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 | Season 3 / Episode 18: - Great Expectations Jason: [Mike wants to go to California to see Melina] But Mike, airfare to California is very expensive. Mike: I know dad, but Carol is lending me the money. Jason: Oh, get outta town! Mike: OK, thanks dad, bye! |
| Season 2 / Episode 17: - Jimmy Durante Died for Your Sins Mike Seaver: [to Carol] Come on you're my sister, I'm supposed to call you ugly. |
| Season 2 / Episode 12: - Higher Education Eddie: Uhh umm uh, what's your dad's name bone ? Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Sylvester. Mike: Wait a minute... Your dad's name is Sylvester Stabone? Richard 'Boner' Stabone: Who knew! |
| Season 2 / Episode 9: - The Kid The Kid: [last scene... calling from a pay phone... she's been crying] Daddy... it's Denise. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - Jason's Rib Carol Seaver: That will never work. Mike Seaver: Sure it will, I saw it on The Cosby Show. Carol Seaver: Mike, that is a television show. This is real life. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 19: - The Anniversary That Never Was Curly (voice on TV): [Maggie is alone in a hotel room watching TV] You can't get on that plane and leave! It's me you love! You know it is! Woman (voice on TV): No, no, Curly. It's Larry. It's always been Larry. Curly (voice on TV): But, all those things you said? Woman (voice on TV): I was mistaken. I'm sorry, Curly, but my place is with Larry. I can't stay here and be your stooge. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - The Seavers vs. the Cleavers Mrs. Hinkley: [sing-song voice] Just because you're here doesn't mean you're chaperones! Maggie Malone Seaver: [same sing-song voice] Just because you're here doesn't mean you're here! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 7: - Weekend Fantasy Ben Seaver: Look, mister - - if you think that machine gun is gonna scare us into buying a set of your lousy encyclopedias, you're mistaken. Encyclopedia Salesman: [in a tone of huffy arrogance] Actually, this is a *SUB*-machine gun. Which is something you would already know - - IF you had bought a set of my encyclopedias! Can anyone tell me what BRAND of gun this is...? No? THOMPSON. This is a THOMPSON submachine gun. You would have known THAT, also... IF your stingy parents has gotten you a set of my encyclopedias! I tried SO HARD to tell them about how important knowledge is to youngsters. But did they listen? Noooo... they couldn't be bothered! They were too busy - - LAUGHing at me! The whole world... LAUGHS at me. Ben Seaver: Why don't you take a job as a comedian? Mike Seaver: [protestingly at Ben, lest he offend the gunman] BEN...! |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Weekend Fantasy Police Officer: [as the policemen are leaving after their third dispatch to the apartment that night] Hey, thanks for keeping things interesting around here, eh? |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Weekend Fantasy Mike Seaver: [reading to his siblings from "Great Expectations", and using a humorously-exaggerated English/British accent] My father's family name being Pirrip, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than PIP! [using the same contrived accent upon hearing the doorbell ring] I'll get it. Ben Seaver: [in a mildy disappointed tone of having his listening interrupted] Aww... and I was just getting into it! |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Weekend Fantasy Ben Seaver: [the anxious parents fantasize that Mike has moved the LP gas grille into the living room to cook hamburgers. Mike, not being familiar with how to operate the grille, has a bit of confusion and uncertainty getting it to power up, but then figures it out. Seconds later, though, there is a tremendous boom, and thick clouds of gray smoke billow out from off-camera. Ben casually turns without batting an eyelash and speaks in a whiny complaining tone, as if exploding household appliances are a common-enough event in his boring home life] Aw, c'mon, Mike - - I wanted mine done RARE! |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Weekend Fantasy Slash: Mike! Long time no see, Buddy! [noticing the other, younger siblings with him, and making a slightly pompous but merely half-hearted show of following the rules of admittance] Yo, you dudes got some I.D.? Mike Seaver: [proudly taking out his parents' clear fanfold of cards and letting it flutter open in a long impressive strip that nearly touched the floor] Here you are, m'man! Slash: [peering at one of Maggie's cards] Hmmmm... age 47? [glances at Carol's smooth youthful features] Looks pretty good to me. [seeing Jason's military I.D., then turning briefly to Ben] 'Nam, huh? Ben Seaver: [confidently playing along] Yup! Slash: How was it? Ben Seaver: It was HELL! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 6: - Mike's Madonna Story Mike: Nothing happened ok mom! She wanted to sleep with me and I didn't do it. I'm probably gay! You happy now!? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 3: - Jealousy Ben: [to Jason about his science project] But you told me to do something that interests me. Mike and Carol interest me more than mold. Jason: That's a touching sentiment, Ben. Now cut it out! Ben: What's with him? Mike: He doesn't like you, he never has. |
| Unknown Episode: Grandpa Ed: Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grandkids, you quack? |
| Unknown Episode: Grandpa Ed: Are you happy now that you've driven out two of my grandkids, you quack? |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Well actually you gave me the idea that I should blow the interview by belching and smelling bad. Mike: Ok. But can you belch? |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Well actually you gave me the idea that I should blow the interview by belching and smelling bad. Mike: Ok. But can you belch? |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Are you sure you're not just after my blank check? Mike: Of course not! What kind of brother do you think I am! [thinking] *Our* blank check. |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Are you sure you're not just after my blank check? Mike: Of course not! What kind of brother do you think I am! [thinking] *Our* blank check. |
| Unknown Episode: Mike: 'Every dog has his day.' Oops, Carol, I think I got yours! Carol: Then I must have yours, 'One day you will meet a handsome man and fall in love with him.'! |
| Unknown Episode: Mike: 'Every dog has his day.' Oops, Carol, I think I got yours! Carol: Then I must have yours, 'One day you will meet a handsome man and fall in love with him.'! |
| Unknown Episode: Jason: My father built this cabin by hand. Mike: Wow! No tools or anything? Cool! |
| Unknown Episode: Jason: My father built this cabin by hand. Mike: Wow! No tools or anything? Cool! |
| Unknown Episode: Stinky: What does RSVP mean? Ben: Don't be an idiot, Stinky, it means Refreshments Served at Vito's Party! |
| Unknown Episode: Stinky: What does RSVP mean? Ben: Don't be an idiot, Stinky, it means Refreshments Served at Vito's Party! |
| Unknown Episode: Vito: 'Stinky Sullivan is a hunk' Who wrote this? Stinky: I did. Wait 'till the girls read it! Vito: Stinky, when will there *ever* be girls in here? Stinky: Duh, when they use the bathroom! |
| Unknown Episode: Vito: 'Stinky Sullivan is a hunk' Who wrote this? Stinky: I did. Wait 'till the girls read it! Vito: Stinky, when will there *ever* be girls in here? Stinky: Duh, when they use the bathroom! |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Jerk. Mike: Geek. |
| Unknown Episode: Carol: Jerk. Mike: Geek. |
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