Ted Mosby

How I Met Your Mother

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Josh Radnor

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Ted Mosby Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Ted Mosby: I don't wanna be stuck in a crappy teaching job. No offense, Lily. Lily Aldrin: I got peed on three times today, so no argument here.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Marshall Eriksen: I could totally jump that. Ted Mosby: Marshall, lately it takes you two hours to get off the couch. You can't jump that. Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah? Ted Mosby: Yeah. Marshall Eriksen: Watch me. Narrator: But he didn't jump.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Bill: So, you're the guy who tried to make it with a goat? Ted Mosby: Hey! I did not try to make it with a goat! If anything, the goat was trying to make it with me. Bill: Whatever, but remember: "Baa" means "Baa".
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it. Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats. Marshall Eriksen: That is... Barney Stinson: A big, fat check! Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Barney Stinson: Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it... [Points at Ted] Ted Mosby: I don't get it. [Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture] Oh, accep-ted!
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Ted Mosby: I could be designing concert halls, and bridges. Bridges that could be considered works of art and should be on museums. And I could design those museums. But instead, what am I designing? What has my career led to? A two-story Stetson with outdoor dining on the brim.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Robin Scherbatsky: You better bring an umbrella. Chuckles the Weather Clown says it's going to rain. Ted Mosby: You have a clown who does the weather? That's a little cheesy, isn't it? Robin Scherbatsky: Cheesy? Tell me again what the building you're designing looks like, Hoss?
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Ted Mosby: 200? As in "Sex with"? Barney Stinson: As in "Sex with". I request the highest of fives. Ted Mosby: Not even if I was wearing a hazmat suit.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Ted Mosby: You made it to 200. You should be proud. You should be tested, but you should be proud.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly. Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily. Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true. Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Robin Scherbatsky: Just don't make that naked lady noise. Ted Mosby: I don't make naked lady noises. Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, really? [Flashes Ted] Ted Mosby: He-heh. He-heh. He-heh.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Ted Mosby: The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the "you like her, you call her" rule. Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I don't speak "I never get laid".
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Lily Aldrin: So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Narrator: And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it. Lily Aldrin: I can't be around you anymore. [Leaves] Barney Stinson: Aw, come on! Ted Mosby: Told ya. Barney Stinson: She'll be back. Narrator: And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Old King Clancy Ted Mosby: I don't believe it. I just got screwed by my two best friends, and I didn't even know it. Lily Aldrin: In Canada, that's called a Sneaky Snowplow.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Old King Clancy Ted Mosby: Now when I go in there, I'm probably going to be fired. Best case scenario, my boss is going to ream me out in front of everybody. Robin Scherbatsky: Back home we call that a... Lily Aldrin: ...a Saskatoon Totem Pole. It's all in here.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Marshall Eriksen: Ted, that woman is a douche. Ted Mosby: Thanks for sugar coating it, dude. Marshall Eriksen: Actually, "douche" is sugar coating it.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute! Those are your pajamas? You sleep in suit pajamas? Barney Stinson: Of course. What else would I sleep in? Ted Mosby: A coffin?
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Marshall Eriksen: [Giving reasons for wearing a nightshirt] One: I don't have to wear anything underneath. Ted Mosby: I can vouch for that. Could you please cross your legs, buddy? Marshall Eriksen: Two: it's sexy. Lily Aldrin: I can vouch for that. Could you please uncross your legs, honey?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Ted Mosby: She wasn't that bad. Lily Aldrin: Of course not. That's because she turned you into one of her douche zombies. Marshall Eriksen: [zombie voice] I want to eat your brains, but only if they're organic and grass-fed.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Ted Mosby: We've all done things in college we regret. Marshall grew a soul patch, wore a rasta hat and asked that everyone call him J.B. Smooth. Marshall Eriksen: I do not regret that for a second.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Barney Stinson: [about his fake son, Tyler] So I had to cast auditions, and I ended up with Grant. Ted Mosby: He seems fine. Barney Stinson: Oh, really? Watch this. Hey, Tyler. ["Tyler" doesn't respond] Hey, Tyler. Hey, Tyler! Hey, Grant. Grant: Yeah? Barney Stinson: See? It's like amateur hour over here! Call me crazy, but child actors were way better in the '80s.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san? Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"? Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character. Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"? Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator". Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people? [Breaks down] I'm sorry. I just get so emotional. Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again. Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Ted Mosby: Please, just keep the bar open a little longer. We'll close for you. Carl: You two? No way! You don't know the first thing about running a bar. Barney Stinson: Serve the hotties first? Carl: Here's the keys.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Barney Stinson: We're not the "We love your music, let's sleep together" guys. We're the older guys whose approval they now crave. Ted Mosby: So, we're their dads? Barney Stinson: Exactly.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Barney Stinson: "Totally! Awesome!" College girls sound so stupid. Ted Mosby: Totally. Barney Stinson: Awesome.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Melissa: Thank God you're open. I don't know if you've seen Star Wars, but it's like Hoth outside. Ted Mosby: Dibs. Amanda: It's like the bar I used to go to with my dad, before he passed away. Barney Stinson: And dibs.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Benefits Ted Mosby: [Seeing Robin eat cereal] That looks good. I'll have some of that. Robin Scherbatsky: Sorry. No milk. Ted Mosby: But I just saw a carton of milk in the fridge yesterday. Robin Scherbatsky: It's empty. Ted Mosby: Then throw it away. Robin Scherbatsky: Can't. Trashcan's full. Ted Mosby: So empty the trash. Robin Scherbatsky: I would, but I'm eating cereal.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Benefits Barney Stinson: So I tell her, Gwendoline, every international conflict is due to unresolved sexual tension. Ted Mosby: Every single international conflict? Barney Stinson: That's right. Ted Mosby: The situation in the Middle East? Barney Stinson: Gaza strippers. Next! Ted Mosby: Apartheid? Barney Stinson: Apart tights. What else you got? Ted Mosby: Cold War? Barney Stinson: Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants!
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Benefits Robin Scherbatsky: Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"? Marshall Eriksen: You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines! Ted Mosby: Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Little Minnesota Ted Mosby: It's freezing out there! Where's your coat? Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, I'm Canadian - I don't need a coat. This kind of weather does nothing for me. Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, this is like a spring day back in Minnesota if it wasn't for all the taxis and skyscrapers, and non-white people. Ted Mosby: There aren't any Black people in Minnesota? Marshall Eriksen: Not if Prince is on tour.

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