Excuse me? Michael Kuzak: It was too easy Rikki. The pieces you set in motion fell into place too neatly. Rikki Davis: What are you talking about? Michael Kuzak: I'm talking about you and Mark Chelios. We got a hold of the surveillance videos in his office building. I just found out that you've been in to see him twice in the last month. Rikki Davis: So? Michael Kuzak: So it was you two. You two killed your husband. It wasn't you and your boyfriend David Schaefer. It was you and your husband's lawyer Mark Chelios. You two either did it, or had it done. Rikki Davis: That's preposterous. Michael Kuzak: I don't think so. Mark Chelios is a brilliant attorney. That screw up he made on the will is something not even a rookie would make. He did it to give Mr. Davis' daughter a motive. He knew about Maryanne Davis' alienation with you so he romanced her to set her up, and to set himself up to be impeached on the witness stand. Rikki Davis: Now you've completely lost me. Michael Kuzak: No, drop the act. You follow me exactly. You and your partner-in-crime Mark Chelios knew that there would be no way for you to get away with killing your husband without suspicion falling directly on you. Sure, you could set it up to look like a suicide. But that would be fifty-fifty at best. The only way to guarantee you getting away with it was double jeopardy: to be tried and acquitted. So, Mark Chelios sets himself up as the big star witness against you. He carefully arranges those papers of Mr. Davis will to make it look like he was under undo influence when orchestrating the will. He puts the papers away in his files, and under subpoena, he gives the files to us. It all points to Maryanne Davis as the one who orchestrated this whole thing. He takes Maryanne Davis on dinner dates to make it look that she was taking advantage of HIM. He kisses Maryanne Davis, when he's got to know that we're having her followed. My God... you were the one who insisted that we tail the daughter. You also insisted that we tail Mark Chelios. Perfect. I couldn't have pulled off a better plan myself. Rikki Davis: Now wait a minute. Why would Mark Chelios take the witness stand and make himself a suspect if he was really involved in killing my husband? Michael Kuzak: Probably because he has an airtight alibi for the day in question. And, since he knows that you were the one who made all the arrangements, there's no way any part of the crime could be traced back to him, even if he was investigated. Rikki Davis: [chuckles very sinisterly] That's a very good story, counselor. Too bad you can't repeat it. Michael Kuzak: Yeah, well sometimes I get so carried away with defending my clients that I lose my track on their own morality.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - The Beverly Hills Hangers Rikki Davis: Look, you've got two choices here. There's a press conference going on outside this room. You can either walk in there with a long face and say that you were completely duped by your client. Or you can say nothing, keep your head up, shoulders back, and be the brilliant star defense attorney the whole country knows you to be. A winner, or a loser. It's up to you, Michael. As for me... well, I believe I'm free to go.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Splatoon Douglas Brackman, Jr.: [in the woods during a paintball war] You're very lucky, Jonathan. Jonathan Rollins: Why? Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Because you have youth. Choices. Look at me. I'm 40 years old. I'm out here in the woods, shivering all night, because I can't say "no" to a client who makes designer tampons for a living and sells them to the uptight and out-of-sight. I'm intimidated by clients! I'm scared of my ex-wife. My teenage son ignores me. And I'm too afraid to light a fire because of Stuart Markowitz, a five-foot, six-inch tax attorney with a Hitler complex. Don't end up like me, Jonathan. You still have choices. Jonathan Rollins: Douglas, you still have choices in life. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You know, you're right. I chose to light a fire.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Splatoon Jonathan Rollins: Any sign of 'Rambowitz'? Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Stuart? I hope he got captured. He's probably eating bugs for breakfast.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Splatoon Stuart Markowitz: I said no fire! You want us all to be killed in our sleep? Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Painted, not killed, Stuart. Worse case scenario: we get painted in our sleep. Stuart Markowitz: And you think that's nothing? Tell that to the Cobras. Jonathan Rollins: You killed FOUR more guys? Stuart Markowitz: I'm going back out on recon. Jonathan, get two hours sleep. Douglas, you stand guard. Get up in the tree so you won't fall asleep. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: What? I'm not climbing any tree. Stuart Markowitz: Get in the tree, Douglas! I'll be back!
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Splatoon Referee: Here are your kill chips. You get killed, you hand it over to the guy who 'kills' you. You kill that guy, you take his chip. Any questions? Stuart Markowitz: Yeah, is there like a snack bar out there someplace?
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Vowel Play Roxanne Melman: There's a Vanna White to see you, sir. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Ha. Ha. Very funny. Why don't the two of you go somewhere and have a vowel movement. Vanna White: [enters his office] That's not very funny.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Bitch Is Back Grace Van Owen: Ms. Shays, given the fact that you have never established a close friendship with any of your collegues. Given the fact that you have left eight law firms, four of them on very unfriendly terms. Given the fact that nobody at MacKenzie-Brackman even remotely like you at the end, despite once having like you enough to elect you senior partner. Is it possible that you are not a nice person to be around? Jack Sollers: Your Honor, this is total badgering. Grace Van Owen: I'm done here.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Whatever Happened to Hannah? Rosalind Shays: Is your dislike for me that strong? Ann Kelsey: It's getting there. Rosalind Shays: Well, I've done some of my best work with fellow lawyers who despise me, so we're off to a good start. Ann Kelsey: Fine. You want to keep this between you and me, you got a deal. I work here, you work here, and I'll respect our feelings to stay private. But get one thing straight: you don't scare me. And if you do anything to undermine me with the rest of this firm, I will bury you. Don't take you on? Don't you take me on.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Hand Roll Express Arnie Becker: Roxanne, open your eyes. Jimmy Markham is conning you. Roxanne Melman: Don't say that, Arnie! You don't know the first thing about Jimmy. You've never even met him. Arnie Becker: Oh, come on, Roxanne! I've met this guy, I've met him a thousand times. He's the typical guy I see in all my divorce cases. His wife hires me to make him look bad. He hires me to make him look good. He comes off as charming, decent, curious, but like every wealthy businessman with an agenda, he's in it for one purpose: himself and himself alone. I know this guy, Roxanne. Hell, I used to be this guy!
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Divorce with Extreme Prejudice Elizabeth Brand: What a farce. All year long these lawyers treat us like schnauzers. And then once a year, they expect us to cheer up and sing Christmas carols. Hilda Brunschwager: How can they even think to have a party with Mr. Brackman in the hospital? Elizabeth Brand: Oh, Hilda. You think they care? They don't care.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Gibbon Take Arnie Becker: So, my client, Mrs. Troutman, decides that she needs to get away for a couple of days. She packs her bags into her car, drives down to her condo in Palm Springs, puts the key in the door, opens it, kicks off her high-heeled shoes, walks down the hallway to the bedroom to collapse in the bed, opens the bedroom door only to find the surprise of her life: her loving husband, in the bed... in the arms of another woman. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Excuse me, Arnold. But why are we wasting the time of an important staff meeting to listen to another one of your boring infidelity marriage cases? Arnie Becker: You have interrupted me right at the punch line, Douglas! Douglas Brackman, Jr.: Well? Arnie Becker: You see, that was no "other woman." That... was his wife. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: I'm afraid I'm not tracking. Arnie Becker: Bigamy. Bigamy! Do you know how rare it is? This is the divorce lawyer equilivant to a hole-in-one!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Gibbon Take Angela Sipriano: You're going to find this interesting. Your original client was Mrs. Foster F. Troutman. He told her his middle name was Farrell. The one in Palm Springs is Mrs. Foster J. Troutman. He told her his middle named was James. The new ones I found are Mrs. Foster C for Charles, E for Errol, and K for Kenneth. Arnie Becker: Alphabetical order? Angela Sipriano: Exactly. Which means that there's most likely 11 of them. A, B, D, G, H, and I still unaccounted for. Stuart Markowitz: And what about L through Z? Arnie Becker: How the hell does he do it? Bee pollen? Angela Sipriano: While we're on that subject, what Mr. Foster does is that he takes their stuff. Jewelry, furs, etc., report them stolen, live off the insurance settlement, and he gives the exact same item to another wife as a gift. Stuart Markowitz: Boy oh boy, what I really want to do is be alone in an elevator for five minutes with this man! Angela Sipriano: So would I. But not for the same reason. I'd like to find out what the big attraction is.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Gibbon Take Mark Gilliam: Must have hurt to lose Walters, huh? Grace Van Owen: I don't want a prejudice juror any more than you do. Mark Gilliam: Yeah, right. You mean your office didn't tell you to stack it with "fag bashers"? Grace Van Owen: I am not unsympathetic to your client, and I'm ready to make any moves to his well being. Mark Gilliam: Good. Then you'll dismiss the case. Grace Van Owen: I can't do that, Mark. Your client took the life of another human being. Mark Gilliam: My client performed a merciful act. His only motivation was love.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Slum Enchanted Evening Michael Kuzak: [choosing stakes for a bet] You can pick anything you want. Victor Sifuentes: Ok... your leather chair. Michael Kuzak: Except that.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The House of the Rising Flan Stuart Markowitz: I have a confession. I'm rich.
	Unknown Episode: Michael Kuzak: That's because I've never had anything this responsive underneath me.
	Unknown Episode: Michael Kuzak: [Kuzak walks in on Kelsey and Markowitz during a romantic encounter] Stuart? Ann? Ann Kelsey: Yes, it's Stuart and Ann! We're fine. Now leave! [Kuzak leaves and Sifuentes sticks his head in the door] Victor Sifuentes: You guys okay? Need anything? Ann Kelsey: We're fine, Victor! Now leave!
	Unknown Episode: Leland McKenzie: [settling an argument during a staff meeting] It's time you people remember whose name is at the top of the letterhead!
	Unknown Episode: Leland McKenzie: Look at this. A Christmas card from Rosalyn. Grace Van Owen: You know, Leland; she probably had them sent out by a service and no one thought to notify them that she was dead. Leland McKenzie: I guess you're right; a Christmas card from the grave. [starts laughing] Grace Van Owen: One thing you can say about Rosalyn, she sure knew how to network.
	Unknown Episode: Rhonda Vasek: I think I hate your wife. Douglas Brackman, Jr.: You've met her? Rhonda Vasek: No, I'm just jealous of her.

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