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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Charlie Kelly Quotes
 | Season 8 / Episode 3: - The Maureen Ponderosa's Wedding Massacre Charlie Kelly: Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got life in its eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering... |
 | Season 7 / Episode 1: - Frank's Pretty Woman Charlie Kelly: Ahh, I swallowed like a million blood capsulettes, cuz I was gonna cough like, you know, a handful of blood, to make it real, and now I'm thinkin' like you're not supposed to eat them or something, cuz they're making me really sick. |
 | Season 6 / Episode 13: - A Very Sunny Christmas Charlie Kelly: [Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie] Santa Claus: Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one? Charlie Kelly: [Charlie sits on Santa's lap] Santa Claus: Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh... [to Mac] Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one. [to Charlie] So, son - what would you like for Christmas, huh? Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom? Santa Claus: ...What? Charlie Kelly: Did you FUCK... my MOM? Santa Claus: Whaddaya mean? I, uh... Charlie Kelly: Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus? Did you fuck my mom? Did you fuck her? DID YOU FUCK MY FUCKING MOM? DID YOU FUCK MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH! [Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away] |
| Season 6 / Episode 13: - A Very Sunny Christmas Dennis Reynolds: If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas. Mac: That's our tradition. Charlie Kelly: Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute. Mac: Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains. Dee Reynolds: Why would grown men throw rocks at trains? Mac: Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people. Charlie Kelly: It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas. Mac: They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents. Dee Reynolds: You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents? Dennis Reynolds: Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us. Charlie Kelly: Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse. |
| Season 6 / Episode 13: - A Very Sunny Christmas Charlie Kelly: Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that? Mac: That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents. Charlie Kelly: What are you talking about? What was happening there? Mac: That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run. Charlie Kelly: I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home. Mac: Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie. Charlie Kelly: No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense. Mac: You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents? Charlie Kelly: No! No one does that! Mac: Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition. Charlie Kelly: Mac, your dad is a thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy. Mac: This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 12: - The Gang Reignites the Rivalry Charlie Kelly: [after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water? Mac: [Customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison. Charlie Kelly: No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar. Frank Reynolds: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. [pause] What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones? Charlie Kelly: Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy. Frank Reynolds: And the mayo? Charlie Kelly: That's shampoo. Frank Reynolds: You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches? Charlie Kelly: If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 8: - Paddy's Pub: Home of the Original Kitten Mittens Charlie Kelly: [Looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh shit, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car! Dee Reynolds: Get down! Charlie Kelly: Why's he coming towards us? Dee Reynolds: Get down and hold still! Attorney: [Gets in drivers seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now? |
 | Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Waitress is Getting Married Charlie Kelly: I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box [draws H on box] This way we'll all know it's full of hornets. Dennis Reynolds: Do what you have to do. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention Dennis Reynolds: We're caring people that's out nature Tabitha: Um what is Frank struggling with the most right now? Dee Reynolds: Ooh he is trying to bang our aunt Dennis Reynolds: That's the big one Tabitha: these things deal more with drugs and alchohol abuse Dennis Reynolds: Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here Tabitha: so he does have a drinking problem Charlie Kelly: Oh Big time! Dee Reynolds: Oh lady [sips from her can of wine] |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention Dee Reynolds: So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta and just barate him into being the guy we wanna be around? Tabitha: No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from of love and concern. Dennis Reynolds: [Shakes his head] To soft, we should come out with an iron fist and crush him to submission Charlie Kelly: And if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention. Tabitha: Why would I need to be armed? Charlie Kelly: Well Frank is usally carrying around a little gun and he really doesn't hesitate to use it. Dennis Reynolds: And you know what? Have the gunb out and ready to rock Dee Reynolds: [Nods] It's just safer. Charlie Kelly: Yeah,we'll all have guns Charlie Kelly: You know what if we just kind of ambush Frank with some kind of net or some kind of rope device the gun would maybe drop out of his waist. Dee Reynolds: You want to bring him in a net. Dennis Reynolds: That could get awkward. I say bring the gun. Dee Reynolds: Bring the gun Charlie Kelly: [Shakes head] I don't want to get shot, so just bring the gun. |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention Charlie Kelly: Why do we never play 'nightcrawlers' anymore huh? |
| Season 5 / Episode 4: - The Gang Gives Frank an Intervention Dee Reynolds: What is "Night Crawlers?" Dennis Reynolds: It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms. Charlie Kelly: I never said that. Frank Reynolds: Yeah, well that's what it is. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude! |
| Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Gang Hits the Road Mac: [Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it. Charlie Kelly: Just bite it? Mac: Yeah. Charlie Kelly: Okay. Mac: Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it... Charlie Kelly: [Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand. Mac: Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude. Charlie Kelly: Ah. Mac: He burned us. Gypsy son of a bitch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry. Fruit Vendor: You picked it out. Mac: Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear. Charlie Kelly: I can't, I just ate it. Mac: The whole thing? Charlie Kelly: Yeah. It was pretty gross and I... Mac: The stem and-and the core? Charlie Kelly: You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude! Mac: Did you eat the stickers that are all over it? Charlie Kelly: Yeah, it was gross! Mac: Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro! Charlie Kelly: I eat stickers all the time, dude! Mac: Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis The Attorney: This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them. [Frank starts yelling] Charlie Kelly: Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. [turns to lawyer] Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex. The Attorney: Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate. Charlie Kelly: Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here. The Attorney: I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again? Charlie Kelly: I could ask you the very same question... The Attorney: [interrupting] I went to Harvard. Charlie Kelly: [incoherent mumbling] The Attorney: What? Charlie Kelly: I'm pleading the 5th, sir. The Attorney: I wouldn't advise you do that. Charlie Kelly: And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor? The Attorney: You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general. Charlie Kelly: [more mumbling]... Filibuster... The Attorney: Do you know what that word means? Charlie Kelly: [after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door] |
| Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Charlie Kelly: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it! Dennis Reynolds: What guy? Charlie Kelly: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction. Mac: You want him to bang you? Charlie Kelly: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened [shows gang history book] . Take a look at this picture. What do you see? Mac: I see two trannies shooting at each other. Charlie Kelly: No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out. Dennis Reynolds: How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers? Charlie Kelly: [slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to... Charlie Kelly: [giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied. |
| Season 5 / Episode 1: - The Gang Exploits the Mortgage Crisis Mac: It doesn't matter we shouldn't bash these people up Dennis Reynolds: No, no of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, okay. Absolutely we could cave the husbands scull in here. Yes we could take the wife in the basement have a frenzy free for all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms up stairs so they wouldn't hear none of it. Mac: We'll have to kill the kids because they would've seen our faces. Dennis Reynolds: Right, right we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys there are a number of twisted scenerios that could play out here but I think really is just to get the deed. Charlie Kelly: Right, why get weird? |
 | Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Keep singing bitch, you're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you! |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Nightman Cometh Charlie Kelly: Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 12: - The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition Mac: Now this is smart, the first thing to becoming American: Get a credit card? Dennis Reynolds: Absolutely, we need this guy to build up copius amounts of debt. That's what being an American is all about... we're doin this guy a favor. Charlie Kelly: We're doing him a HUGE favor, and do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American Debt? Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time! |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - The Gang Gets Extreme: Home Makeover Edition Charlie Kelly: GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell Charlie Kelly: Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways? Frank Reynolds: Maybe she used her sorcery. Dee Reynolds: Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are. Frank Reynolds: Damn your necromancy woman! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack Charlie Kelly: Will you just help me out man? This is Johnson's mail ok? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail. Mac: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week? Charlie Kelly: Yeah man, help me out here. Mac: Hold on a second bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy. Charlie Kelly: Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work dude. Mac: Uhh, have you seen the secret to my success? Charlie Kelly: Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you. Mac: Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me. Charlie Kelly: Uhhh, you sure? How does that movie end dude? Mac: Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooo, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the 80's: Day Bow Bow. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Charlie Kelly: Charlie, open up, we got a dick hole in the bar, we need you to come fill it in. Charlie Kelly: Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro. |
| Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Mac: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead. Charlie Kelly: Oh great, I hope you'd say that, great, let's kill ourselves, let's do it. |
| Season 4 / Episode 5: - Mac and Charlie Die: Part One Dee Reynolds: [Knocks on door] Charlie, open up we got a dickhole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in. Charlie Kelly: [sighs] Ok, I gotta go fill her dickhole, bro. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C. And J all over your B's. |
| Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Charlie Kelly: Uh, later dudes, S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs. |
| Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Dennis Reynolds: You'd better have a damn good reason for getting us up this early. Frank Reynolds: Yeah I was going over the company expense report. Dennis Reynolds: Those are all legitimate. Frank Reynolds: Oh yeah? Who spent $500 on laser hair removal? Dennis Reynolds: I did. Frank Reynolds: Who spent $1500 on a samurai sword? Mac: Got to be able to protect this place. Frank Reynolds: Who spent $5000 on a video camera? Dee Reynolds: See what I figured was all those crazy characters I've been creating over the years? I'm gonna take them and put them Youtube and then maybe get discovered by like a casting director. Charlie Kelly: Are you serious? [everyone starts arguing] Dennis Reynolds: But these are all legitimate expenses. Some are definitely more realistic than others. [everyone points to Dee] Frank Reynolds: What I bought is a business expense. What I bought is gonna save our asses! Charlie Kelly: What did you get? Frank Reynolds: I bought a billboard! [cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"] |
| Season 4 / Episode 3: - America’s Next Top Paddy’s Billboard Model Contest Dee Reynolds: See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird. Dennis Reynolds: [agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she? Charlie Kelly: See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are. |
| Next: Dennis Reynolds |
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