Barney Stinson

How I Met Your Mother

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Neil Patrick Harris
Neil Patrick Harris was born in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on June 15, 1973. He grew up in Ruidoso, New ...

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Barney Stinson Quotes

	Season 4 / Episode 24: - The Leap Barney Stinson: [about the inflatable pool on Ted's roof] No, no, no! This is not pimped out. If anything, this is pimped in.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Barney Stinson: Give it a week. You'll get her back. And her front. Oh! Did you feel that? It felt like a what-up quake.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Marshall Eriksen: He's rich? Please tell me he wrote you a big, fat check. A check so fat, it doesn't take its shirt off when it goes swimming. Barney Stinson: That is a big, fat check. A check so fat, after you have sex with it, you don't tell your buddies about it. Robin Scherbatsky: A check so fat, when it sits next to you on an airplane, you ask yourself if it should have bought two seats. Marshall Eriksen: That is... Barney Stinson: A big, fat check! Ted Mosby: Yeah, he didn't write me a check.
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Barney Stinson: Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? Can't talk my way out of a speeding ticket? I am Barney Stinson, master of manipulation. If I can talk a stripper to pay me for a lap dance, I can talk my way out of a speeding ticket. Challenge accep... wait for it... [Points at Ted] Ted Mosby: I don't get it. [Barney points to head in "think about it" gesture] Oh, accep-ted!
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - As Fast as She Can Robin Scherbatsky: [after Barney's story of how a female officer stripped for him] No, false! Did not happen! Marshall Eriksen: That was a line from a porno. I've seen that porno. Hell, I've made that porno. Barney Stinson: When will you learn that the only difference between my life and porno is that my life has better lighting?
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Ted Mosby: 200? As in "Sex with"? Barney Stinson: As in "Sex with". I request the highest of fives. Ted Mosby: Not even if I was wearing a hazmat suit.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - Right Place Right Time Barney Stinson: [about Pauline, the woman bodybuilder he slept with] Every inch of her tasted like roast beef and creatine.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly. Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily. Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true. Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Ted Mosby: The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the "you like her, you call her" rule. Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I don't speak "I never get laid".
	Season 4 / Episode 21: - The Three Days Rule Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking? Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us. Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him. Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Barney Stinson: Now let's be clear, I don't love her okay? I just miss her when she's not around, I think about her all the time and I imagine us one day running towards each other in slow motion and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Lily Aldrin: So tell me, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam? Narrator: And then Barney told the punchline. To this day, it's the dirtiest joke I've ever heard. And no, I'm not going to say it. Lily Aldrin: I can't be around you anymore. [Leaves] Barney Stinson: Aw, come on! Ted Mosby: Told ya. Barney Stinson: She'll be back. Narrator: And we didn't see Lily again for four weeks.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Barney Stinson: The things I know about this company, I can never be fired. I might find myself ashore with no fingerprints or teeth, but I can never be fired.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Barney Stinson: You need that thing that makes you a guy. Marshall Eriksen: Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half. Barney Stinson: No, not that thing! I mean a thing that makes you a guy. Like Toy Guy in HR. [new scene] Toy Guy: The bad news is, we have to review the new GNB guidelines. The good news is, we get to do it with Wolverine claws!
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Barney Stinson: You're not Lily. Lily is a fiendish mastermind, manipulating everyone so that she gets what she wants. She's pure evil. You have a good one. Hold on to her.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Mosbius Designs Marshall Eriksen: [Food Guy goes by, carrying cotton candy] Hey, Food Guy. Barney Stinson: [Toy Guy goes by in a scooter] Hey, Toy Guy. [a ninja with a sword passes by] Marshall Eriksen: Who's that guy? Barney Stinson: He doesn't work here. I think we should leave the building. Marshall Eriksen: Really? Barney Stinson: This has happened before.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Old King Clancy Barney Stinson: If I could nail any celebrity, it would have to be Scarlett Johansson. She's hot, she's talented, and any woman who does that many Woody Allen movies has to have major daddy issues.
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Old King Clancy Barney Stinson: Canada, you did it again! You even managed to ruin this! Why? Why do we even let you be a country?
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Barney Stinson: What does Ted see in that horrible woman? I mean, sure, she has boobs... Actually, I do see it.
	Season 4 / Episode 17: - The Front Porch Lily Aldrin: Wait a minute! Those are your pajamas? You sleep in suit pajamas? Barney Stinson: Of course. What else would I sleep in? Ted Mosby: A coffin?
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Barney Stinson: [as Lily exits the elevator in GNB office building] Lily! What are you doin' here? Lily Aldrin: Oh! I'm here to give Marshall something. Barney Stinson: Ahhh! Here to, GIVE, him something. [Winks] Gotcha! [Winks] Nice! Lily Aldrin: Yeah, but I'm, I'm in a hurry. Can I just give it to you? Barney Stinson: [Thinks about it] Sure, OK. Lily Aldrin: And, and, and then you'll give it to him. Barney Stinson: Wai... Ho... Ay... I dunno about all that. I mean, yours will have to be very good. Lily Aldrin: What are you talking about? Barney Stinson: What are you talking about? Lily Aldrin: Mar, Marshall forgot his pants, so I'm bringing him a new pair. Barney Stinson: Ha! Marshall forgot his pants. Well, it's a good thing you came by, because he has a really important meeting today and it would be pretty embarrassing, and not at all funny if he were to show up not wearing pants. So, I'll make sure he gets these.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - Sorry, Bro Barney Stinson: Think of the funniest thing ever. Robin Scherbatsky: Got it. Barney Stinson: Now double it. Robin Scherbatsky: A chimpanzee with two tuxedos?
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Barney Stinson: Oh, I am so relieved because the truth is I am as far from married as a human being can possibly be. My history with women would shock and appall you. Loretta Stinson: Doesn't matter. I still love you. Barney Stinson: Seriously, you can't imagine the things I've done. Loretta Stinson: Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad being passed around like a bong. Barney Stinson: Mommy?
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Lily Aldrin: Hey, Barney. Hot blondes drinking bad decision juice at eight o'clock. Marshall Eriksen: Nice racks. Good eye. That's my wife. Barney Stinson: Nah, I'm not that interested. Lily Aldrin: They're blondes, that's your type. Barney Stinson: Please, Lily. I don't have a type. Do you think the male brain is that shallow that every man has to have a type? Barney Stinson: [to Ted] Asian, with some boob.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Lily Aldrin: Where are you going, Barney? Barney Stinson: The beach. It's summer. Home. Shut up. You're going somewhere!
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Barney Stinson: [about his fake son, Tyler] So I had to cast auditions, and I ended up with Grant. Ted Mosby: He seems fine. Barney Stinson: Oh, really? Watch this. Hey, Tyler. ["Tyler" doesn't respond] Hey, Tyler. Hey, Tyler! Hey, Grant. Grant: Yeah? Barney Stinson: See? It's like amateur hour over here! Call me crazy, but child actors were way better in the '80s.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Grant: Meat loaf? Tyler no likey! Barney Stinson: Tyler no likey? What did I tell you? You don't need a catchphrase! Grant: But it's funny. Barney Stinson: You know, you can be recast.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Stinsons Marshall Eriksen: You're telling me that when you watch "The Karate Kid", you don't root for Daniel-san? Ted Mosby: Who do you root for in "Die Hard"? Barney Stinson: Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. In the end, he dies hard. He's the title character. Lily Aldrin: What about "The Breakfast Club"? Barney Stinson: The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit. Robin Scherbatsky: I've got one. "The Terminator". Barney Stinson: What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us did not shed a tear when his little red eye went out in the end, and he didn't get to kill all those people? [Breaks down] I'm sorry. I just get so emotional. Ted Mosby: I am never watching a movie with you again. Barney Stinson: They didn't even try to help him!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Ted Mosby: Please, just keep the bar open a little longer. We'll close for you. Carl: You two? No way! You don't know the first thing about running a bar. Barney Stinson: Serve the hotties first? Carl: Here's the keys.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Three Days of Snow Barney Stinson: Let's go, people! You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here. I've always wanted to say that. I mean, in a bar. I say it all the time at home.

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