Green Acres Quotes

Green Acres

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Economy Flight to Washington Eustace Charleton Haney: While yer away on yer trip, ah thought you might like ta avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service. Oliver Douglas: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE?!! Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Old Mail Day Oliver Wendell Douglas: This so-called post office is a farce.
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - Kimball Gets Fired Lisa Douglas: [Lisa is pushing a vacuum cleaner around the front room of the house] Would you put your foot up... your foots up? Put your feets up. Oliver Douglas: What's the matter with the vacuum? Lisa Douglas: Nothing. Oliver Douglas: It's not making any noise. Lisa Douglas: Well it only makes a noise when it's plugged in. Oliver Douglas: Well if it's not plugged in, it's not going to pick up the dirt. Lisa Douglas: There isn't any dirt. Oliver Douglas: Well then why are you vacuuming? Lisa Douglas: I am not! It's not plugged in!
	Season 2 / Episode 26: - Getting Even With Haney Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, you sold me a defective tractor! Eustace Charleton Haney: No sir. It is not a defective. Eb Dawson: Right. A Defective has bigger wheels in the front.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - Water, Water Everywhere Lisa Douglas: In the old country, they don't look for water with a stick. They do it scientifically. Oliver Douglas: Oh? Lisa Douglas: They put a goldfish in a shoe, and then they throw the shoe out the window. Oliver Douglas: That's scientific? Lisa Douglas: Of course! And then the goldfish swims upstream until it finds the water. Oliver Douglas: Mm hmm. Now... uh... how does he swim upstream if there's no water? Lisa Douglas: His friends help him.
	Season 1 / Episode 31: - Culture Sir Geoffrey: [Conducting the Hooterville Symphony Orchestra] All right now, let's play. Sir Geoffrey: [the band plays a crawling version of "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight"] Hold it, hold it! Would you mind telling me what you were playing? Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, what was you conductin'? Sir Geoffrey: Brahm's Lullaby. Eustace Charleton Haney: Then that's what we was playin.' Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] You should've taken the train, like I told you. Sir Geoffrey: Can anyone here read music? Ralph Monroe: Oh, I can. Sir Geoffrey: Well, would you mind humming it for the others? Ralph Monroe: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah, la-da-dah, dah... Sir Geoffrey: Now, let's all hum it together. Band members: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah... Sir Geoffrey: Capital, capital! Now, let's all play that.
	Season 1 / Episode 16: - Give Me Land, Lots Of Land Oliver Douglas: Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat. Eb Dawson: Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that.
	Unknown Episode: Sam Drucker: How 'bout a dehydrated chicken? Oliver Douglas: A dehydrated chicken? Sam Drucker: Yeah. Just add water and bones, and let it sit for a couple hours, and you might have your own reconstituted chicken. Oliver Douglas: That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
	Unknown Episode: Sam Drucker: Call the sheriff. Hank Kimball: OK. Sheriff. Sam Drucker: No. On the phone.
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Wendell Douglass: Gentlemen, I'm surprised at you. The American farmer didn't get where he is today by celebrating Christmas with phony trees and wax popcorn, plastic candy canes. Gentlemen, to the American farmer Christmas is real. He goes out with ax in hand, chops down his own tree, brings it back, garlands it with strings of popcorn from his own corn crib, makes cider from his own apple trees. And when Christmas carols ring out in the still of the night, he looks up to the sky and says, 'I'm proud to be an American farmer on Christmas.'
	Unknown Episode: Doris Ziffel: Mrs. Douglas came over here this afternoon and wanted to know how to make a fruitcake. And it's been so long since I made one, I had to look up the recipe. Fred Ziffel: Is she gonna make a fruitcake for Mr. Douglas? Doris Ziffel: She sure is. Fred Ziffel: Doris, that could make you an accessory to manslaughter.
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Wendell Douglass: There's something wrong with the carburetor. Eb Dawson: Yeah, it needs a new tractor on it!
	Unknown Episode: Mr. Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. Did you know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?
	Unknown Episode: Lisa Douglas: Why do you want to irritate your corn? Oliver Douglas: Irrigate. It means put water on it. Lisa Douglas: Won't that irritate it?
	Unknown Episode: Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready? Lisa Douglas: Yes. Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with. Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning. Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes? Lisa Douglas: I've made something different. Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful! Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it. Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes. Lisa Douglas: Here we are. [Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet] Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps. Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I cook you a Spanish omelette.
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Douglas: Why don't we give away this one? Lisa Douglas: No that's the dress I graduated from high school in. Oliver Douglas: How about this one? Lisa Douglas: That's the dress I wore the first day of college. Oliver Douglas: [holding a black, low-cut dress] What about this one? Lisa Douglas: That's the one I got expelled in.
	Unknown Episode: Lisa Douglas: Are you happy with the corns I strung for you? Oliver Douglas: Lisa, you're supposed to take the kernels off the cob and string them. Lisa Douglas: Well, don't blame me, I never did it before. In the old country, we used to string caviar. Oliver Douglas: Caviar? Lisa Douglas: We'd have caviar on one string and crackers on the other... Oliver Douglas: Oh, for... Lisa Douglas: And then we'd play the Hungarian Christmas game called 'Smear the crackers with caviar.'
	Unknown Episode: Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe! Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Douglas: You mallet head!
	Unknown Episode: Lisa Douglas: When you married me you knew that I couldn't cook, I couldn't sew, and I couldn't keep house. All I could do was talk Hungarian and do imitations of Zsa Zsa Gabor. Oliver Douglas: Who?
	Unknown Episode: Lisa Douglas: Could you keep it a secret from my husband? You see, I want to surprise him. Ralph Monroe: My lips are sealed. Hank Kimball: Now if we could only keep them that way. Ralph Monroe: If you weren't so sexy, I'd beat your brains out!
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Douglas: But he couldn't be dead. Fred Ziffel: Oh, yes he could, I personally attended his funeral. Oliver Douglas: Are you sure? Fred Ziffel: I don't know what you do in New York, but around here we don't give a man a funeral unless we're pretty sure he needs one.
	Unknown Episode: Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to hawk some worthless ceramic figurines off and claiming they're valuable] These are gen-yew-wine Siamese Catfish. Oliver Wendell Douglass: SIAMESE CATFISH? Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, they're still in the pussy stage.
	Unknown Episode: Eustace Charleton Haney: [as he and Mr. Ziffel are going into Oliver's house] Make sure you wipe yer feet. Fred Ziffel: You don't ever wipe YOUR feet! Eustace Charleton Haney: That's 'cause I don't own a pig farm.
	Unknown Episode: Eustace Charleton Haney: [after learning Oliver and Lisa are going to be out of town for a few days] While yer away on yer trip, I thought you might like to avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service. Oliver Wendell Douglass: HANEY'S FARM MINDING SERVICE? Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.
	Unknown Episode: Oliver Wendell Douglass: [after watching a "conversation" between Lisa and an oinking Arnold] How can you carry on a conversation with him? I can't understand a thing he's saying! Lisa Douglas: That's because you don't LISTEN!
	Unknown Episode: TV Kiddie Show Host: Sure, I remember that kid, he had on the most realistic looking pig costume I've ever seen. He won first prize! Oliver Douglas: No, you don't understand, Arnold is a REAL PIG! TV Kiddie Show Host: I'll say he is! We had five gallons of ice cream for those kids, and he ate every bit of it himself!
	Unknown Episode: Eb Dawson: What do you do for a livin'? Mort Warner: I write for Newsweek. Eb Dawson: I write for Newsweek too, but they never send it.

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