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	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Loose Lips And Freudian Slips Gregory: I can't masticate in front of strangers. Tim Taylor: Who can?
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Bewitched Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene? Tim Taylor: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time. Detective Roberts: [writes] "Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch".
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - All In The Family Mark: The Taylors, if their the typical American family, this country's in trouble.
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - All In The Family Jill: [after seeing on movie Brad scratch his body with a fork] Brad that's disgusting. Brad: Wait till you see what I did with the spoon.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Whitewater Heidi: [half asleep] Does anybody know what time it is? Jill: 5:00. Oh, my back. Wilson: [about Al's snoring] I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi, studying the breeding patterns of wart hogs. Tim: Hoooh! Woo-ee! Did I sleep well or what? I got some hot, cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Heidi, Jill, Wilson, Kyle, Al: SHUT UP!
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Whitewater Kyle: You know, Taylor, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Your wife takes the time to plan this great trip for you, and what do you do? You piddle all over it. Tim: Look, it's my party. I'll piddle if I want to.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Whitewater Heidi: If everyone were a tube lizard like you, we'd all be maytagging by now. Tim: Maytagging? Tube lizard? A couple of brochures and you're Popeye all of a sudden? Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive LOUT! Kyle: I can't take it anymore! So much noise I can't hear the voices in my head.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Whitewater Wilson: [singing] Michael row the boat ashore / Hallelujah... Kyle: [singing to the tune of 'Michael Row the Boat Ashore'] Then the feds / They taxed him more / They always SCREWWWWW-ya.
	Season 7 / Episode 24: - Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey Tim Taylor: This is not a good time for me to leave the planet.
	Season 7 / Episode 16: - What a Drag Tim Taylor: You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship? Jill Taylor: And the trust of a family who loves you. Brad Taylor: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.
	Season 7 / Episode 10: - The Dating Game Tim: Excuse me a sec, Al. I gotta go to the little mechanic's room. Al: What? Tim: I gotta change my oil! Al: What? Tim: Flush my coolant! Al: What? Tim: Pee!
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Losing My Religion Tim Taylor: My son has been having a little trouble with your boss. Rev. Mike Webber: The bishop? Tim Taylor: No, THE boss. Rev. Mike Webber: Springsteen? Tim Taylor: HIS boss. Rev. Mike Webber: [finally realizing] Oh...
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Pump You Up Tim: What do we want? Brad: Scholarship. Tim: How are we going to get it? Brad: Hard work. Tim: I can't hear you. Brad: Hard work. Tim: I can't hear you! Brad: Hard work! Tim: I can't hear you. Brad: Hard work! Tim: I heard you!
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Taps Tim: It's nice, but if I'm gonna be sitting on a throne, it's gonna be porcelain, my friend.
	Season 6 / Episode 24: - Taps Heidi: Hey Wilson, I would love to have this antique cheese whipper. Al: That's not fair. I saw it first. I'll give you twice the asking price. Heidi: I'll double that. Wilson: Well, that brings us up to eighty cents. Al: I'm out.
	Season 6 / Episode 17: - Wilson's World Tim: [Wilson crushes a beer can on his head] How do you feel now? Wilson: I hurt.
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - No Place Like Home Jeffrey "Jeff" Taylor: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not bald, I'm just taller than my hair.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Whose Car Is It Anyway? Wilson: I suggest you apologize to everyone you've wronged automotively. Tim: That could take years. Wilson: Then start with Jill. Tim: That could take years.
	Season 6 / Episode 6: - Whose Car Is It Anyway? Tim: I'm addicted to cars. Jill: Well, duh. Tim: I'm thinking of checking into the Henry Ford Clinic.
	Season 5 / Episode 23: - Mr. Wilson's Opus Tim Taylor: I can't believe I'm even saying this, but you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - The Longest Day Randy: [Randy is upset at the thought of having cancer] Why does bad stuff always happen to me? Tim: Hey, don't worry. Bad stuff happens to me all the time. Randy: Yeah but you cause it!
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Fear Of Flying Wilson Wilson, Jr.: I'm not at liberty to say.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. Tim Taylor: Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Tim Taylor: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? Jill Taylor: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. Tim Taylor: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land? Jill Taylor: "Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure. Tim Taylor: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this. Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions. Tim Taylor: [pointing at his crotch] Shave? Here? Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure. Tim Taylor: Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong? Jill Taylor: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward. Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local. Tim Taylor: Local like here in Detroit? Dr. Kaplan: No local like here in your scrotum. Tim Taylor: Oh boy. Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds. Tim Taylor: You think? Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal. Tim Taylor: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement! Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day. Tim Taylor: What? I can't drive? Forget about it. [gets up] Jill Taylor: [gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?" Tim Taylor: [gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it. [opens the door] Jill Taylor: It's just one day! Tim Taylor: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman! [leaves]
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said? Tim Taylor: Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah! Jill Taylor: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it. Tim Taylor: We did - in the car on the way home. Jill Taylor: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another. Tim Taylor: That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather. Jill Taylor: [sarcastic] I'll knit you a little sweater! Tim Taylor: You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there. [turns on the TV] Jill Taylor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! [turns off the TV] I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children ripped from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth? Tim Taylor: Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this? Jill Taylor: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead? Tim Taylor: No. [gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him] Jill Taylor: You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met! Tim Taylor: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers! [gets his jacket] Jill Taylor: Who said anything about you being neutered? Tim Taylor: Certain experts I talked to. Jill Taylor: Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot? Tim Taylor: Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do! [walks out]
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: So what d'you think? Tim Taylor: I think I have more questions. Jill Taylor: Okay, such as what? Tim Taylor: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage? Jill Taylor: I don't think so. Tim Taylor: Could this count as your birthday present? Jill Taylor: Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it. Tim Taylor: And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave? Jill Taylor: [laughs] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah. Tim Taylor: Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Tanks For The Memories Al: Colonel, allowing Tim to drive a tank well that's jeprodizing national security. Lt. Col. McDougal: Would you cut it out Al. Al: Al you've got nothing to worry about, we've got 10,000 marines on the base to keep an eye on Tim. Al: It's not enough.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Tanks For The Memories Tim: Well congratulations, you've just did what most countries couldn't do, you got the Marines to retreat.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Tanks For The Memories Lt. Col. McDougal: Tim if I remember correctly you were such a woss the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you. Tim: Well the Girl Scouts loved me. Tim: What are the odds of me driving a tank again. Lt. Col. McDougal: About the same as Tool Time winning an Emmy.

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