Jack of All Trades Quotes

Jack of All Trades

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

Jack of All Trades Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Jack Stiles: The governor's party? I forgot about that stuffy brouhaha. Do we have to go? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, you won't want to miss it. The governor's guest tonight is millionaire sultan Mohammed Kareem Abdul Mosheriff Ali. Jack Stiles: Wait a minute, he's the guy with 70 wives! Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Uh-huh. Jack Stiles: Oh ho ho! Man, I bet he gets great group... discounts.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Jack Stiles: Is this where the Sultan lives? Gate Guard: This is just his vacation home, sir. Jack Stiles: Oh, good - then I came to the right place. He told me to stop by here for a job interview, so here I am. Gate Guard: Did he say for what position? Jack Stiles: Ah well, after seeing his wives, I was hoping to go through a variety of positions, but whatever you have open.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Eunuch: No patties, no pain. Jack Stiles: Well, at least you have guts.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Jack Stiles: I like your style, but your execution's all wrong.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Iris: Is he a friend of yours? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, more often than not.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Seventy Brides For One Brother Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: To my partner, the only one who can get a rise out of me. Your favorite eunuch, Jack.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - One, Two, Three, Give Me Lady Liberty Jack Stiles: [Jack is cooking a Thanksgiving feast and after Em tries cranberry sauce and doesn't like it] You know, you're not exactly getting in the spirit of things! Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I still don't know how you reconcile displacing an entire culture Jack Stiles: Well, don't get mad at me, I wasn't even there. Besides, you're missing the whole point of the holiday! Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Which is? Jack Stiles: An excuse to get out of work and stuff your face. It's the American way!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Croquey in the Pokey Camille: I must admit, when I first heard the news, my bosom swelled with grief. Jack Stiles: You've been grieving a lot lately, haven't you?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Croquey in the Pokey Jack Stiles: I got two words for you, N-O, and that's final!
	Season 1 / Episode 13: - X Marquis the Spot Governor Croque: The Marquis de Sade is my second cousin, twice-removed. Jack Stiles: I can see why you removed him.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - One Wedding and an Execution Gov. Croque: To some, marriage is like a morning sunrise which reflects the dawning of a brand-new day. To others, it is like a red-hot poker shoved, without remorse, up the wazoo.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Daddy Dearest Sir Rupert Smythe: You Know, this will be a bloody good show,and how could I possibly pass up the chance to see my lovely little Fu-fu again after all these years? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Father, If we're going to be working on assignment together, I'd appriciate it if you called me by my proper title. Sir Rupert Smythe: Of course, Agent Fu-fu.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Raging Bully Jack Stiles: Okay, here's the plan. You get on the grassy knoll, I'll position myself at the book depository, and we'll triangulate that evil genius to kingdom come. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Don't be silly, Jack. That would never work. Jack Stiles: You're right. We need a patsy.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Raging Bully Jack Stiles: Sorry Emperor, you won't be getting any head today!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Governor Croque: Mesdames et Messieurs, a toast. To the Supreme Empereur de France, Napoleon Bonaparte, who in his infinite wisdom has given the people of Palau-Palau a most inspiring gift, moi.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Oh, I dropped my napkin. Jack Stiles: Chivalry is dead. Get it yourself. Captain Brogard: If Monsieur Stiles were my attaché, I would string him up by his ooh-la-las as a warning to all insolents wherever they may hide. Jack Stiles: Take your head out and stay awhile Le Pew. Looks like you could use the air.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Jack Stiles: You're imagining things, and I would know. I took a bullet for Washington when he was crossing the Delaware. I cut the string on Franklin's kite to keep him from frying his fat ass, and you wanna know why? 'Cause I smell danger wherever it wafts.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Governor Croque: Execute her at once. Jack Stiles: Wait, it's alright. No harm done. Captain Brogard: What is the meaning of this? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: A test. Governor Croque: A test? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: A test... of your security system. Right, Jack? Jack Stiles: That's right. We were just trying to expose your soft spots. [looking at Brogard] And I think we've found the weak link. Captain Brogard: I detect an insulting implication in your statement, monsieur. Jack Stiles: I'm sorry. What I meant was, "You're a moron".
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Voice of Jean-Claude: Jacques, have you forgotten why you were sent here? Jack Stiles: Who wants to know? Voice of Jean-Claude: Well, who do you think? I bear an urgent communiqué from President Jefferson. Squawk. You must find the stolen gold shipment and send it back to America. Jack Stiles: What does he think I'm doing here? Voice of Jean-Claude: Oh, I cannot say in front of the lady. Squawk. Jack Stiles: Ha ha ha. You must think we're the suckers of the spy world, pal. Why would we take phony orders from a French carrier... parrot? Voice of Jean-Claude: Squawk. Because you are not the only ones undercover, monsieur. Vive la resistance! [flies away] Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: That is the most loquacious fowl I've ever encountered.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Jack, the way you handled that little girl was... well, very touching. Seems that just when I have you figured out, you surprise me. Jack Stiles: Ha ha, are you kidding? A man will say anything to keep a woman from crying. It's like nails on a chalkboard. [Em swats him] Hey, you don't like the answers, don't ask the question. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: You told that little girl we'd think of something, and we just did. We're stealing the gold back from Croque, alright, but we're going to use it to pay off the people's taxes.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Captain Brogard: [he and the Dragoon with sword points at each others throats] In chess, this is what we call a stalemate. Daring Dragoon: Yeah, in Parcheesi this is what we call a... come to think of it, there's no such thing as a tie in Parcheesi. Captain Brogard: What does that have to do with anything? Daring Dragoon: Well, you brought up the games. I'm just making conversation. Captain Brogard: Then I have a proposition for you. Let us agree to live one more day. Daring Dragoon: Fine by me. Oh, captain, don't look now, but your barn door's open and your cows are getting out. [Brogard looks down, the Dragoon vanishes with an evil laugh]
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The People's Dragoon Jack Stiles: Well, you know how the shipping business is, you always lose ten percent in transit. You can't keep track of every little dollar. You don't have to say it, I know I'm wonderful. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Seems you do have a moral compass after all, Mr. Stiles. You may not always follow it, but it's there. Jack Stiles: Well, let's just let that be our little secret, eh? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Incidentally, ten percent of the gold should be more than enough to free Annie's parents from jail. Jack Stiles: If you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting, let me tell you just how wrong you are... over dinner, and I'm buying.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Once You Go Jack... Kentucky Sue: She always go on like that? Jack Stiles: Only when she's not yelling at me. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Excuse me, I do not yell. I chastise. Kentucky Sue: Too bad. I've never been one for chastity. Jack Stiles: Yeah, you got that right, baby. Hey, you remember in Valley Forge when we melted that snow? Kentucky Sue: You were some Minuteman. Jack Stiles: Minuteman? What are you talking about, baby? I was a five-minute man at least.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Once You Go Jack... Jack Stiles: I'm the itch you can't scratch. The gas you can't pass.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Once You Go Jack... Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: If it works, France will use it to bombard England across the Channel! Jack Stiles: So? Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: It could pave the way for an invasion. Jack Stiles: Big deal. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: England might lose the war! Jack Stiles: Oh, boo-hoo! Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: The fate of the free world hangs in the balance. Jack Stiles: [yawns] Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: You'll get to blow something up. Jack Stiles: All right, count me in.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Floundering Father Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Ten of your American dollars says God is a woman. Jack Stiles: Well that explains why we're always trying to please her, and nothing we ever do is good enough. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: It would also explain why we're no longer covered in fur while we hunt our neighbors for recreation. Jack Stiles: Yeah, yeah. Next thing you'll tell me, God's British. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I'm trying to break you in slowly, Jack.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Sex and the Single Spy Monsieur Martin: I have a - how shall we say - a condition which requires me to wear special undergarments. Jack Stiles: [sotto voce, to Emilia] A Jacques-strap, no doubt.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Return of the Dragoon Jack Stiles: I would've knocked, but my fist had other plans.
	Unknown Episode: Jack Stiles: It's a beautiful day, and the scent of violence is in the air.
	Unknown Episode: Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: Ten of your American dollars says God is a woman. Jack Stiles: Which explains why nothing we do ever pleases Her. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: And also explains why we're no longer covered in fur and hunting our neighbors for sport. Jack Stiles: Next you'll tell me God's British. Mrs. Emilia Smythe Rothschild: I'm trying to break you in slowly, Jack.

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