Get Smart (1965) Quotes
 | Season 4 / Episode 18: - Absorbe the Greek Maxwell Smart: What are you doing? Dr. Simon: Exorcising. I've gotta keep in shape. You know what they say: a healthy body makes a healthy mind. Maxwell Smart: You must have some mind. |
| Season 4 / Episode 18: - Absorbe the Greek Maxwell Smart: 99, how can you worry about a ring at a time like this? We've got less than two hours before that missile center is gonna blow up. And not only do we not know how it's going to be done, we don't even know who is gonna do it. Agent 99: We know when. Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, knowing when isn't gonna tell us who or how. I'd gladly trade my when for a who and a how. Agent 99: Why? Maxwell Smart: Eh... Why. Yeah, a good question, 99. Well, you see, if we know who, then we can watch how who did it, and then that will give us our who, our how, and our when. Agent 99: That makes sense. Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, that's what worries me. |
| Season 4 / Episode 18: - Absorbe the Greek Maxwell Smart: Of course! The old mortar in the rocks in the 14th hole trick. |
| Season 4 / Episode 18: - Absorbe the Greek Agent 99: [during golf cart chase] Faster, Max, faster! Maxwell Smart: I can't go any faster, 99, I got it up to 8 miles an hour now! |
| Season 4 / Episode 17: - I Shot 86 Today Maxwell Smart: [looking at a photograph] So this is the little devil that cost Conrad Palmeter his life. Agent 99: The millionaire art director? Did he own the Tequila Mockingbird? Maxwell Smart: Several times. When he was 30, he bought it from a Hindu sailer in the city of Tequila, Mexico. Then 10 years later it was stolen by a Chinese accountant. At the age of 52 Permetta was able to buy it back at an auction in Beirut. Then 10 years later it mysteriously disappeared again. He spend the next 50 years searching for it. Agent 99: You said the Mockingbird cost him his life, Max. How did he die? Maxwell Smart: Old age. |
| Season 4 / Episode 17: - I Shot 86 Today Chief: Cash in that train ticket I gave you. Maxwell Smart: What train ticket? Chief: Didn't I give you a train ticket to Dakoma? Maxwell Smart: you gave me a tramway ticket to Tahachame. Chief: [interrupting] Now stop it, right there, I don't wanna get involved in any of those tongue twisters with you, Max, the last time I did it, I couldn't talk for two days. |
| Season 4 / Episode 17: - I Shot 86 Today Maxwell Smart: Yes sir, the one thing you never wanna do is to pull a horses tooth when he's standing up. |
| Season 4 / Episode 17: - I Shot 86 Today Dietrick: [Max has just thrown a glass of tequila in his own face] You forgot to open your mouth, doctor. Maxwell Smart: Ah yes, I, I did that deliberately, you see, I decided that I had had enough. |
| Season 4 / Episode 17: - I Shot 86 Today Valdez: There she is, Senor Dietrick: the Tequila Mockingbird. Dietrick: Beautiful! Beautiful! Superb... Dietrick: Si, magnifico! Maxwell Smart: Not bad. |
| Season 4 / Episode 16: - Tequila Mockingbird Maxwell Smart: [99 is lying on a conveyor belt tied to a surfboard] 99, this is no time to go surfing. |
| Season 4 / Episode 16: - Tequila Mockingbird Sonja: Well, I see you last worked as an airline stewardess. 99: That's right. Sonja: Oh, what was your reason for leaving? 99: I got married. Sonja: Oh. Oh, and the airlines wouldn't let you fly any more? 99: No, my husband wouldn't. He's an airplaine mechanic. |
| Season 4 / Episode 16: - Tequila Mockingbird Maxwell Smart: Ok Chief, you can count on me. I'll be up first thing in the morning and I'll check out every topless retaurant in town. Chief: Max, KAOS wouldn't hide guns in a topless restaurant. Maxwell Smart: They wouldn't? Chief: No. Maxwell Smart: Well where would they store them? Chief: I don't know. Maxwell Smart: Oh, well in that case, I'll check the topless restaurants. |
| Season 4 / Episode 16: - Tequila Mockingbird Chief: [holding up a double pistol] Do you know what this is is? Maxwell Smart: Sure, it's a twelve shooter. Chief: Max, this is KAOS' secret weapon. It's a stereophonic pistol. Maxwell Smart: [grabs the pistol] A stereophonic pistol? That's fantastic, Chief. You mean you can shoot a bullet from this barrel, and you can shoot a bullet from this barrel and if you stand in between, it's just like being there in person. Chief: Something like that. |
| Season 4 / Episode 16: - Tequila Mockingbird Chief: Over budget or no over budget, I can't afford to lay off 5 agents. There must be some mistake. Larabee: Sorry Chief, but you know this computer, it doesn't make mistakes. Chief: Oh, then why did it pick Egypt over Israel in the six day war? Larabee: Who didn't? |
| Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Day They Raided the Knights Victor Polo: The irony of this is exhilerating. Whoever would have thought we'd run into a situation like this. A Control agent will be delivering KAOS information tonight. |
| Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Day They Raided the Knights Maxwell Smart: [on phone] Well, look for me in the third act. That's where I do my big scene. I get killed. Chief: I'll be looking forward to it. |
| Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Day They Raided the Knights Victor Polo: Mister who? Maxwell Smart: Laurence Hollywood. You're probably more familiar with my father, who was one of the greatest actors the world, [louder] the world has ever known. Victor Polo: I don't think so, what was his name? Maxwell Smart: Huh? Victor Polo: What was his name? Maxwell Smart: Eh, Jason Hollywood. Victor Polo: Never heard of him. Maxwell Smart: Oh. Well, you probably remember my mother. Carl Shirtsinger: What was her name? Maxwell Smart: Leonor O'Vine. I'm sure you're more familar with the work they did as a team. Victor Polo: I'm sorry, we've never heard of either one of them. Maxwell Smart: You've never heard of Hollywood and Vine? |
| Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Day They Raided the Knights #99: [reading the part of Lady Fanny] I wish I could do something with my hair. Maxwell Smart: [reading the part of the butler] I beg your pardon, smiles and bows. |
| Season 4 / Episode 15: - The Day They Raided the Knights Chief: It's KAOS confetti. This is how they contacted their agents. Maxwell Smart: I don't understand. Chief: Well, whenever KAOS wanted to contact their agents in a different city, they'd hold a parade. Now the agents would pick up the confetti from the street and the color of the confetti determined their instructions. Chief: How? Chief: Green confetti meant that they were supposed to go ahead with the proposed plan. Red confetti meant stop instantly. Maxwell Smart: Well that's fantastic, Chief. How did you ever find that out? Chief: Well, they also used white confetti. That meant 'Danger, leave the country immediately'. Fortunately for us during their last parade it snowed. Maxwell Smart: And they all left the country? Chief: No, they all went to Miami. |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - One Nation Invisible Maxwell Smart: This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas. 99: What about fish? Maxwell Smart: There's no fish up there either. |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - One Nation Invisible Maxwell Smart: 99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp. 99: Now Max, that's very hard to believe. Maxwell Smart: Would you believe it if I took out the limp? |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - One Nation Invisible Maxwell Smart: What is it, Max? 99: Well, either it's the biggest magnet in the world or it's the biggest horsshoe in the world. And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse. |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - One Nation Invisible 99: Max, it's Siegfried and Shtarker! Siegfried: Well it isn't Robinson Crusoe and Friday, cookie. |
| Season 4 / Episode 13: - One Nation Invisible 99: [stuck in synthetic sand] Oh, we're never gonna get out of here alive, Max. Maxwell Smart: I know it, 99, I just wish Bannister were here. 99: Who's Bannister? Chief: Control's top agent. 99: Why do you wish he were was here, Max? Maxwell Smart: I don't like him. |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - Schwartz's Island 99: [Max has booked a trip to the Caribbean on a banana boat] A banana boat, is that safe? Maxwell Smart: Well, this boat has an excellent safety record, 99. In 40 years it's only had one mishap. That's when it collided with a freighter carrying cornflakes. 99: But that's terrible! Maxwell Smart: Not really, fortunately a sugar boat came along. |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - Schwartz's Island Maxwell Smart: I don't understand it, Chief, I thought that joining the naval reserve was part of our cover as spies, I never dreamed that they'd call us up for active duty. Chief: Well that's because they don't know we're spies. Control is such a super secret organization that even the army and navy don't know we excist. Maxwell Smart: Well I still don't think it's fair, I mean after all, they never draft the CIA. Chief: Well that's because the CIA isn't a secret organization. It's supposed to be, but it's not. |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - Schwartz's Island Chief: José Vargas is going to be in Washington this week. He'll only be here two days and I wanted to be here to see him. Maxwell Smart: Well I hardly think that a Spanish flamenco dancer is more important than my honeymoon. Chief: Max, José Vargas is a member of the Spanish Secret Service. Maxwell Smart: Oh that José Vargas, well he's a member of the S.S.S. Chief: The S.S.S., S.S.S. Maxwell Smart: The S.S.S., S.S.S., S.S.S? Chief: The Spanish Secret Service Strategic Security Staff. Maxwell Smart: Of course. The Spanish Securita Saff, seeve, secret service, secret Spanish staff, the - he's one of those Spanish spies, Chief. The fellow with the little mustache and the big Chihuahua. Chief: No Max, the little Chihuahua. Big mustache. Maxwell Smart: His little Chihuahua has a big mustache? |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - Schwartz's Island 99: Oh, Max, I'll miss you so much, I'll write to you every day. Maxwell Smart: I'll write to you twice a day, 99. 99: That'll be an awful lot of letters, Max. Maxwell Smart: Yes, well, we can save them and read them on our honeymoon. It will give us something to do. |
| Season 4 / Episode 12: - Schwartz's Island Chief: I suffer from acrophobia. Maxwell Smart: Oh. Fear of acrobats? Chief: No, fear of high places. |
| Season 4 / Episode 11: - Temporarily Out of CONTROL Naomi Farkas: I can't get over how many locks you have on your door. 99: Oh well, Max leaves me alone a lot and he likes to think that I'm safe. Naomi Farkas: Oh well, you're lucky to have a husband who cares. When Emil goes out, he leaves the key on top of the mat. |
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