Marshall Eriksen

How I Met Your Mother

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Jason Segel

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Marshall Eriksen Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Marshall Eriksen: I could totally jump that. Ted Mosby: Marshall, lately it takes you two hours to get off the couch. You can't jump that. Marshall Eriksen: Oh, yeah? Ted Mosby: Yeah. Marshall Eriksen: Watch me. Narrator: But he didn't jump.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Lily Aldrin: You want a reason not to jump? I'll give you a reason. I'm pregnant. Marshall Eriksen: You're pregnant? Oh, my God! I know you've gained a lot of weight lately, but... Lily Aldrin: I was lying, you jerk! Go ahead and jump. I hope you die! Marshall Eriksen: That's all the reason I need.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it. Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats. Marshall Eriksen: That is... Barney Stinson: A big, fat check! Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Marshall Eriksen: Of course Robin never got a speeding ticket. Pretty women never get speeding tickets. Robin Scherbatsky: That is outrageous!... and factual.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen! Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno. Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly. Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily. Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true. Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking? Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us. Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him. Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Barney Stinson: You need that thing that makes you a guy. Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half. Barney Stinson: No, not that thing! I mean a thing that makes you a guy. Like Toy Guy in HR. [new scene] Toy Guy: The bad news is, we have to review the new GNB guidelines. The good news is, we get to do it with Wolverine claws!
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Marshall Eriksen: [Food Guy goes by, carrying cotton candy] Hey, Food Guy. Barney Stinson: [Toy Guy goes by in a scooter] Hey, Toy Guy. [a ninja with a sword passes by] Marshall Eriksen: Who's that guy? Barney Stinson: He doesn't work here. I think we should leave the building. Marshall Eriksen: Really? Barney Stinson: This has happened before.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Murtaugh Marshall Eriksen: Kenny, there is a teen-wolf on the court! That can't be legal!
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Old King Clancy Marshall Eriksen: If I could nail any celebrity, it would be Lily, because she's the star of my heart. Lily Aldrin: Aw! Mine would be Hugh Jackman.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Marshall Eriksen: Ted, that woman is a douche. Ted Mosby: Thanks for sugar coating it, dude. Marshall Eriksen: Actually, "douche" is sugar coating it.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Marshall Eriksen: [Giving reasons for wearing a nightshirt] One: I don't have to wear anything underneath. Ted Mosby: I can vouch for that. Could you please cross your legs, buddy? Marshall Eriksen: Two: it's sexy. Lily Aldrin: I can vouch for that. Could you please uncross your legs, honey?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Ted Mosby: She wasn't that bad. Lily Aldrin: Of course not. That's because she turned you into one of her douche zombies. Marshall Eriksen: [zombie voice] I want to eat your brains, but only if they're organic and grass-fed.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Ted Mosby: We've all done things in college we regret. Marshall grew a soul patch, wore a rasta hat and asked that everyone call him J.B. Smooth. Marshall Eriksen: I do not regret that for a second.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Marshall Eriksen: The story is already written. Ted is Charlie Brown and Karen is Lucy, and she's going to pull the football away and have sex with it.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Hot blondes drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock. Marshall Eriksen: Nice racks. Good eye. That's my wife. Barney Stinson: Nah, I'm not that interested. Lily Aldrin: They're blondes, that's your type. Barney Stinson: Please, Lily. I don't have a type. Do you think the male brain is that shallow that every man has to have a type? Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Asian, with some boob.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san? Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"? Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character. Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"? Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator". Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people? [Breaks down] I'm sorry. I just get so emotional. Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again. Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Marshall Eriksen: I'm sorry, Robin. You're not a robot. I mean, if you are, you're like an incredibly advanced model and humanity doesn't stand a chance.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, these little rituals, telling each other what you ate, they're childish. You're like children playing house. Marshall Eriksen: You know why you don't like them? It's because you've never been in a relationship long enough to develop them. Robin Scherbatsky: What? Marshall Eriksen: You don't understand love. You're like a robot who asks someone who's crying "Why is your face leaking?" Robin Scherbatsky: Okay, robot initiating parking-on-the-curb-until-jackass-apologizes sequence. Beeb-bob-boop-beep-booooop! Marshall Eriksen: Okay, my robot was like a million times better.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Benefits Robin Scherbatsky: Haven't you tried not reading a magazine while "reading a magazine"? Marshall Eriksen: You have to read a magazine! That's why there are magazines! Ted Mosby: Otherwise, it's just a waste of our time.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Benefits Robin Scherbatsky: Last night, I did it while returning a bunch of phone calls. Marshall Eriksen: I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Little Minnesota Ted Mosby: It's freezing out there! Where's your coat? Robin Scherbatsky: Ted, I'm Canadian - I don't need a coat. This kind of weather does nothing for me. Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, this is like a spring day back in Minnesota if it wasn't for all the taxis and skyscrapers, and non-white people. Ted Mosby: There aren't any Black people in Minnesota? Marshall Eriksen: Not if Prince is on tour.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Little Minnesota Marshall Eriksen: [Entering the Walleye Saloon] Evening, everyone! Everyone: Marshall! Marshall Eriksen: This is my friend Robin. Everyone: Robin! Marshall Eriksen: Now get back to your drinking. Everyone: Drinking!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Naked Man Ted Mosby: There is no way that will work on Robin. She'll just laugh at him and throw him out. Lily Aldrin: [laughs] Maybe she'll kick his ass first. Marshall Eriksen: [laughs] Maybe she'll shoot him with her gun.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Woooo! Barney Stinson: Yeah, this is so basically Mad Men. I wanna slap my secretary on the bottom. Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, that is so what they would do on that show. Barney Stinson: What show?
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Not a Father's Day Marshall Eriksen: So, how's the job hunt going? Robin Scherbatsky: Didn't you hear? I got a job at CNN this morning. And I moved to a penthouse made of gold overlooking Central Park. Get your head out of your ass, Marshall.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Not a Father's Day Marshall Eriksen: Talking baby commercial? Ted Mosby: Talking baby commercial.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Shelter Island Barney Stinson: [Reading a brochure on the place the wedding is taking place] Namaste Yoga and Meditation Collective? Marshall Eriksen: I don't know about you guys, but namaste here any longer than I have to.
	Season 4 / Episode 5: - Shelter Island Lily Aldrin: There's no meat. Barney Stinson: There's no alcohol. Marshall Eriksen: It gets worse, you guys. I think that guy you were talking to was lead singer for Spin Doctors.

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