Charlie Kelly

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

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Charlie Day

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Charlie Kelly Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude!
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis The Attorney: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them. [Frank starts yelling] Charlie Kelly: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. [turns to lawyer] Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex. The Attorney: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate. Charlie Kelly: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here. The Attorney: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again? Charlie Kelly: I could ask you the very same question... The Attorney: [interrupting] I went to Harvard. Charlie Kelly: [incoherent mumbling] The Attorney: What? Charlie Kelly: I'm pleading the 5th, sir. The Attorney: I wouldn't advise you do that. Charlie Kelly: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor? The Attorney: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. Charlie Kelly: [more mumbling]... Filibuster... The Attorney: Do you know what that word means? Charlie Kelly: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it! Dennis Reynolds: What guy? Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction. Mac: You want him to bang you? Charlie Kelly: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened [shows gang history book] . Take a look at this picture. What do you see? Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other. Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out. Dennis Reynolds: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers? Charlie Kelly: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to... Charlie Kelly: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Keep singing bitch, you're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways? Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery. Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are. Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy woman!
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out man? This is Johnson's mail ok? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail. Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week? Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here. Mac: Hold on a second bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy. Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work dude. Mac: Uhh, have you seen the secret to my success? Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you. Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me. Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, you sure? How does that movie end dude? Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooo, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the 80's: Day Bow Bow.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Charlie Kelly: Charlie, open up, we got a dick hole in the bar, we need you to come fill it in. Charlie Kelly: Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead. Charlie Kelly: Oh great, I hope you'd say that, great, let's kill ourselves, let's do it.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C. And J all over your B's.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes, S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis Charlie Kelly: 'Cause I cut the brake line! Wildcard bitches! Yeeehaaawww!
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis Charlie Kelly: Wildcard, bitches! Yehaw!
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis Charlie Kelly: Wildcard, bitches! Yeehaw!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Mac and Dennis: Manhunters Charlie Kelly: [singing] Sharing, it's a rule now. [fart noise]
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Mac and Dennis: Manhunters Charlie Kelly: [Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies. Dee Reynolds: They're dead. Two dead guys. Charlie Kelly: This is the real deal here. Dee Reynolds: [Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy. Charlie Kelly: I don't think I can, right? Why is that? Dee Reynolds: I don't know. Charlie Kelly: It's not because he's black, though, right? Dee Reynolds: Of course not... I don't think so... No. Charlie Kelly: It's because he's dead, right? Dee Reynolds: It's because he's dead, that's why not. Charlie Kelly: Good, good, good. [pause] I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy? Dee Reynolds: Well, shit, Charlie. Now it is. Charlie Kelly: I'm sorry, Dee. [walking over to white specimen] The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason. Dee Reynolds: So much better, doesn't he? What is that? Charlie Kelly: You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat. Dee Reynolds: I prefer the white meat. I always have. Charlie Kelly: It's not that guy. It's this guy. Dee Reynolds: The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals and we're racists. Dee Reynolds: We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude. Dee Reynolds: You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy. Charlie Kelly: [long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it. Dee Reynolds: No. Me neither. Charlie Kelly: The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Dee Reynolds: Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB? Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize? Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in. Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie! Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing? Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over! Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Dee Reynolds: [about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB? Dennis Reynolds: Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize? Charlie Kelly: No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in. Dee Reynolds: That's a 'Z', Charlie! Frank Reynolds: Didn't you read that goddamn thing? Charlie Kelly: I gave it a once-over! Mac: Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Charlie Kelly: [Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy. Dennis Reynolds: Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Charlie Kelly: Bro, I can handle my sedatives.
	Season 3 / Episode 15: - The Gang Dances Their Asses Off Charlie Kelly: DJ Fat Michael? Fat Michael: Yo! Charlie Kelly: Squirrely D? DJ Squirrely D: My man! Charlie Kelly: Can you please play my tape for a dance chal-LONGE? Fat Michael: Yes, I can do, my brother! Charlie Kelly: [to Dennis] Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 Charlie Kelly: Absolutely, I hear you! We're saying we're gonna do the drugs and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights... Dennis Reynolds: Thats asinine!
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - The Gang Gets Whacked: Part 1 Charlie Kelly: Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money. Dee Reynolds: What? Charlie Kelly: Yes, I did! Dee Reynolds: No, you didn't! Charlie Kelly: I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that? Dee Reynolds: He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Dennis Looks Like a Registered Sex Offender Frank Reynolds: Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say. Charlie Kelly: Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid? Frank Reynolds: Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dennis Reynolds: [the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night! Mac: [nervously] No, I didn't! Dennis Reynolds: Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night. Mac: Yes, I did! Dee Reynolds: Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday. Mac: No, they aren't. They're different clothes. Dennis Reynolds: Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck? Mac: Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions. Dee Reynolds: Well, that was weird. Charlie Kelly: I wonder what got into him. Frank Reynolds: Serial killin'!
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Charlie Kelly: Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal! Frank Reynolds: We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Mac Is a Serial Killer Dee Reynolds: This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky. Mac: Uh, more ripped. Charlie Kelly: Strike that. Mac: Jacked. Charlie Kelly: Irrelevant. Mac: Toned Charlie Kelly: Exaggeration Mac: I work out. Charlie Kelly: I'll allow it.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Charlie Kelly: [singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the... Mac: [cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part? Charlie Kelly: Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man Mac: Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you! Charlie Kelly: What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest [starts singing again] It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Frank Reynolds: 5 6 7 8 Charlie Kelly: Night man, sneaky and mean, spider inside my dreams, i think i love you, you make me want to cry, you make me want to die, i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you night man. Charlie Kelly: Every night you come into my room, and pin me down with your strong arms, and pin me down and i try to fight you. You come inside me, you fill me up and... Frank Reynolds, Mac: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Charlie Charlie. Mac: Charlie hold on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kinda cool but whats with the second half? Charlie Kelly: It's about the night man, like you know like filling me up and i become him i become the spirit of the night man. Mac: But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you. Charlie Kelly: What dude, where are you getting that from? It's just two men sharing the night, it might seem wrong but its just right, it's just two men sharing each other, it's just two men like loving brothers, one on top and one on bottom, one inside and one is out, one is screaming he's so happy, the others screaming a passionate shout, it's the night man, I'm feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man, i can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and i become the night, the passionate, passionate night man. Mac: We need a new front man.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person Charlie Kelly: What is going on up here? [Points to his head and laughs] Dennis Reynolds: I never know man. Charlie Kelly: Daylight. [Pointing to a bright window] Dennis Reynolds: Yeah i like that. [pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat] Charlie Kelly: Day, Day-man. Dennis Reynolds: Dayman? Charlie Kelly: Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the... Dennis Reynolds: sun... Charlie Kelly: Sun! you're a master of karate, Dennis Reynolds: and friendship, for everyone.

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