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Sue Sylvester Quotes
 | Season 4 / Episode 2: - Britney 2.0 Sue Sylvester: [to Brittany] I hold in my hand the most recent algebra test of one Becky Jackson. Our plucky little Ewok waddled her way to a respectable C plus. Your performance on the very same exam unearthed the hitherto undiscovered grade: F minus.You answered every question with 'See Other Side,' where you composed an elaborate crayon-scape entitled Happyville: The Town Where Math Was Never Invented. |
| Season 4 / Episode 2: - Britney 2.0 Sue Sylvester: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel. Brittany Pierce: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 1: - The New Rachel Sue Sylvester: Kitty is my new head bitch. Sue: She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - The New Rachel Sue Sylvester: Porcelain, this is my daughter Robin. I've loved the name ever since I was a little girl. It recalls hope, and springtime, and my favorite dead Bee Gee. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - The New Rachel Sue Sylvester: I need you to change Robin's diaper and then sing her a lullaby. Preferably something not yet butchered by the glee club. Good luck finding one. |
| Season 4 / Episode 1: - The New Rachel Sue Sylvester: I'm actually very proud of you, twinkle tush. You're a real trailblazer. You know, it used to be that just straight ex-football players would lurk the halls of high schools after graduation. But you've proven that gay, ex-show choir champs can also be depressive sad sacks desperately clinging to the past. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Pot O' Gold Sue Sylvester: I heard. And I am literally horny with fear. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 17: - A Night of Neglect Sue Sylvester: Sandy, how is it that you manage to sneak into this school without setting off all of the fire alarms? |
 | Season 2 / Episode 13: - Comeback Sue Sylvester: [after Sam is finished singing] We gotta get that girl on the cheerios. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 5: - The Rocky Horror Glee Show Sue Sylvester: Becky, that is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen. Becky Jackson: [Dressed up as Sue] Thanks, Coach. Sue Sylvester: There's only one thing missing. Sue Sylvester: Go scream at some fatties. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 2: - Britney/Brittany Sue Sylvester: You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks. Will Schuester: Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened. Sue Sylvester: You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 1: - Audition Will Schuester: [in Sue's office] Wait... Are you serious? Finn? Sue Sylvester: My eyes are still burning. Finn Hudson: [in the gym] I'm Finn Hudson and I'd like to audition for the Cheerios. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 22: - Journey Sue Sylvester: I'm having a really difficult time hearing anything you have to say today because your hair looks like a brier patch. I keep expecting racist animated Disney characters to pop up and start singing songs about living on the bayou! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 21: - Funk Sue Sylvester: [after Will smashes her trophy] You know, for me, trophies are like herpes. You try to get rid of them, but they keep coming. You know why? Sue Sylvester has hourly flare-ups of burning, itchy, highly contagious talent. |
| Season 1 / Episode 21: - Funk Sue Sylvester: [journaling about having feelings for Will] True love always springs from true hate. I'll admit, in the past I've fantasized about waking up with Will's head on the pillow next to me, except now I picture it attached to the rest of his body. |
| Season 1 / Episode 21: - Funk Will Schuester: [defending Puck and Finn] It's a harmless prank. Sue Sylvester: That's what they said about a young man in Chicago in 1871, who thought he'd play a harmless prank on a dairy cow of one Mrs. O'Leary. He successfully ignited its flatulence and the city burned, William. That young terrorist went on to become the first gay president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 19: - Dream On Sue Sylvester: [to Will and Bryan] I came over here to congratulate you on your new role. Local director Herb Duncan does the dry clean for the cheerios, and he let slip that you just landed the lead role in Les Mis! [Will looks overwhelmed, and Bryan lets go of his smile] Congratulations. I'm ecstatic! And the good news just keep coming, because you got a part too, Bryan. The exciting role of Townsperson. You got a line too. Right back here in the second act, you get to say... 'Hooray!' Congratulations to both of you, I can't wait for opening night! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 18: - Laryngitis Sue Sylvester: [to Kurt] So you like show tunes. It doesn't mean you're gay. It means you're awful. |
| Season 1 / Episode 18: - Laryngitis Sue Sylvester: You know, there's only one person in the world who can tell you what you are. Kurt Hummel: [smiling] Me. Sue Sylvester: No. Me. Sue Sylvester. And she hasn't quite made up her mind about you. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 16: - Home Sue Sylvester: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: [while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping! |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: You think this is hard? I'm passing a gallstone as we speak! *That's* hard! |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: ...and, Wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair. Will Schuester: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee! [walking away] Oh, snap! |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: [Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair. Will Schuester: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed. Sue Sylvester: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous. Will Schuester: [undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue. |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There I said it. |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first. |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am. |
| Season 1 / Episode 15: - The Power of Madonna Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me? Emma Pillsbury: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down. Sue Sylvester: No. Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office. Sue Sylvester: Well it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 14: - Hell-O Sue Sylvester: [to Santana and Brittany] Ladies, I misjudged you. You may be the two stupidest teens I've ever encountered. And that's saying something. I once taught a cheerleading seminar to a young Sarah Palin. |
| Season 1 / Episode 14: - Hell-O Sue Sylvester: Bringing down this club may be easier than I thought. I am engorged with venom and triumph. |
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