It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

- Episode Quotes

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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 6: - The World Series Defense Dee Reynolds: [Reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase I feel like I can call you chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real homerun!
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Mac: I gave him an ocular pat down.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Mac: [Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Dee Reynolds: [after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis The Attorney: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them. [Frank starts yelling] Charlie Kelly: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. [turns to lawyer] Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex. The Attorney: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate. Charlie Kelly: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here. The Attorney: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again? Charlie Kelly: I could ask you the very same question... The Attorney: [interrupting] I went to Harvard. Charlie Kelly: [incoherent mumbling] The Attorney: What? Charlie Kelly: I'm pleading the 5th, sir. The Attorney: I wouldn't advise you do that. Charlie Kelly: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor? The Attorney: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. Charlie Kelly: [more mumbling]... Filibuster... The Attorney: Do you know what that word means? Charlie Kelly: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it! Dennis Reynolds: What guy? Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction. Mac: You want him to bang you? Charlie Kelly: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened [shows gang history book] . Take a look at this picture. What do you see? Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other. Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out. Dennis Reynolds: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers? Charlie Kelly: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to... Charlie Kelly: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dennis Reynolds: I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dennis Reynolds: Yes, we could stave the husbands skull in. We could take the wife down to the basement and have a frenzied free for all. We could tie the little kids up in their rooms... Mac: Oh no, we'd have to kill the kids cause they've seen our faces. Dennis Reynolds: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. There's any number of scenarios we could engage in. But let's just go get the deed.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dee Reynolds: [at the pool for a family she's agreed to be a surrogate mother for] Hey guys, watch me do this sweet jack knife! [Dives into the pool landing belly first with a loud smack] Tad: Oh! Oh god, are you okay! Dee Reynolds: [spitting out water and gasping for breath] Man I really biffed that one. Thank god there wasn't a baby in there. Tad: You biffed it?
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dennis Reynolds: [Pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner and he's my trophy husband. Mac: That's right, he's my bottom. Dennis Reynolds: Well... I'm a power bottom because I provide most of the power.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Keep singing bitch, you're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Mac: But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Dee Reynolds: [singing] Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/I want to touch you boy... Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/want to make love to you boy...
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Frank Reynolds: [singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways? Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery. Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are. Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy woman!
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Dee Reynolds: You know what I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great... Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'. Dee Reynolds: Holy Shit. Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, I look good AND I feel good. Dee Reynolds: I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea. Dennis Reynolds: Ohh. You've been having diarrhea? Dee Reynolds: Oh God, all over the place. Dennis Reynolds: Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins. Dee Reynolds: You think so? Dennis Reynolds: I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a shit in days. Dee Reynolds: Days? Dennis Reynolds: Days. Dee Reynolds: That doesn't sound good. Dennis Reynolds: Ohh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing. Dee Reynolds: Your body is taking it's job very seriously. Dennis Reynolds: My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out man? This is Johnson's mail ok? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail. Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week? Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here. Mac: Hold on a second bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy. Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work dude. Mac: Uhh, have you seen the secret to my success? Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you. Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me. Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, you sure? How does that movie end dude? Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooo, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the 80's: Day Bow Bow.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Dee Reynolds: Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows. Dennis Reynolds: That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body. [takes out fitness instructor's cd and inserts his own into the cd player] Dee Reynolds: Which muscle? Dennis Reynolds: The face. [Steve Winwood's 'Higher Love' begins playing] That's a gift for you bumble bee. Come on. Dee Reynolds: Enjoy it Coach Dick 'n' Balls.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Dennis Reynolds: [describing his workout goals] I'm going for that Jesus on the cross look.
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life Mac: Let's talk stigmatas.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia Dennis Reynolds: What do I want you to say? I don't know..."Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat-screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person."
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia Dee Reynolds: If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be 'Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Who Pooped the Bed? Artemis: Its time to take off my bra and blast my nips.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Who Pooped the Bed? Artemis: My names Artemis, and i have a bleached asshole.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Who Pooped the Bed? Dee Reynolds: If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class, we cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes. Artemis: He was gonna find out anyways...
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Who Pooped the Bed? Dee Reynolds: That's Artemis, she the sassy one of our group that always plays by her own rules. Artemis: These guys are playing hard to get, I'm going to take off my bra and blast them my nips
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Warden: Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."

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