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 | Season 6 / Episode 9: - Flash Bang Wallop Gary Sparrow: Can you please read a little more quietly - you're drowning out John Motson. Yvonne Sparrow: Well I'm sorry, Gary, but I think this is a little more important that the fate of Arsenal Football Club. Gary Sparrow: More important that the Arsenal! I didn't realize there was a meteor on collision course with the earth. |
| Season 6 / Episode 9: - Flash Bang Wallop Ron Wheatcroft: That *will* be hard to explain when Yvonne sees it. Gary Sparrow: Lipstick on your collar is hard to explain. Calling out another woman's name in bed is hard to explain. Appearing in a photograph taken two decades before you were born is the Twilight Zone. |
| Season 6 / Episode 9: - Flash Bang Wallop Ron Wheatcroft: [reads from book] "Chapter 12 - Prowling the Urban Jungle" Gary Sparrow: You're going on the pull in the Bronx? Ron Wheatcroft: No, Safeways? Gary Sparrow: Safeways is the urban jungle? Ron Wheatcroft: According to this book, supermarkets are the number one place to meet unattached women under forty. They're better than singles bars. Plus you can pick up a loaf. Gary Sparrow: Sound very romantic. "Where did you meet?" "Oh, at the cheese counter. Our eyes met across an ageing Gorgonzola and within a few minutes we'd exchanged loyalty card numbers." |
 | Season 6 / Episode 7: - How I Won the War Rock Justice: Do something! Gary Sparrow: What do you suggest? What did you do in that film? Rock Justice: Shot a battalion of Germans, overturned a tank, sank a battleship... oh, and captured Rommel. Gary Sparrow: [sarcastically] Well I'll only be gone ten minutes, then! |
 | Season 6 / Episode 4: - Grief Encounter Yvonne Sparrow: If there *is* anyone else, just tell me. Let's get it out in the open. There's be lots of hard feelings and that'll be that. Gary Sparrow: Look, Yvonne, I promise you there is nobody else on this whole planet for me - except you. Yvonne Sparrow: Oh great! You mean you're screwing an alien! |
 | Season 5 / Episode 3: - When Two Worlds Collide Phoebe Sparrow: Could a bang on the head make him, you know, bright? Gary Sparrow: That big a miracle would make this place more popular than Lourdes. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 2: - London Pride Phoebe Sparrow: You can stick your haunch, right up your 'ARRIS! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Bells Are Ringing Gary: The great British breakfast. Care to join me? Yvonne: Gary, do you know how many calories are in that? Gary: Yes! Well, I don't know how you can eat that stuff. Yvonne: Because it's full of goodness. Gary: It's full of sawdust by the look of it. Yvonne: [pouring a thick green liquid] Drink this. Gary: What, and turn into Mr Hyde! No thank you. Yvonne: Go on, drink it. Gary: Give me one good reason. Yvonne: Because it's got extract of royal jelly, guarana, ginseng, pine bark, concho, enzyme Q-10, and a base of aloe vera. Gary: Yeah, give me one good reason. |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Bells Are Ringing Yvonne: What we gonna do, Ron? Ron: Yvonne, I'll tell you what we're going to do. Yvonne: What? Ron: We're going to have another drink. Yvonne: Drink isn't the answer; it's just a short-term solution. Ron: Agreed! But as far as short-term solutions go, it's up there with the best of them. |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Bells Are Ringing Phoebe: How do we know what's going to happen in the future? Gary: The future's going to be great. Phoebe: How do you know the future's going to be great? Gary: Phoebe, I know everything. |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - The Bells Are Ringing Gary: Do you want to see my sponge? Reg: Oh, that'd be lovely. Is it jam or chocolate? Reg: Wough, don't look very appetizing. Was that your first go at baking? |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Careless Talk Phoebe: Gary, I don't want to be a nag, but you go out that door and I've no idea when you'll be back. Gary: Look, I'll try and pop back tonight, I promise. Phoebe: We're married now; you got responsibilities. Gary: Phoebe, being a spy isn't a nine to five job, you know.I can hardly turn to M halfway through a mission and say, "I'm sorry, sir, it's five o'clock; I've got to go home for my tea now." Phoebe: Yeah, I'll bet when you do get hungry that Miss Moneypenny's always got something hot for you. Gary: There is nothing between me and Moneypenny. OK, I admit she has got a bit of a thing for me. Well, there's this trick I do, you know: I throw my hat onto a hook, and she laughs, but she understands I'm strictly out of bounds. |
| Season 4 / Episode 10: - Careless Talk Yvonne: Why don't you get a mobile? Gary: Huh? Yvonne: Well, I could ring you whenever I wanted then. Gary: I don't like them. No, they, they reckon they give out radiation; you know, very bad for your head. Yvonne: Rubbish! Gary: Uh, I've seen the research. Yvonne: Where? Gary: In... newspapers. Look, why are we having this conversation? Yvonne: Well, you started it. Anyway, I haven't got time; I've got to go. Gary: Oh, right. Yvonne: Bye. [kisses him] Gary: Bye. [she leaves] Whew! [slaps his own wrist] See what happens when you start getting cocky. |
| Season 4 / Episode 10: - Careless Talk Phoebe: [looking at the price of a cot] Bleedin' 'ell - you could buy a car for that! Shop Assistant: [patronisingly] I wonder, is Madam quite sure she has sufficient wherewithal for this particular item? Phoebe: Beg your pardon? Shop Assistant: It's very expensive. May I suggest that Madam would be more at home with the seconds in our remainders department. Gary: [cockney accent] 'Scuse me, Guv. Can I 'ave a word in your shell-like? You see, me and the trouble-and-strife, we've come up West on the chara to get a few bits and pieces for our new saucepan-lid, right? But if you continue to give my ball-and-chain grief, we're gonna 'ave to get on our plates-of-meat and take our business up the frog-and-toad. No skin off my wotsit. Currant bun's out - it's a lovely day for a ball-of-chalk. Shop Assistant: I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. Gary: [posh accent] Then let me use a language I'm sure you *will* understand. Gary: I am prepared to spend obscene amounts of this - but only if my good lady is fawned over, grovelled at and generally made to feel like the lady she is. Gary: Petrol coupons. Am I making myself clear now? Shop Assistant: Perfectly, sir. Shop Assistant: [obsequiously, to Phoebe] Madam, allow me to apologise for the earlier misunderstanding. Please be assured I am your disposal just as long as you need me. Now if Madam would be so kind as to tell me what she's looking for, I will have the items brought over immediately for your perusal. Gary: [handing him some more coupons] Nice touch. Meat and sugar coupons. This will all have to stop when al Fayed takes over, you know. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 9: - Heartaches Phoebe: Good night, Mr Sparrow. Gary: Good night, sweetheart. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 8: - Come Fly with Me Gary Sparrow: The Few. That's who we are, mate. We are the Few. And I'll tell you something... Gary Sparrow: There's *thousands* of us! |
| Season 4 / Episode 8: - Come Fly with Me Ron: Two wives. Oh, no no no no, I don't think so. Gary: Well, it does have its compensations, you know. All right, not just at the moment, perhaps. Ron: You mean sex. Nah. Married sex: bit like a job of work, isn't it? Sign in, check your tools, do your shift, watch the clock. No thank you. When it comes to sex, I am happy to be freelance. Gary: You don't mean freelance; you mean self-employed. |
| Season 4 / Episode 8: - Come Fly with Me Yvonne: Time to get up, Gary; haven't you got to get to the shop? I have had the best sleep of my life. You may sneer; holistic therapy is the way forward. A new start, just what we need, like, like being married for the first time. Gary! Gary! I've got to go; I'm seeing two masseurs and a man with wooden balls. You're out for the count, aren't you? You've been so tired lately. [picks up the alarm clock] Let's switch this off, shall we. Let you sleep. It's not as if you've got anything special on today. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 7: - Easy Living Gary: So. This is dockside living, eh. This is a skinner's yard, you know. Skins and pelts used to be stored in here. Ron: No, Gray. Fruit. It is called Citrus Wharf. Gary: Ron, I came here in 1941. There were ropy old skins hanging everywhere, and there's a big pile of carcasses down that end. Ron: No, Gary. Oranges and lemons, Gary. This place has had oranges and lemons in it since it was built. Nell Gwynne had a discount card here; the estate agent told me. |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Easy Living Yvonne: I just have to find another way to live, Gary; another way to love. And no, I don't mean on the kitchen table dressed up in a nurse's uniform. Gary: Aw, shame. I was looking for a spot of therapy myself. Yvonne: I'll sort you out when I've sorted meself out. Gary: Promise? |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Easy Living Gary: Women! They just do your head in, don't they? They must learn it at school. Yeah, it's domestic science, isn't it? How to poach an egg and how to scramble a bloke's brains. |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Easy Living Yvonne: [to Gary] Give me one good reason why I shouldn't strangle you! Gary: Um... Ron: It's illegal. It's a lot harder than it looks on the telly and it takes longer. |
| Season 4 / Episode 7: - Easy Living Gary: This is a wartime wedding, Phoebe, so I want our best man to be important, well, symbolic even. So, it's not going to be any old friend or workmate for us, Phoebe. Oh, no, better than that: it will be a soldier, or a sailor, or an airman. Phoebe, we will have the best best man of all: a British fighting man. Reg: Bravo, Gary. Bravo. Phoebe: Oh, I see. Wonderful. I'll be standing at the altar, and you'll be out on the street trying to pick up a sailor. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Gary: Yes, of course I still miss you. Of course I haven't sought solace in the arms of another woman. Gary: No, Ron has not led me astray, I promise you. In fact I've hardly seen him the last few days since he moved out. Ron: [yells] Yes! Gary: No, of course I can't wait to see you. Gary: Yeah, all right. Yeah, I love you too. Gary: What? Gary: So does Nobby Nobbit. Yes. [hangs up] |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Gary: I did say if you didn't want to... Yvonne: You should have been a man. You should have put your foot down. Gary: Yvonne, whenever I put my foot down, you just kick me in the shin. |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Gary: So, how was your day? Ron: Oh, fine. Gary: Hey, did your surrogate turn up? Ron: Not exactly. Gary: Huh. Hard luck. Ron: Not exactly. Well, Yvonne's mum swept in here like Desert Storm, claiming to know all about me even though I'd never met the woman before in my life, so when she headed off to the bedroom there was quite understandably what you might call a slight case of crossed wires. Gary: Ron, you didn't think that... Ron: It was an easy mistake! You'd never believe she was fifty-one, would you? You can hardly see the liposuction scars. Gary: Ron, you didn't! Not with Yvonne's mu... Ron: Gentlemen may kiss but never tell. I tell you what, though, young Gary, you'd better start treating me with some respect, because if I play my cards right I could be your father-in-law. |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Helen: Are you going to keep her here overnight? Dr. Obote: I'd like to. You are private, aren't you, Mrs Sparrow? [Yvonne nods] Then I think she should stay in for at least another 48 hours. Gary: That's terrible! Do you mean if she was NHS you'd give her two aspirin and send her home in an ambulance? Dr. Obote: [chuckles] Ambulance! [shakes his head] Minicab, |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Gary: World War II just seems so much more tranquil than the present day. |
| Season 4 / Episode 6: - How Long Has This Been Going On? Gary: Has anyone ever told you you're a sad bastard? Ron: Stella. You. Yvonne. Stella's mum. And that girl from the Kentucky Fried Chicken with the ring through her nose. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Leaving of Liverpool Landlord: [after Gary Sparrow sings "Penny Lane" in wartime Liverpool] I should stick to writing songs about London if I were you, pal. Phoebe: It's your piano. It's out of tune Landlord: Call that song-writing! He's got a one-year-old at home that could write better songs than that. Isn't that right, Mr Lennon? |
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