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Home Movies Quotes

04x11 - Definite Possible Murder Season 4 / Episode 11: - Definite Possible Murder

Brendon: That guy killed his wife!
Melissa Robbins: Brendon, we dont even have any proof.
Brendon: Did you just say "poof"?
Jason: Wee-ow!
Melissa Robbins: Jason, the whole "wee-ow" thing is getting a little annoying...
Jason: Well Melissa, I think the whole "poof" thing is getting a little annoying.
04x10 - Cho and the Adventures of Amy Lee Season 4 / Episode 10: - Cho and the Adventures of Amy Lee

Coach McGuirk: [showing Brendon his Scottish highland dancing past in a photo album] That was me when I was twelve. And there's my dad. And there's the president of Scotland.
Brendon: Oh! Scottish highland, is that like step dancing?
Coach McGuirk: NO, Brendon! *Nothing* like that crap! It's not Irish. It's Scottish.
Brendon: But aren't you Irish?
Coach McGuirk: Yeah, but I'm not gay. It's different, it's like a sport, alright? People die.
04x08 - Honkey Magoo Season 4 / Episode 8: - Honkey Magoo

Brendon: Look at him out there; everybody else abandoned him. Everybody! Melissa, Jason, nobody cares about him. Nobody cares whether he lives or dies. I'm all that ****ing little piece of ****'s got.
Paula Small: What did you say?
Brendon: [hoarse whisper] Nothing!
04x07 - The Wizard's Baker Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Wizard's Baker

Coach McGuirk: Look, I'm beginning to not want to go out with you, so I suggest you turn this around.
04x07 - The Wizard's Baker Season 4 / Episode 7: - The Wizard's Baker

Coach McGuirk: [screams and shouts of disgust coming from Brendan's home] What's, uh, that all about?
Brendon: Uh, the movie was so boring I spliced in a scene of two dogs having sex.
Coach McGuirk: Oh, that thing I gave you.
Brendon: Yea.
Coach McGuirk: Good move.
Brendon: Thanks.
Melissa's Dad: Just two?
03x13 - Coffins and Cradles Season 3 / Episode 13: - Coffins and Cradles

Brendon: [Shaking with anger] Knock! Knock!
Linda: [In labor, screaming] Who's there?
Brendon: Fuck you!
Linda: Fuck you, too!
02x05 - The Party Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Party

Coach McGuirk: [reading Fenton's birthday invite] "Jolly jeepers / Ain't it great? / Fenton Mulley's turning eight / Eat some ice-cream / Eat some cake / Jeepers jolly / Ain't it great?" Wow. That's awful.
02x03 - Hiatus Season 2 / Episode 3: - Hiatus

Arnold Lindenson: [plastered on a box of wine] Now LOOK at you. What an adorably PERFECT little young lady!
Brendon: Ah. Well... I'm not so little...
02x01 - Politics Season 2 / Episode 1: - Politics

Brendon Small: Mom, I know you're proud of your flowers and all, but can't we just move them to the other side of the... um... city?
Paula Small: No I like them here. What were you saying?
Brendon Small: Move the flowers?
Paula Small: Before that.
Brendon Small: Uh, this meatloaf is dry.
Paula Small: No, before that.
Brendon Small: This is meatloaf?
Paula Small: Before that?
Brendon Small: This fish is dry.
01x06 - Director's Cut Season 1 / Episode 6: - Director's Cut

Coach McGuirk: Hey Brendon, how come the team never carried me off the field?
Brendon: We tried, but you were too big.
Coach McGuirk: Excuse me?
Brendon: I mean, uhh... too drunk?
Coach McGuirk: Yes. Yes I was. But I tell you something Brendon, I am every day, that doesn't mean don't carry me off the field.
01x06 - Director's Cut Season 1 / Episode 6: - Director's Cut

Brendon: I'm not sure that Kafka's "Metamorphosis" is the *best* idea for a rock opera...
01x04 - Brendon Gets Rabies Season 1 / Episode 4: - Brendon Gets Rabies

Jason: [reflecting on a dead cat] I guess what I learned from all this is that the search is the most important part. Right, like, Brendon, when we found the cat it had rabies. So the lesson is that when you search for something, don't find it. 'Cause when you find it, it has rabies.
01x04 - Brendon Gets Rabies Season 1 / Episode 4: - Brendon Gets Rabies

Brendon Small: So wait a minute. You're gonna kill the cat?
Veterinarian: We don't actually call it "killing the cat," Brendon. We call it, uh, "making cotton candy." We whip up a good ol' batch of cotton candy. How 'bout that, Brendon? Do you love cotton candy?
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Paula Small: What were you saying?
Brendon: Can we move the flowers?
Paula Small: Before that.
Brendon: This meatloaf is dry.
Paula Small: Before that.
Brendon: This is *meatloaf*?
Paula Small: Before that.
Brendon: This fish is dry.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Coach McGuirk: This sausage is probably eighteen years old... This sausage could vote. It could go to war and die for its country.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Paula Small: I'm getting a raise!
Brendon: That's great!
Paula Small: Well, I'm going to ask for a raise.
Brendon: Well, that's, um... practically great!
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Coach McGuirk: Life sucks, Brendon. That's your lesson. Go enjoy it.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Melissa Robbins: You had an affair? And now she's trying to kill us? How could you?
Brendon: I'm sorry.
Melissa Robbins: Who is she?
Brendon: Just some woman.
Melissa Robbins: Is it because I'm fat?
Brendon: No... In fact, she's fat too.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Jason: People hate me!
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Coach McGuirk: Brendon there's nothing wrong with lying to women. Or the government. Or parents. Or God.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: Therefore, I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.
Voice in crowd: Tomorrow's Saturday!
Brendon: Okay, noon today.
Voice in crowd: It's 2:30!
Brendon: All right! Uh... 2:31. I shall resign officially at 2:31 today.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: Any questions? Anybody... have any... .uh... requests?
Voice in crowd: Can we get pizza more?
Brendon: "Pizza more"! I have no idea what that means. Next question.
Voice in crowd: Is ketchup a vegetable?
Brendon: Very good question. Ketchup is actually a fruit! It's a magical fruit!
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: All right, uh, so I'll keep it for the first day, Melissa, uh, keeps it for the second day, and Jason will keep it for the third day, and we'll keep doing it like that for... the rest of our lives.
Melissa Robbins: Okay.
Jason: What if, um, one of us gets hit by a car and then it gets mangled?
Brendon: Then you miss your turn.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Dixie Smithley: Excuse me... hi! Hi! I'm Dixie Smithley from Channel 1 News and I wanted to congratulate you kids on your award!
Brendon: Oh!...
Dixie Smithley: I'd love to do a piece on you three kids!
Jason: You mean, um... beat us up?
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Coach McGuirk: I've been all over the world, Brendon, except for Europe. And Asia.
Brendon: Wow.
Coach McGuirk: And South America, I haven't been to there yet.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: Hey, Mitch.
Mitch: Hey, how ya doin'?
Brendon: How's it going?
Mitch: It's goin' goood.
Brendon: Yeah, you look good.
Mitch: Yeah, I put an extra "o" in the "good" 'cause it's so good.
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Jason: You're stupid!
Melissa Robbins: You're stupid!
Jason: You're stupid!
Melissa Robbins: [sighs] What are we arguing about?
Jason: Who is stupider.
Melissa Robbins: No, we need to get a video camera.
Jason: Why don't we build one?
Melissa Robbins: That's stupid.
Jason: You're stupid!
Melissa Robbins: You're stupid!
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: Why aren't you coaching?
Coach McGuirk: I'm letting Drew run the practice. That's what assistant coaches are for, running the practice.
Brendon: Yeah, I guess.
Coach McGuirk: Assistant coaches are also for doing my laundry.
Brendon: You know, the team really seems to like him.
Coach McGuirk: And getting me food...
Brendon: Right.
Coach McGuirk: Buying me lottery tickets...
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Brendon: How's it going?
Coach McGuirk: Well, I just drank pee. How's it going with you?
Unknown Episode Unknown Episode:

Melissa Robbins: You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot!
Jason: Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore.
Melissa Robbins: Then they'll just call you idiot.
Jason: Okay, how about laser surgery?
Melissa Robbins: Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm...
Jason: I don't mind; it will help...
Melissa Robbins: ...Out of your eye!
Jason: Oh my god!


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