Mac

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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Characters: #3 of 5 (Full List)

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Played by:

Rob McElhenney

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Mac Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Mac: I gave him an ocular pat down.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Mac: [Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it! Dennis Reynolds: What guy? Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction. Mac: You want him to bang you? Charlie Kelly: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened [shows gang history book] . Take a look at this picture. What do you see? Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other. Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out. Dennis Reynolds: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers? Charlie Kelly: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to... Charlie Kelly: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Mac: Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dennis Reynolds: Yes, we could stave the husbands skull in. We could take the wife down to the basement and have a frenzied free for all. We could tie the little kids up in their rooms... Mac: Oh no, we'd have to kill the kids cause they've seen our faces. Dennis Reynolds: Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. There's any number of scenarios we could engage in. But let's just go get the deed.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Dennis Reynolds: [Pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner and he's my trophy husband. Mac: That's right, he's my bottom. Dennis Reynolds: Well... I'm a power bottom because I provide most of the power.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Mac: But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out man? This is Johnson's mail ok? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail. Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week? Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here. Mac: Hold on a second bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy. Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work dude. Mac: Uhh, have you seen the secret to my success? Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you. Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me. Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, you sure? How does that movie end dude? Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooo, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the 80's: Day Bow Bow.
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life Mac: Let's talk stigmatas.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead. Charlie Kelly: Oh great, I hope you'd say that, great, let's kill ourselves, let's do it.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Mac: [while dancing] Shouldn't have gotten knocked out of the competition ya old bitch!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Frank Reynolds: Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one. Mac: Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as shit. Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it. Frank Reynolds: Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank! Dennis Reynolds: Rank? Frank Reynolds: I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs. Dennis Reynolds: Are we ranked now? Frank Reynolds: Yes, you are. Dennis Reynolds: Where am I ranked? Frank Reynolds: Second, after me. Mac: Wait, what about me? Frank Reynolds: You're third. Mac: WHAT? Why am I third? Frank Reynolds: Too volatile. Mac: BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB? Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize? Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in. Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie! Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing? Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over! Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB? Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize? Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in. Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie! Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing? Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over! Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Dennis Reynolds: Tire her out with your spastic movements. Mac: I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Mac: [sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here? Frank Reynolds: We're makin' brownies... Matthew Mara 'Rickety Cricket': The drug-filled kind.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Bums: Making a Mess All Over the City Mac: The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless, and you people are counting on the police?
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 Mac: [after being threatened by the mob] To be honest fellas we're about six beers deep here so you're gonna have to be a little clearer.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night! Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't! Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night. Mac: Yes, I did! Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday. Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes. Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck? Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions. Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird. Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him. Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky. Mac: Uh, more ripped. Charlie Kelly: Strike that. Mac: Jacked. Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant. Mac: Toned Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration Mac: I work out. Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dennis Reynolds: [Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see? Mac: My friend Sandy. Dennis Reynolds: Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl? Mac: I have no idea. Dennis Reynolds: Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please? Dee Reynolds: [walks out] Oh, hello, Mac. Dennis Reynolds: Not so young and attractive, is she?
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dee Reynolds: Did you bring the condoms? Mac: Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Charlie Kelly: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the... Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part? Charlie Kelly: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you! Charlie Kelly: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest [starts singing again] It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Dennis Reynolds: What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book? Mac: It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the rapping parts and get on the stage.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Frank Reynolds: 5 6 7 8 Charlie Kelly: Night man, sneaky and mean, spider inside my dreams, i think i love you, you make me want to cry, you make me want to die, i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you night man. Charlie Kelly: Every night you come into my room, and pin me down with your strong arms, and pin me down and i try to fight you. You come inside me, you fill me up and... Frank Reynolds, Mac: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Charlie Charlie. Mac: Charlie hold on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kinda cool but whats with the second half? Charlie Kelly: It's about the night man, like you know like filling me up and i become him i become the spirit of the night man. Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. Charlie Kelly: What dude, where are you getting that from? It's just two men sharing the night, it might seem wrong but its just right, it's just two men sharing each other, it's just two men like loving brothers, one on top and one on bottom, one inside and one is out, one is screaming he's so happy, the others screaming a passionate shout, it's the night man, I'm feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man, i can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and i become the night, the passionate, passionate night man. Mac: We need a new front man.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Mac: [referring to band] You're not in it. Dennis Reynolds: Why am I not in it? I have a great voice. Mac: You do have a great voice. You know what, man? You have an excellent voice the problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem shit and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in. Dennis Reynolds: Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments. Mac: Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass. Frank Reynolds: Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability. Mac: Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Charlie Kelly: Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair! Mac: Charlie, it's covered in bird shit. Charlie Kelly: No... it's toothpaste. Mac: It's clearly bird shit. Charlie Kelly: No, it's not. It's toothpaste. Mac: Do you even own a toothbrush?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Gang Sells Out Mac: No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing! Frank Reynolds: What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - The Gang Sells Out Frank Reynolds: You don't look like a gay guy. Dennis Reynolds: That's because he's a bear. Mac: What? Dennis Reynolds: He's a bear, you see some gay guys are twinks and other are bears, this gay guy is a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that, to each his own Frank Reynolds: Wait I'm a little confused here, what's a twink? Dennis Reynolds: Twink is small and slender, like mac. Mac: Whoa, no, I'm too muscular, I would be a bear. Dennis Reynolds: Uh, don't think so bro, not hairy enough. Frank Reynolds: Smooth. Now, I would be a bear. Dennis Reynolds: No, no, I see, I don't think you'd be a bear either, as a matter of fact I don't know what you'd be, you're definitely not a twink. Frank Reynolds: I'd be a top, that's for sure. Mac: Can a twink be a top, or is that reserved for bears? Dennis Reynolds: I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms. Frank Reynolds: What's a power bottom? Mac: A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power. Frank Reynolds: Actually Mac, you've got it backwards, you see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work. Frank Reynolds: Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom? Mac: Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it. Frank Reynolds: Speed has everything to do with it, you see the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply, speeds the name of the game.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - The Gang Gets Held Hostage Frank Reynolds: There's broken glass everywhere. Mac: Broken glass? Oh my god I think you found Charlie's bad room. Frank Reynolds: What the hell is that? Mac: It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles, dude you gotta get out of there, he's going to find you.

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