Jemaine

Flight of the Conchords

- Character Guide

Characters: #2 of 5 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Jemaine Clement

« Back to Character Profile

Jemaine Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Unnatural Love Bret: [talking about Jemaine sleeping with an Australian] Did you use protection? Jemaine: Yes... but only on my penis.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - The Actor Jemaine: We need to get bigger audiences. Murray: I know. I thought this one would be big. What am I doing wrong? Jemaine: Maybe it's something we're doing wrong. Would it help it our music was better? Murray: Possibly, yeah.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: And look at this. Bret: That's our bedroom. Murray Hewitt: Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom. Jemaine: What? Murray Hewitt: Fan base loves it. Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be? Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam. Murray Hewitt: Yeah, well, just, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right? Jemaine: What are you implying? Murray Hewitt: Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, I - sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on. Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam! Bret: I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on. Murray Hewitt: Oh, OK. Well, here we go, there's the lounge.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Jemaine: I was hoping to dress something like Prince. Dave: Kind of erogenous, huh? Jemaine: Yeah, but toned down a bit, like Prince if he was just going to the zoo, or the supermarket.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: So here you are - I bought you guys a beer. Bret: I don't even drink beer. Jemaine: I don't drink it either. Murray Hewitt: Well, just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock & roll image.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: Hey, Jemaine. Jemaine: Hmm? Bret: Last night, did you... look? Jemaine: We agreed never to talk about this.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: Now, what happened last night? Jemaine: Well, the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. Murray Hewitt: Whoa, really? Jemaine: Mm. Murray Hewitt: That's pretty rock & roll! Bret: No, it was very awkward.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: They want me in the threesome. Jemaine: What? Bret: Yeah. Jemaine: Well, that's not a threesome, that's a foursome. Bret: I don't know. I've never had a threesome. Jemaine: I don't want you in my threesome. You don't even know anything about threesomes. Bret: Have you ever had a threesome? Jemaine: Nearly. Bret: What do you mean "nearly"? Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Jemaine: How big's the bus going to be? The tour bus. Murray: This is the tour bus, Jemaine. Jemaine: This isn't a tour bus. It says here we're going to have a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, isn't it? Alright, there's only two of you, you're not a big rugby team, you don't need a bus. Bret: Oh, I thought we were getting a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret, alright? You can see there I've crossed out bus, haven't I? Jemaine: Yeah you crossed out bus and you wrote bus. Murray: Yeah, I got confused there, I didn't know what to do. Honda Accord was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put bus back in. I knew as soon as I wrote it there'd be some sort of controversy.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Jemaine: Oh, he's kidding. He's got a great sense of humor. [to Bret] Please don't joke.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: Well, it turns out she's very aggressive. Jemaine: Did she hit you? Bret: No, she wanted to go all the way. Jemaine: Mmm. I thought you already did go all the way. Bret: No, now she wants to have sex. Jemaine: [chokes on his juice] What gave you that impression? Bret: She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: Fix the sink, please! Eugene: The sink works. It just comes out of a different place.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: Bonjour. Felicia: Bonjour. Jemaine: Bonjour. Felicia: Bonjour, monsieur. Jemaine: Bonjour, ma petite bureau de change. Lisa: Ça va? Bret: Ça va. Ça va? Lisa: Ça va. Bret: Voilà! La conversation dans le parc!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant. Lisa: What? Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant. Je suis enchanté. Où est la biblioteque? Voilá mon passeport. Ah, Gerard Depardieu! Baguette! Jemaine, Bret: Aw-haw-haw! Bret: Baguette! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: [gravelly voice, flapping the oven door] Cheer up, Bret! Jemaine: [normal voice] Mmm? It's the talking stove! Jemaine: [as talking stove] Eh, things will work out! Jemaine: [normal voice] Yeah? You love the talking stove! Jemaine: [as talking stove] Ahhh! Let's make a cake!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: I don't want to go too fast, you know? I don't want her to think that I'm easy. Jemaine: You want her to think you're more difficult?
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Sinjay: You can have fruit from the New Zealand section. Jemaine: There's a dog in that section. Sinjay: Yeah, well, it's for dogs from America and people from New Zealand.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Dave: You guys are, like, the most hated group in America. Jemaine: What about black people? Dave: Yeah, they hate you too.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Jemaine: You look like a something, like, uh... a banana balls.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Dave: Say a comeback to him! Jemaine: He's shouting stereotypes, racist stereotypes at us! Dave: Yeah, let him have it, man! Bret: Banana balls! Jemaine: You look like a - a something, like a banana balls!
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Jemaine: It was either this or getting you sent to Alcatraz.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Jemaine: Were those supposed to be lightning bolts down the side of it?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Jemaine: [as David Bowie in Bret's dream] So you showed your penis to the man from the greeting card company.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Bret: So I'm guessing like, if David Bowie isn't that confident, then maybe - maybe most people aren't that confident? Which means... I'm not gonna worry about being confident. Dave: Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident. Bret: Yeah... Jemaine: But it's not really him though. Bret: I know... Jemaine: It's a dream. Bret: I know, but... Jemaine: It's your dream. Bret: I know it's my dream, but you'd still think he'd be a lot more confident. Jemaine: Yeah, can I have your biscuit, Bret? Bret: Yeah, help yourself. I'm not eating anymore. I'm a bit too fat.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Murray: Hey guys, guess what's in my hand? Bret: A biscuit? Murray: Nope, not even close. Jermaine? Jemaine: Another kind of biscuit? Murray: No, I haven't got a biscuit, have I? I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be another kind, is it? Bret: Is it a really big biscuit? Murray: IT'S NOT A BISCUIT! Jemaine: I don't know. You know I'm not very imaginative. Murray: OK, well, you've ruined this game, I'll just show you. [He shows them the muscial greeting card which plays their song] Bret: That's flippin' awesome! Murray: Listen to that! Jemaine: But I thought they weren't gonna... Murray: Well, Mr. Armstrong said he admired Bret's balls.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Jemaine: [singing to Bret] Don't let anybody tell you you're not humpable/because you're bumpable/I hope this doesn't make you feel uncomfortable.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Jemaine: I said, Bret, you got it going on. Not in a gay way, just in a "Hey mate, I wanted to say that you're looking okay, mate."
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Murray: That's good, Bret. Jemaine, you look depressed. Smile! Jemaine: I'm not supposed to. I'm in a band. Murray: Who wants to hear a sad band? Jemaine: Well, this is the cool look for a band. Murray: But what about when you - hands in the air and smile? Jemaine: No, that's not what bands do. Bands don't put their arms in the air and smile. Murray: I've seen that. I've seen musicians do that. Bret: That's gymnasts, Murray.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Murray: Okay, it looks weird. Um, Bret, you look quite small. It looks sort of like trick photography. Jemaine: It's Bret's fault. Murray: It's like Lord of the Rings. Jemaine, you look like an ogre that works in the library.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Jemaine: I'm not going to compliment you... It'd be weird.

« previous12 3 next »

Previous: Bret

Next: Murray Hewitt

» Back to Flight of the Conchords TV Show