Flight of the Conchords - Episode Quotes

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Flight of the Conchords Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Wingmen Dave: Women like three things: Men in kilts, Southern Comfort, and Chris Isaac's 'Wicked Game'.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Unnatural Love Bret: [talking about Jemaine sleeping with an Australian] Did you use protection? Jemaine: Yes... but only on my penis.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - A Good Opportunity Martin Clark: This could make you so rich you'll be shitting money. Caitlin Goodman: Literally, if you wanted.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Actor Dave: I think you gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know it's always the best policy, like the other day there was five, well maybe it was like four, really hot foreign chicks. They were like Swedish or Korean in my shop and they were like "Dave, we want to have a five way with you". And I just told them "Honestly? Ok". And then I just gave it to them hard, and that's the best way to go. Then after that they're like "Dave, will you marry us?" and I was like "Excuse me, but I don't think monogamy is legal in this country, I dunno where you're from". You gotta try honesty, it works the best.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Actor Ben: Oh, thats great! I love New Zealand! That's good information to find out. Like Lord of the Rings....Frodo...The Ring! Well, don't let me bore you with my knowledge of New Zealand.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Actor Murray: New Zealand consulate, Murray Hewitt speaking.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Actor Jemaine: We need to get bigger audiences. Murray: I know. I thought this one would be big. What am I doing wrong? Jemaine: Maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Would it help it our music was better? Murray: Possibly, yeah.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: Mel, these scrambled eggs are terrific. Mel: Thank you, Bret. Rain: Yeah, thanks for the food. It's really nice. Mel: Thank you. Um, what was your name again? Rain: It's Rain. Mel: Oh, that's nice. Like, kind of like bad weather. I remember your name from the fan list. I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly? Rain: No. Mel: No? Do you not have a computer, or... Rain: No, I do have a computer. Mel: Oh, you can't read.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: You can't just neglect your old fans like that. What happens when the new fans fly the coop? You'll end up like Zed-Zed Top. Bret: What are you talking about? Murray Hewitt: You know, Zed-Zed Top? Bret: Yeah. Murray Hewitt: They sang the song about the, the, uh, woman with the legs. Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it, their new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a "Do we have a beard or not?" sit - situation.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: And look at this. Bret: That's our bedroom. Murray Hewitt: Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom. Jemaine: What? Murray Hewitt: Fan base loves it. Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be? Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam. Murray Hewitt: Yeah, well, just, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right? Jemaine: What are you implying? Murray Hewitt: Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, I - sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on. Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam! Bret: I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on. Murray Hewitt: Oh, OK. Well, here we go, there's the lounge.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Jemaine: I was hoping to dress something like Prince. Dave: Kind of erogenous, huh? Jemaine: Yeah, but toned down a bit, like Prince if he was just going to the zoo, or the supermarket.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: So here you are - I bought you guys a beer. Bret: I don't even drink beer. Jemaine: I don't drink it either. Murray Hewitt: Well, just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock & roll image.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: Hey, Jemaine. Jemaine: Hmm? Bret: Last night, did you... look? Jemaine: We agreed never to talk about this.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: Now, what happened last night? Jemaine: Well, the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. Murray Hewitt: Whoa, really? Jemaine: Mm. Murray Hewitt: That's pretty rock & roll! Bret: No, it was very awkward.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: They want me in the threesome. Jemaine: What? Bret: Yeah. Jemaine: Well, that's not a threesome, that's a foursome. Bret: I don't know. I've never had a threesome. Jemaine: I don't want you in my threesome. You don't even know anything about threesomes. Bret: Have you ever had a threesome? Jemaine: Nearly. Bret: What do you mean "nearly"? Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Summer: So who's the old dude in the photo with you? Mel: That's my husband, Doug. Summer: Oh. I thought he was your dad. Mel: He's a little bit older than me. He was my college professor. I remember seeing him on the first day of college. He was so dapper and so knowledgeable, and I just had to have him. He resisted for a while, and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end love overcame. I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: [tripping on LSD] Get out. I'm having an acid reflux.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: I'm so angry I feel like swearing! Bret: Oh no, you wouldn't swear at us... Murray: Go fuck yourself, Bret!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Jemaine: How big's the bus going to be? The tour bus. Murray: This is the tour bus, Jemaine. Jemaine: This isn't a tour bus. It says here we're going to have a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, isn't it? Alright, there's only two of you, you're not a big rugby team, you don't need a bus. Bret: Oh, I thought we were getting a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret, alright? You can see there I've crossed out bus, haven't I? Jemaine: Yeah you crossed out bus and you wrote bus. Murray: Yeah, I got confused there, I didn't know what to do. Honda Accord was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put bus back in. I knew as soon as I wrote it there'd be some sort of controversy.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: Okay, band meeting. Murray, present. Bret, present. Jemaine, present. Alright, I haven't got time for your time-wasting.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: Oh, it's Shelly. Bret: Oh, how's Shelly? I thought you were separated. Murray: No, we're back together, remember? You asked me why I was crying, I said it was the happiest day of my life. You don't remember that? Bret: Mm, no.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: I'm so livid with you turkeys. You're like a couple of cool-looking idiots.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Jemaine: Oh, he's kidding. He's got a great sense of humor. [to Bret] Please don't joke.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Dave: I don't know how you guys do things in Europe... Bret, Jemaine: New Zealand. Dave: Yeah, probably. But in America, if you want to spend some time with the ladies, you've got to show them some sausage.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: She's got two jobs - she's a pastry chef and a sniper.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: Well, it turns out she's very aggressive. Jemaine: Did she hit you? Bret: No, she wanted to go all the way. Jemaine: Mmm. I thought you already did go all the way. Bret: No, now she wants to have sex. Jemaine: [chokes on his juice] What gave you that impression? Bret: She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: ...But you said you loved me... you had sex on me.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Lisa: Bret... Bret... Bret: What are you doing? Lisa: I couldn't sleep. Bret: Well, you're not going to sleep any better up there...
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Murray: Oh, uh, A.J., um, I was just wondering if you could do us a favor. You know I manage a rock band. What are, uh, what are the chances of me playing a demo of theirs to your brother? A.J. Jones: My brother? Murray: Yeah. Quincy, you know. A.J. Jones: Ohh. My older brother.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / Mmm, very nice / Just because you've been exploring my mouth / Doesn't mean you get to take an expedition further south, no Bret, Jemaine: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / It's very, very nice / Just because we've been playing tonsil hockey / Doesn't mean you get to score the goal that's in my Jockey