Tim Taylor

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Tim Allen
Timothy Allen Dick was born on June 13, 1953, in Denver, Colorado, USA. His father was Gerald Dick, ...

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Tim Taylor Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 22: - Loose Lips And Freudian Slips Gregory: I can't masticate in front of strangers. Tim Taylor: Who can?
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Bewitched Detective Roberts: You tampered with the crime scene? Tim Taylor: I did not know it was a crime. I did not know it at the time. Detective Roberts: [writes] "Dr. Seuss claims there was a witch".
	Season 7 / Episode 24: - Tool-Thousand-One: A Space Odyssey Tim Taylor: This is not a good time for me to leave the planet.
	Season 7 / Episode 16: - What a Drag Tim Taylor: You've got so much to lose. What about your soccer scholarship? Jill Taylor: And the trust of a family who loves you. Brad Taylor: Yeah, I don't want to lose my soccer scholarship...Or the other thing.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Losing My Religion Tim Taylor: My son has been having a little trouble with your boss. Rev. Mike Webber: The bishop? Tim Taylor: No, THE boss. Rev. Mike Webber: Springsteen? Tim Taylor: HIS boss. Rev. Mike Webber: [finally realizing] Oh...
	Season 5 / Episode 23: - Mr. Wilson's Opus Tim Taylor: I can't believe I'm even saying this, but you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation. Tim Taylor: Says who? The "Wives With Knives" club?
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Tim Taylor: A woman? You brought me here to see a woman? Jill Taylor: I didn't know she was a woman. My gynecologist just said Dr. Kaplan was the best urologist in town. Tim Taylor: How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in man land? Jill Taylor: "Man Land?" Now you've got a theme park between your legs?
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Why don't you tell us what's involved in the procedure. Tim Taylor: Yeah, I'm dying to hear this. Dr. Kaplan: Well, the morning of your appointment you'd have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions. Tim Taylor: [pointing at his crotch] Shave? Here? Dr. Kaplan: It's just a routine procedure. Tim Taylor: Not in my house it's not! What do you think, I wake up in the morning, brush my teeth, comb my hair, and shave Ping and Pong? Jill Taylor: Well, you could go to a barber but it might be a little awkward. Dr. Kaplan: The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local. Tim Taylor: Local like here in Detroit? Dr. Kaplan: No local like here in your scrotum. Tim Taylor: Oh boy. Dr. Kaplan: That does sting for a few seconds. Tim Taylor: You think? Dr. Kaplan: Then I make two small cuts and simply divide and tie up the tubes. The discomfort is really very minimal. Tim Taylor: Yeah, why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement! Dr. Kaplan: You'll be back to normal in a few days. The only restriction at all is that you won't be able to drive home that day. Tim Taylor: What? I can't drive? Forget about it. [gets up] Jill Taylor: [gets up] Now, what do you mean "forget about it?" Tim Taylor: [gets his jacket] Honey, honestly I was really into it up till that point. The driving thing, that iced it. [opens the door] Jill Taylor: It's just one day! Tim Taylor: Look, it's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm, but to separate a man from his car - that's inhuman! [leaves]
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said? Tim Taylor: Yeah, yeah. She wants to take the Zippidy out of my Doo-Dah! Jill Taylor: Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor, but I'd hoped that once we got out of there we could have a rational, reasonable discussion about it. Tim Taylor: We did - in the car on the way home. Jill Taylor: All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another. Tim Taylor: That's not true. I merely said that for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather. Jill Taylor: [sarcastic] I'll knit you a little sweater! Tim Taylor: You heard what she said: shots, shaving. You don't understand about the pain down there. [turns on the TV] Jill Taylor: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! [turns off the TV] I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children ripped from my loins? In what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth? Tim Taylor: Oh boy, here we go. The pain of childbirth. Isn't there a statute of limitations on this? Jill Taylor: Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a complete bonehead? Tim Taylor: No. [gets up and walks around the room. Jill follows him] Jill Taylor: You are totally unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met! Tim Taylor: This is not about accepting responsibility. This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers! [gets his jacket] Jill Taylor: Who said anything about you being neutered? Tim Taylor: Certain experts I talked to. Jill Taylor: Oh, what experts? Harry and Benny? Where'd they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot? Tim Taylor: Well, they may be idiots but they think exactly like I do! [walks out]
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - The Vasectomy One Jill Taylor: So what d'you think? Tim Taylor: I think I have more questions. Jill Taylor: Okay, such as what? Tim Taylor: Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage? Jill Taylor: I don't think so. Tim Taylor: Could this count as your birthday present? Jill Taylor: Absolutely, yeah. For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it. Tim Taylor: And, um, while I'm preparing for this, will you go out a find me very, very mild aftershave? Jill Taylor: [laughs] Yeah, I'll work on that, yeah. Tim Taylor: Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Naked Truth Marty Taylor: I'm off to the job interview; wish me luck. Tim Taylor: You don't need luck; you're a Taylor. Jill Taylor: That's right; you need directions.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Naked Truth Wilson: So you enjoyed seeing Nancy in her birthday suit. Tim Taylor: It was a very happy birthday.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - The Naked Truth Tim Taylor: I don't even remember what she looked like. Jill Taylor: Yeah, right. Tim Taylor: Well, that's my story and I'm sticking with it!
	Season 3 / Episode 22: - Swing Time Tim Taylor: [of the hot tub he'll give to Jill] I think I'll put it over where this swing is. You guys don't use this anymore, do you? Randy Taylor: Yeah, we do. Last week we tied Mark to it.
	Season 3 / Episode 18: - The Eve Of Construction Jimmy Carter: [in a videotaped message] Al and Jill, the house you built is a perfect example of what can happen when good people band together for a common goal. And Tim... well, what can I say? Crews are working around the clock to repair the house you built... Oh, yeah - Rosie would like a picture of Al. Tim Taylor: [disgusted] Let's tape over this.
	Season 2 / Episode 21: - Much Ado About Nana Tim Taylor: I have no opinion.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - May The Best Man Win Tim Taylor: What the hell are you wearing? Al Borland: Mo says sometimes I tend to blend into the background. Tim Taylor: You're supposed to blend into the background!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Heavy Meddle Wilson Wilson, Jr.: You know, Tim, this reminds me of an old Chinese proverb. Tim Taylor: Is that the Peking dialect? Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Well, it might lose something in the translation, but it means "a great lover doesn't need a different woman every night of his life, a great lover needs one woman for the rest of his life." Tim Taylor: Yeah, that's something to think about there.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Heavy Meddle Tim Taylor: You know, Jill, I was just thinking: I don't need a different Chinese woman every night of my life. I just need you for the rest of my life.
	Season 1 / Episode 17: - What About Bob? Jill Taylor: [on the phone] Hi Mrs. Wullitt. He did what? Oh I am so sorry! Yeah, send him over to apologize, it will not happen again. Thanks [Jill hangs up while Randy has crept out of the room, Jill opens the door in fury] RANDALL WILLIAM TAYLOR! Get in here right now I need to talk to you! Tim Taylor: Ooh, middle name. He's in trouble!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - Bubble, Bubble, Toil And Trouble Jill Taylor: They broke the mirror, they put the wrong tiling, we've got a cement... [sees her new whirlpool] Oh wow wow, what's this? Tim Taylor: This is what will make it all worthwhile: Your new whirlpool. Jill Taylor: Oh, Tim, it's so beautiful. Look at the color, it's perfect. Tim Taylor: Not to mention seven adjustable jets, three speeds; low, medium and "who needs a man?"
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Adventures In Fine Dining Tim Taylor: A live chicken? Brad, who the hell do you hang out with? Brad Taylor: Mom. Jill Taylor: What? Brad Taylor: Dad's cussing. Tim Taylor: I'm not cussing. Mark Taylor: He said a bad word. Tim Taylor: It wasn't bad. Randy Taylor: Yeah, he said hell and damn. Tim Taylor: I did not say damn. Randy Taylor: Now you did.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Mow Better Blues Randy Taylor: [referring to himself and Brad] Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen. Tim Taylor: Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: [discussing Jill's upcoming job interview] Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night. Tim Taylor: No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was "NO!" Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: [evil smile] You're thinking of tonight.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Tim Taylor: [Tim wants to go a tool sale at Sears] I'll be back in twenty minutes. Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: Twenty minutes! Who are you kidding? You'll be down there drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that. Tim Taylor: I would if you were two speeds and reversible.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Tim Taylor: This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to. Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: No! You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. [Jill points at the blender] End of discussion. [walks off] Tim Taylor: What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can puree a brick!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: This is great! Now I've gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, grunting like a baboon... Tim Taylor: What does that have to do with it? Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: ...while Miss Binford Tool Girl flashes her big headlights. Tim Taylor: Lisa? Jillian "Jill" Patterson Taylor: [sarcastic] No, Al!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Wilson Wilson, Jr.: Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing. Tim Taylor: [grunting] Oh. Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her! Wilson Wilson, Jr.: No, I think she got mad at you because you blew up the damn dishwasher.
	Unknown Episode: Tim Taylor: "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida." Tim Taylor: In A Gadda Da Vida, baby... Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? Tim Taylor: I just was. In A Gadda Da Vida... Jill Taylor: Who sang "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" so people would want to hear it?

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