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 | Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Ted Mosby: Instead of throwing away your life marrying some girl, you just go splitsies on a kid with your best bro! |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Barney Stinson: I wish men could have children on their own, like seahorses! |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Barney Stinson: You know what would kick ass? Ted Mosby: Being gay? Barney Stinson: Being gay! |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Marshall Eriksen: [Marshall talks to Lily about selling the house she inherited from her grandparents] Baby, your grandparents gave you this house outright. The way I see it, we have five options: number one, sell it. Number two, year-round haunted house. Three, giant fence around the perimeter. Chimp sanctuary, there's a swing around the backyard. Four, we destroy it with sledgehammers. I like four. Lily Aldrin: Or five, we move in, raise our children, make this our family home. Marshall Eriksen: 'Till they graduate, and we destroy it with sledgehammers... as a family. |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Narrator: [about Past Ted and Barney trying to adopt a baby and raise it as "Bro-Parents"] Kids I cannot stress this enough: Barney and I were going through a tough time. |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Barney Stinson: A kid needs a pet cobra. Ted don't be pill about this. |
| Season 7 / Episode 11: - The Rebound Girl Barney Stinson: [Barney talks to Robin, who just locked herself up at a bathroom] Are we still friends? Robin Scherbatsky: Hope. Barney Stinson: Good. [sits on bathtub] 'Cause get this, Ted almost adopted a baby. [scoffs] Crazy, right? Poor guy's going through some stuff. He actually tried to rope me into it. Can you imagine me being someone's dad? Robin Scherbatsky: ...I'm pregnant. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Kevin: I don't care about every detail from your past and I hope you don't care about mine either. What I do care about is you. |
| Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Kevin: We've all done bad things. It doesn't mean we're bad people. |
| Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Marshall Eriksen: ["Sandwich" is a euphemism for pot] I think that sandwich was laced with other stuff... like hard meats. |
| Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Barney Stinson: [Describing himself] Uh lets see, suits, laser tag, I say "wait for it" a lot, that's pretty much it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Barney Stinson: What's that saying about two wrongs making a right? Robin Scherbatsky: Two wrongs don't make a right? Barney Stinson: [Dismissing this] No that's not it... |
| Season 7 / Episode 10: - Tick Tick Tick... Marshall Eriksen: [Having an epiphany after getting high and believing they've missed the entire Groove show] I'm sorry, Ted. I still want to have fun, but want to be a good husband and father too. Just not enough time, you know Ted Mosby: I know, it all goes by so damn fast you know. Marshall Eriksen: We're getting old. [sees Lily] Lily! [hugs her] I'm so sorry that we ruined our night Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about? You've been gone for less than two minutes! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 9: - Disaster Averted Ted Mosby: [Ted tries to convince the gang to leave New York ahead of Hurricane Irene] Guys, luckily you're friends with a former Boy Scout, who is always... Robin Scherbatsky: Unpopular. Lily Aldrin: Beaten up. Barney Stinson: Going to movies with his mom. Ted Mosby: ...A Boy Scout is always prepared... Robin Scherbatsky: Prepared to spend lunch in his locker. Marshall Eriksen: Prepared to die a virgin. Barney Stinson: Prepared to paint his sister's nails... Ted Mosby: ...Prepared for emergencies. That's why a week ago, when Irene was a tropical depression... Robin Scherbatsky: You're a tropical depression. |
| Season 7 / Episode 9: - Disaster Averted Lily Aldrin: [Barney has offered Marshall another slap so he can take off his ducky tie] Don't let him tempt you, baby. Marshall Eriksen: I don't know baby, we have a baby on the way, an extra slap would come in handy. |
| Season 7 / Episode 9: - Disaster Averted Marshall Eriksen: Nobody wakes up and says, "Today I'm going to star in a YouTube video!" |
| Season 7 / Episode 9: - Disaster Averted Robin Scherbatsky: [about Hurricane Irene] You know what they call this in the 'Couv? BBQ weather! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 8: - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Marshall Eriksen: Lily you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir. |
| Season 7 / Episode 8: - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Barney Stinson: [Barney has just sipped a drink to drown the fact that he has Canadian blood] This is nice. What is this? Waitress: Canadian whiskey. Barney Stinson: [Spits out drink] I want Scotch... American Scotch, from Scotland! Just get that swill away from me! [hands back glass to waitress and makes cat-like hiss; to Robin] Why are you doing this to me? Robin Scherbatsky: You've been ripping on Canada since Justin Bieber was knee-high to a snowblower, so now this Canuck's gonna be on you like the drummer from the Yukon Blondes, high up on Timbits. |
| Season 7 / Episode 8: - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Naomi: [Naomi, the Slutty Pumpkin, has mutually agreed with Ted to end their relationship] Naomi: Ted, I've been looking for the hot Hanging Chad for the last nine Halloweens. I've waded through a parade of Big Lebowskis, Harry Potters, Antoine Dodsons and the jackass who always dresses as laundry. Ted Mosby: I hate that guy. Naomi: That's why when I finally found you... it was hard to let go. Goodbye, Ted. [offers handshake, but Ted tries to hug her] Let's not touch, ever. Ted Mosby: Probably a good idea. |
| Season 7 / Episode 8: - The Slutty Pumpkin Returns Ted Mosby: [about Naomi, "the Slutty Pumpkin"] The thing is, I like her. Okay? I really, really like her. I just don't seem to like anything she says or does. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta Narrator: [Kevin is not too pleased about Robin massaging Ted on what should be their date night] Now Kevin, as a trained psychologist, knew the appropriate way to voice his displeasure... Kevin: I think we need to calmly discuss the relationship dynamics at play here. I'm uncomfortable with how close you two are as roommates, given your particular romantic history. Narrator: Instead, he took a different approach... Kevin: Oh Hell NO! If you want a date with my girlfriend, I don't have to wear pants in your apartment! [unbuttons pants, revealing boxers] |
| Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta Barney Stinson: I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta Barney Stinson: Come on, Barney Stinson always turns it around. Marshall Eriksen: How? Barney Stinson: Simple, I turned... it... *around*. |
| Season 7 / Episode 7: - Noretta Lily Aldrin: [Marshall and Lily freak out because the other acts like their own fathers] AHHHH, I can't go through with this! Marshall Eriksen: Thank God, me neither. Lily Aldrin: You're too much like my dad. Marshall Eriksen: You're too much like *my* dad! Lily Aldrin: [Angry] Your DAD? Marshall Eriksen: [Later on, after they make up] I'm the real lucky guy because I married my dad. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 6: - Mystery vs. History Ted Mosby: What started out as something really creepy turned out really sweet. Janet: That's kinda my move. |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - Mystery vs. History Robin Scherbatsky: The bitch is hiding something. Barney Stinson: The bitch's totally hiding something |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - Mystery vs. History Robin Scherbatsky: [Robin reflects on her 14th birthday gift, which turns out to be a long trek in the woods and she is being airdropped] I wanna go home, daddy! Robin Sr.: [Points out woods] That direction is nothing but wolves. Forty kilometers that way is a mining town called Smithers. I'd rather take my chances with the wolves. [Hands Robin a Swiss knife] I'll see you in three days. Robin Scherbatsky: But what am I supposed to eat? Robin Sr.: You got a knife! The forest is full of animals, what do you want, a buffet? [drops off Robin] Robin Scherbatsky: Papa! Robin Sr.: Happy Birthday, son! |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - Mystery vs. History Barney Stinson: Oh my god they're six minutes into the date! Ted has probably already told her that he loves her! We gotta get down there! |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - Mystery vs. History Ted Mosby: While this font is often mistaken for Helvetica, it's actually Helvetica Bold. I can actually hear the sound of her vagina being boarded up. |
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