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 | Season 7 / Episode 5: - Field Trip Marshall Eriksen: Where are we going? Garrison Cootes: War son, we're going to war. |
| Season 7 / Episode 5: - Field Trip Barney Stinson: [to Kevin] So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a therapist and bang your patients, that's normal, but to do it for real? Little creepy bro. |
| Season 7 / Episode 5: - Field Trip Barney Stinson: Studies show that 83% of all college students desperately need, Sex Lessons! Ted Mosby: [Protesting] Barney these are eighteen-year-olds! Barney Stinson: Ted, these are *eighteen-year-olds*! |
| Season 7 / Episode 5: - Field Trip Marshall Eriksen: Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said yesterday on how we all are going to die. Garrison Cootes: Oh, I'm not gonna die. I've bought a mine shaft in Colorado. I spent the past six months stocking it with canned goods, assault rifles, and all five seasons of Friday Night Lights. Marshall Eriksen: First of all, you can skip season 2. Second of all, after our talk, I came pretty close to giving up myself, but then I went to the doctor with my wife, and I saw this. [shows Garrison ultrasound footage on laptop] Garrison Cootes: Boy or girl? Marshall Eriksen: I don't know, but I know I sure as hell can't give up now. So if you're looking for someone to hold one end of the limbo stick, you got the wrong guy. You know why? Garrison Cootes: 'Cause you're three feet taller than everyone in this office? Marshall Eriksen: No, because if I'm going to work here, then first thing tomorrow, I'm going down to Gruber Pharmaceuticals and rejecting our offer - even if I have to do it myself. |
| Season 7 / Episode 5: - Field Trip Barney Stinson: [Barney tries to call Nora on her actual age] I know you're old, and I've been struggling with it, but when I look at you, and I don't care, because I really like you... and because for 37, you're keeping it really tight! Nora: You think I'm 37? Barney Stinson: If you were actually 29, then you would have been a little kid the first time you saw the Ewoks, and you would have loved them! Nora: Barney, I never saw any of the Star Wars movies until last year. Barney Stinson: You... you're 29? [embraces Nora] You still have one good year left! Nora: [Surprised] What? Barney Stinson: Nothing... [kisses Nora] |
 | Season 7 / Episode 4: - The Stinson Missile Crisis Robin Scherbatsky: [about an urn-like object] What's that thing? Barney Stinson: For some it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match! |
| Season 7 / Episode 4: - The Stinson Missile Crisis Marshall Eriksen: You know what? Screw it! Who says two bros can't rock a birthing class? |
| Season 7 / Episode 4: - The Stinson Missile Crisis Marshall Eriksen: It's fascinating how profoundly little I know about vaginas. |
| Season 7 / Episode 4: - The Stinson Missile Crisis Dr. Sonya: [as Ted and Marshall are leaving the birthing class] Dads, this is the time I'll answer every question you've ever had about vaginas. Marshall Eriksen: Damn it! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Ted Mosby: Oh, guess who I ran into [at the Architect's Ball] . A girl from my past. Any guesses? Lily Aldrin: Stella. Barney Stinson: Zoey. Marshall Eriksen: Karen? Lily Aldrin: The girl who beat you up. Barney Stinson: The girl who ruined a photo with Slash! Marshall Eriksen: The girl who made you get the butterfly tattoo? Ted Mosby: You make it sound like I dated a series of Stieg Larsson novels. |
| Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Lily Aldrin: I am going to have to walk this earth knowing that Barney has touched my boobs. Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah it stays with yah. His email reminders don't help. |
| Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Lily Aldrin: Terms, if you can do all that stuff that Marshall just listed off I will let you touch one boob. Barney Stinson: Both boobs! Lily Aldrin: Just one. Barney Stinson: Touch and squeeze. Lily Aldrin: Just touch. Barney Stinson: Touch and motor boat. Lily Aldrin: Just touch. Barney Stinson: Honka honka? Lily Aldrin: [Annoyed] Barney... Barney Stinson: Just touch. Lily Aldrin: Just touch. Barney Stinson: For one hour. Lily Aldrin: For one second! Barney Stinson: Twenty minutes both boobs. Lily Aldrin: Thirty seconds one boob. Barney Stinson: Four minutes, both boobs, three squeezes. Lily Aldrin: One minute, both boobs, one squeeze. Barney Stinson: Deal! |
| Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Marshall Eriksen: Let the dinnertainment begin! |
| Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Ted Mosby: [about Lily's pregnancy boobs] Jeez Lily it's like you have a butt on your chest. |
| Season 7 / Episode 3: - Ducky Tie Barney Stinson: [about Lily's boobs] What are you waiting for, Lil? Bust 'em out, make 'em dance! Lily Aldrin: No! Barney Stinson: [singing] Let your boobies show! Marshall Eriksen: Okay, I'm sorry, pal, but the party of my wife's sweater is a private event, and I'm the bouncer, so... Robin Scherbatsky: Dude, I think they are the bouncers. Marshall Eriksen: Okay, can we stop talking about my wife's breasts? It's... Ted ran into Victoria! Ted Mosby: I know, I'm-I'm still a little shaken about it, I mean, there she was after all these years, the emotions, and memories, and... Jeez, Lily, it's like you have a butt on your chest. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Nora: [In coming clean to Nora, Barney explains every lie he's ever made to seduce a woman] Okay, let's skip ahead. What's the worst one? The lowest of the low? The crème de la creepy? Barney Stinson: Oh, I once pulled the Soul Man. There was this beautiful girl who only dated black guys- [black woman at next booth overhears and looks in their direction] Black Woman: Barnelle? Ooh, I knew it! [Storms out] |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Marshall Eriksen: This was bound to happen eventually. I've been trying so hard to suppress like my carefree idiot side that it just rebelled and came out swingin'. |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Marshall Eriksen: [Drunk] Whoa, did someone say generous endowment? I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you can call me, Beercules! |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute. You're going to date two girls at once? Don't you think you should just choose one before it gets serious? Ted Mosby: Define serious. Lily Aldrin: Well that's complicated. I guess you have to weigh expectations, emotional investments... Marshall Eriksen: Third base, serious at third base! |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Ted Mosby: Robin, get me my legal pad. It's Pros and Cons Time! |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Ted Mosby: I can't decide. They're both awesome. Robin Scherbatsky: If only architects had two balls, right, Ted? [Ted gives her an annoyed look] Lily Aldrin: [Helpful] I got this. Ted, [extends fists] left or right? Ted Mosby: Yes, yes, great idea. Let the fates decide, huh? [speaks while alternating fists] I will pick left. [Lily slaps him] Lily Aldrin: Just call one of 'em! |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Ted Mosby: I don't want to be choosing between two girls. I want to be a complete head over heels idiot for one! |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Barney Stinson: And that concludes all the space related lies. Let's move onto the world of sports. Oh wait sorry, I just thought of another space one. I've been bitten by a moon snake, you need to suck all the space poison out of my... [Trails off] |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - The Naked Truth Ted Mosby: Sixteen moments of pure destiny in one day. And of those sixteen, ten were single. Of those ten, seven liked what they saw. Of those seven, four were women. Of those four, two gave me their real number. And I have a date with both of them! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Barney Stinson: [Having failed a play on a girl, Barney tries some 'customer feedback'] Wait, before you go, please answer the following survey so I could better bang you in the future. What didn't work for you about this play? Did you A. not believe that I was a Guinness Book World Record holder, or B. did the fingernails gross you out? [shows long fingernails] |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Marshall Eriksen: [about Ted's tear-filled best man speech] This isn't a meltdown. These are tears of joy. Ted is happy for his friends. 'Cause he's the best guy that I know and you know why he's happy? Because this [gestures to Lily] beautiful lady right here is pregnant. Kelly: [Reacts because she was sitting behind Lily and thought Marshall was referring to her] How did you know that? That was supposed to be a secret! |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Marshall Eriksen: The only person who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen! |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Lily Aldrin: [Lily is pregnant, but her and Marshall haven't told anyone yet] You're drinking for two tonight baby Marshall Eriksen: I will do this, for the child. |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Barney Stinson: Here's your toast, single file ladies! No fatties! Ted Mosby: That's ridiculous! Barney Stinson: Yeah you're right, it's Cleveland. Single file ladies! |
| Season 7 / Episode 1: - The Best Man Ted Mosby: I used to believe in destiny, you know? I go to the bagel place, see a pretty girl in line, reading my favorite novel, whistling the song that's been stuck in my head all week, and I think: "Wow... Hey, maybe she's the one?" Now I think: "I just know that bitch is going to take the last whole wheat everything bagel." Robin Scherbatsky: You've just been focused on work. Ted Mosby: No, it's more than that. I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-toast way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks. What do I about that, Scherbatsky? Robin Scherbatsky: You're Ted Mosby. You start believing again. Ted Mosby: In what? Destiny? Robin Scherbatsky: Chemistry. You got chemistry, you only need one other thing. Ted Mosby: What's that? Robin Scherbatsky: Timing. But timing's a bitch. |
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