Carl: So, uh, what's goin' on?
Steve Urkel: Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie borrowed money from me. I'm playing Boyd double or nothing. I was kickin' butt. Boyd broke my glasses. Five hundred on the line. Can't see a darn thing.
Carl: Nice summery.
Clarence: Yo, you a serious little nerd.
Steve Urkel: No, I AM a serious little nerd. You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences.
Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids. [strikes a pose]... Laura?
Laura: What, Steve?
Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home?
Steve Urkel: To be quite honest, Fuffner; I'd written you off as being incorrigible.
Willie Fuffner: What did he say?
Waldo: He called you a gerbil.
Laura: Where did you get the money for this?
Steve Urkel: From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them!
Laura: I guess I could call Steve Urkel.
Laura: Did I say that?
Eddie: What's that?
Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative?
Eddie: A really... big negative?
Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X?
Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha!
Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before.
Eddie: I did good, huh?
Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart!
Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow?
Carl: Yes, I do. Hi mom!
Estelle Winslow: Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway.
Steve Urkel: [drinking spiked punch] What is this? Mango?
Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel
Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits!
Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped.
Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away.
Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower?
Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose!
Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good.
Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo.
Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard.
Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in?
Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops.
Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded?
Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick?
Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother!
Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis!
Curtis: Hi Laura!
Laura: What's wrong?
Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom.
Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me?
Curtis: That's Right
Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse.
Curtis: My grandmother died!
Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me.
Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral
Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't
Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week?
Laura: Poor Curtis
Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom.
Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date.
Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo!
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia.
Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay?
Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom. [crying]
Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together. [laughs] Bye! [Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house]
Dexter Thornhill: [after being found guilty at Urkel's trial] Darn you Urkel, Darn you to Heck!
Eddie: [while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried.
Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in.
Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy! [plugs the cord into the socket]
Carl, Eddie: [after Carl gets shocked from the electrical current] STEVE!
Steve Urkel: Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus.
Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that?
Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough.
Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam.
Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man.
Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe.
Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up!
Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo."
Judy Winslow: Mom, when's dinner? We're starved.
Harriette: Soon, baby. Your dad's runnin' late.
Laura: Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke!
Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd.
Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler.
Laura: So, will you do it?
Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow?
Estelle Winslow: What, Honey?
Rachel Crawford: When you... when you...
Estelle Winslow: Bite the big one?
Rachel Crawford: Right. Would you rather be buried or cremated?
Estelle Winslow: Surprise me.
Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled.
Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything?
Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud!
Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff?
Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel!
Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department?
Laura: He started it.
Eddie: How did I start it?
Laura: By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot.
Carl: Maybe you can even resurrect your band.
Eddie: No, Kyle's gone solo and Jerry went with him.
Lt. Murtaugh: They're sending in that Urkel kid.
Carl: What? We've got cheerleaders taller than him.
Carl: Typical. It is always tomorrow with that boy. "Clean up your room, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Take out the trash, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Pass the salt, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" [goes to the refrigerator] No root beer? When are you going to the store?
Harriette: Tomorrow, Dear.
Waldo: Cheating it wrong, Eddie, and you should know that. I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them!
Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry.
Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department.
Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame.
Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya?
Steve Urkel: No.
Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that.
Harriette: How's the book?
Judy Winslow: Boring. Look how big and thick it is!
Harriette: [Reading] Swiss Family Robinson!
Judy Winslow: Who wants to read about cheese?
Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music?
Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really.
Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet.
Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy.
Eddie: That thing is so ugly.
Steve Urkel: Shh. Pablo's bilingual!
Waldo: Excuse me, but I don't wanna hear about a bug's sex life.
Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers?
Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends.
Chain: It occurs to me that you could be wired.
Steve Urkel: Oh no! Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I...
Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired!
Steve Urkel: Have you guys seen Laura?
Waldo: Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake!
Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today.
Waldo: Ohh... Cool.