Bret

Flight of the Conchords

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Bret McKenzie

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Bret Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Unnatural Love Bret: [talking about Jemaine sleeping with an Australian] Did you use protection? Jemaine: Yes... but only on my penis.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: Mel, these scrambled eggs are terrific. Mel: Thank you, Bret. Rain: Yeah, thanks for the food. It's really nice. Mel: Thank you. Um, what was your name again? Rain: It's Rain. Mel: Oh, that's nice. Like, kind of like bad weather. I remember your name from the fan list. I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly? Rain: No. Mel: No? Do you not have a computer, or... Rain: No, I do have a computer. Mel: Oh, you can't read.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: You can't just neglect your old fans like that. What happens when the new fans fly the coop? You'll end up like Zed-Zed Top. Bret: What are you talking about? Murray Hewitt: You know, Zed-Zed Top? Bret: Yeah. Murray Hewitt: They sang the song about the, the, uh, woman with the legs. Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it, their new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a "Do we have a beard or not?" sit - situation.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: And look at this. Bret: That's our bedroom. Murray Hewitt: Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom. Jemaine: What? Murray Hewitt: Fan base loves it. Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be? Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam. Murray Hewitt: Yeah, well, just, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right? Jemaine: What are you implying? Murray Hewitt: Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, I - sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on. Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam! Bret: I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on. Murray Hewitt: Oh, OK. Well, here we go, there's the lounge.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: So here you are - I bought you guys a beer. Bret: I don't even drink beer. Jemaine: I don't drink it either. Murray Hewitt: Well, just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock & roll image.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: Hey, Jemaine. Jemaine: Hmm? Bret: Last night, did you... look? Jemaine: We agreed never to talk about this.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Murray Hewitt: Now, what happened last night? Jemaine: Well, the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us. Murray Hewitt: Whoa, really? Jemaine: Mm. Murray Hewitt: That's pretty rock & roll! Bret: No, it was very awkward.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: They want me in the threesome. Jemaine: What? Bret: Yeah. Jemaine: Well, that's not a threesome, that's a foursome. Bret: I don't know. I've never had a threesome. Jemaine: I don't want you in my threesome. You don't even know anything about threesomes. Bret: Have you ever had a threesome? Jemaine: Nearly. Bret: What do you mean "nearly"? Jemaine: I've had a twosome.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - New Fans Bret: [tripping on LSD] Get out. I'm having an acid reflux.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: I'm so angry I feel like swearing! Bret: Oh no, you wouldn't swear at us... Murray: Go fuck yourself, Bret!
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Jemaine: How big's the bus going to be? The tour bus. Murray: This is the tour bus, Jemaine. Jemaine: This isn't a tour bus. It says here we're going to have a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, isn't it? Alright, there's only two of you, you're not a big rugby team, you don't need a bus. Bret: Oh, I thought we were getting a tour bus. Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret, alright? You can see there I've crossed out bus, haven't I? Jemaine: Yeah you crossed out bus and you wrote bus. Murray: Yeah, I got confused there, I didn't know what to do. Honda Accord was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put bus back in. I knew as soon as I wrote it there'd be some sort of controversy.
	Season 1 / Episode 9: - What Goes on Tour Murray: Oh, it's Shelly. Bret: Oh, how's Shelly? I thought you were separated. Murray: No, we're back together, remember? You asked me why I was crying, I said it was the happiest day of my life. You don't remember that? Bret: Mm, no.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: She's got two jobs - she's a pastry chef and a sniper.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: Well, it turns out she's very aggressive. Jemaine: Did she hit you? Bret: No, she wanted to go all the way. Jemaine: Mmm. I thought you already did go all the way. Bret: No, now she wants to have sex. Jemaine: [chokes on his juice] What gave you that impression? Bret: She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: ...But you said you loved me... you had sex on me.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Lisa: Bret... Bret... Bret: What are you doing? Lisa: I couldn't sleep. Bret: Well, you're not going to sleep any better up there...
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / Mmm, very nice / Just because you've been exploring my mouth / Doesn't mean you get to take an expedition further south, no Bret, Jemaine: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / It's very, very nice / Just because we've been playing tonsil hockey / Doesn't mean you get to score the goal that's in my Jockey
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: Bonjour. Felicia: Bonjour. Jemaine: Bonjour. Felicia: Bonjour, monsieur. Jemaine: Bonjour, ma petite bureau de change. Lisa: Ça va? Bret: Ça va. Ça va? Lisa: Ça va. Bret: Voilà! La conversation dans le parc!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant. Lisa: What? Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant. Je suis enchanté. Où est la biblioteque? Voilá mon passeport. Ah, Gerard Depardieu! Baguette! Jemaine, Bret: Aw-haw-haw! Bret: Baguette! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw!
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Girlfriends Bret: I don't want to go too fast, you know? I don't want her to think that I'm easy. Jemaine: You want her to think you're more difficult?
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - Drive By Dave: Say a comeback to him! Jemaine: He's shouting stereotypes, racist stereotypes at us! Dave: Yeah, let him have it, man! Bret: Banana balls! Jemaine: You look like a - a something, like a banana balls!
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie 1986 David Bowie: Bret, Bret?... Bret! It's 1986 David Bowie from the movie "Labyrinth." Bret: Yeah, I know. 1986 David Bowie: So you showed your penis to the man at the greeting-card company? Bret: That was your idea. 1986 David Bowie: I didn't mean something like that. I only meant something like... I don't know, wear makeup or... Bret: Yeah, I was wearing makeup. I had lightning bolts on my wanger. 1986 David Bowie: I meant on your face, Bret. On your face. Bret: So have you got anymore advice? 1986 David Bowie: No. I don't have anymore advice. I've given you all of my good advice. Actually, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to help people. I'm useless. Bret: Jemaine actually thinks that maybe you're a figment of my imagination. 1986 David Bowie: I might as well be, Bret. I might as well be. Bret: Yeah. 1986 David Bowie: Anyway, Bret, I have to go. Bret: Where are you going? 1986 David Bowie: I'm going to a party. I'm already 20 minutes late. Bret: Sounds cool. Where's the party? 1986 David Bowie: In space, Bret. In space. Bret: Space? 1986 David Bowie: Yeah. It is quite freaky, isn't it, Bret? Bret: Yeah... no. 1986 David Bowie: Goodbye, Bret. Bret: See you, Bowie.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Bret: So I'm guessing like, if David Bowie isn't that confident, then maybe - maybe most people aren't that confident? Which means... I'm not gonna worry about being confident. Dave: Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident. Bret: Yeah... Jemaine: But it's not really him though. Bret: I know... Jemaine: It's a dream. Bret: I know, but... Jemaine: It's your dream. Bret: I know it's my dream, but you'd still think he'd be a lot more confident. Jemaine: Yeah, can I have your biscuit, Bret? Bret: Yeah, help yourself. I'm not eating anymore. I'm a bit too fat.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Murray: Hey guys, guess what's in my hand? Bret: A biscuit? Murray: Nope, not even close. Jermaine? Jemaine: Another kind of biscuit? Murray: No, I haven't got a biscuit, have I? I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be another kind, is it? Bret: Is it a really big biscuit? Murray: IT'S NOT A BISCUIT! Jemaine: I don't know. You know I'm not very imaginative. Murray: OK, well, you've ruined this game, I'll just show you. [He shows them the muscial greeting card which plays their song] Bret: That's flippin' awesome! Murray: Listen to that! Jemaine: But I thought they weren't gonna... Murray: Well, Mr. Armstrong said he admired Bret's balls.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie David Bowie: Oh, the media monkies and their junky junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomine... throw their invites away. Bret: I'm not really sure what you're talking about.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Bowie Murray: That's good, Bret. Jemaine, you look depressed. Smile! Jemaine: I'm not supposed to. I'm in a band. Murray: Who wants to hear a sad band? Jemaine: Well, this is the cool look for a band. Murray: But what about when you - hands in the air and smile? Jemaine: No, that's not what bands do. Bands don't put their arms in the air and smile. Murray: I've seen that. I've seen musicians do that. Bret: That's gymnasts, Murray.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Sally Returns Murray: Where are you going? Jemaine: I'm going on a date Bret: With who? Jemaine: No one... Murray: No one? That’s not a date... That’s just going out... I do that all the time! Do you want to go for a walk are something?
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Yoko Bret: If you say that again, I'm gonna throw this sandwich at your face.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Yoko Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret. Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here? Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again. Bret: Really? Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you... [makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco] Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man. Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her not... Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco Coko: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want. Bret: Shush Baby. Coko: I-I don't really see us as a long-term... Bret: Shush. Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band? Bret: Well, it’s gonna be Coco. Jemaine: Oh, are you sure? Bret: Yeah. Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band. Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco. Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band. Bret: Okay, yeah all right. Jemaine: Okay. Bret: Cool. Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later. [gets up to leave] Bret: I'll see you at band practice. Jemaine: [sits down Again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Mugged Bret: At least I didn't kill a monkey.

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