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 | Unknown Episode: Carl: So, uh, what's goin' on? Steve Urkel: Boyd whipped Eddie. Eddie borrowed money from me. I'm playing Boyd double or nothing. I was kickin' butt. Boyd broke my glasses. Five hundred on the line. Can't see a darn thing. Carl: Nice summery. |
| Unknown Episode: Clarence: Yo, you a serious little nerd. Steve Urkel: No, I AM a serious little nerd. You see, I use verbs. Verbs are our friends. They help move along our sentences. |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: I do want a guy with something upstairs, but, uh, I also want a well-built staircase. Steve Urkel: Oh, well, no problem-o. I'll just begin a rigorist-training schedule. Why, a few sessions on the Muscle Master and you'll be drooling over my deltoids. [strikes a pose]... Laura? Laura: What, Steve? Steve Urkel: I hurt myself. Can you carry me home? |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: To be quite honest, Fuffner; I'd written you off as being incorrigible. Willie Fuffner: What did he say? Waldo: He called you a gerbil. |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: Where did you get the money for this? Steve Urkel: From my stay-away fund. Every year, my relatives send me money in hopes that I won't visit them! |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: I guess I could call Steve Urkel. Laura: Did I say that? |
| Unknown Episode: Eddie: What's that? Steve Urkel: 'Standardized Urkel Elementary Math Exam'. It helps to determine how much help you need. Okay, first question. What do you get when you multiply a negative by a negative? Eddie: A really... big negative? Steve Urkel: Uh-oh. Second question. Three times X equals six. What is the value of X? Eddie: [chuckling] I know this one! It's either a number or a letter! Ha ha! Steve Urkel: Whoa. This has never happened before. Eddie: I did good, huh? Steve Urkel: You didn't even make it onto the chart! |
| Unknown Episode: Lt.Murtaugh: Do you know that woman Winslow? Carl: Yes, I do. Hi mom! Estelle Winslow: Carl! Carl, someone parked their own piece of junk in our driveway. |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: [drinking spiked punch] What is this? Mango? |
| Unknown Episode: Robbins: Hey everyone, Laura Winslow's date is Steve Urkel Donna Santangelo: And get this, Urkel's tuxedo fits! Laura: [as Steve and Laura walk in, the guests gasp again] Steve, everyone gasped. Steve Urkel: Of course. You're so beautiful, you take their breath away. Laura: Is it my imagination or is your voice lower? Steve Urkel: I think it's because these pants are so loose! Maxine Johnson: Ooh Laura, you look good. Laura: So do you Max, guess what, Steve rented us a limo. Waldo: We rented us a limo station wagon. All we had to do was drop some dead guy off at the graveyard. Maxine Johnson: Was there a line to get your pictures taken when you guys walked in? Steve Urkel: No, but it was moving kinda fast. Let's trot on over there and see what develops. |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: Girl, have you ever seen the hair salon so crowded? Maxine Johnson: It happens every year the day of the prom. Did you see them work on Dora Fenswick? Laura: She didn't need a hairstylist, she needs a fairy godmother! Laura: [Curtis is about to break bad news to Laura] Curtis! Curtis: Hi Laura! Laura: What's wrong? Curtis: I don't know how to tell you this, but I have to tell you straight out. I won't be able to take you to the prom. Laura: Curtis, I got my hair done, my nails. I bought a new dress and you say you can't take me? Curtis: That's Right Laura: Let me tell you something. It better be a dead relative in your excuse. Curtis: My grandmother died! Laura: [gasps] I'm sorry, I'm so sorry please forgive me. Curtis: My whole family is flying out to Washington for the funeral Laura: Can you wait a day, of course you can't Curtis: I know you're disappointed. I'm sorry, call you next week? Laura: Poor Curtis Maxine Johnson: Yeah and poor you, you gonna miss your prom. Laura: Maybe not, there has to be some guy who doesn't have a date. Laura: [as Steve walks he sobs and cries on Laura's shoulder] What's the matter baby, did you eat some bad cheese again? Whoo! Steve Urkel: [sobbing] No, it's Myra, her cold got worse. Her temperature shot up and she tossed more cookies than the Keebler elf. I rushed her to the emergency room and the doctor said she has walking pneumonia. Maxine Johnson: Will she be okay? Steve Urkel: [sobbing] In about a week or so, but she gonna have to miss the prom. [crying] Maxine Johnson: [Maxine starts to laugh while talking to Steve] Ooh, hoo hoo. This is amazing! You know uh, Laura doesn't have a date for the prom either. This means you guys have to go together. [laughs] Bye! [Maxine laughs hysterically after she leaves the house] |
| Unknown Episode: Dexter Thornhill: [after being found guilty at Urkel's trial] Darn you Urkel, Darn you to Heck! |
| Unknown Episode: Eddie: [while Eddie and Carl where doing wiring for the satelite dish] Be Careful with those wires Dad. You don't want to get fried. Carl: Son, I am no neophyte when it comes to electronics. This wire will be connected to this cord and this cord is not plugged in. Steve Urkel: [Steve picks up the cord to the satelite dish] Sloppy, Sloppy, Sloppy! [plugs the cord into the socket] Carl, Eddie: [after Carl gets shocked from the electrical current] STEVE! |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: Laura's got the highly infectious mucus-nasal-osis-inflamicus. Daniel Wallace: Oh my God! What is that? Steve Urkel: Well, it starts out with a little cough. Steve Urkel: Then your nasal passages swell and your nose and throat slam shut tighter than a clam. Daniel Wallace: Whoa, man. Steve Urkel: Yeah, and then if you sneeze... why, your entire head explodes like a cherry bomb in a cantaloupe. Daniel Wallace: Hey, man. Hey, wait a minute. Hey, you could be making this whole thing up! Steve Urkel: Could. But, if I'm not, the last two words you'll ever say will be, "A Choo." |
| Unknown Episode: Judy Winslow: Mom, when's dinner? We're starved. Harriette: Soon, baby. Your dad's runnin' late. Laura: Let's eat everything and see if he can take a joke! |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: Steve, I know it's a lot to ask, but I'd really appreciate it if you'd tutor Todd. Steve Urkel: Well, Laura, do you realize what you're asking? I'm jealous of Todd and you want me to help him. Why, you might as well drop a boulder on my foot, shove bamboo shoots under my fingernails, or scoop my eyeballs out with a melon baler. Laura: So, will you do it? |
| Unknown Episode: Rachel Crawford: Mother Winslow? Estelle Winslow: What, Honey? Rachel Crawford: When you... when you... Estelle Winslow: Bite the big one? Rachel Crawford: Right. Would you rather be buried or cremated? Estelle Winslow: Surprise me. |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: I knew you'd be thrilled. Laura: This is just a model, right? It can't explode or anything? Steve Urkel: Why, of course it can! I love ya too much to build you a dud! Laura: But... but, where'd you get that radioactive stuff? Steve Urkel: I just called my uncle at the Pentagon. Colonel Dirk Urkel! Laura: There's an Urkel in our defense department? |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: He started it. Eddie: How did I start it? Laura: By being born first. You got the whole family off on the wrong foot. |
| Unknown Episode: Carl: Maybe you can even resurrect your band. Eddie: No, Kyle's gone solo and Jerry went with him. |
| Unknown Episode: Lt. Murtaugh: They're sending in that Urkel kid. Carl: What? We've got cheerleaders taller than him. |
| Unknown Episode: Carl: Typical. It is always tomorrow with that boy. "Clean up your room, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Take out the trash, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" "Pass the salt, Edward." "Tomorrow, Dad!" [goes to the refrigerator] No root beer? When are you going to the store? Harriette: Tomorrow, Dear. |
| Unknown Episode: Waldo: Cheating it wrong, Eddie, and you should know that. I may get F's, but, by God, I earn them! |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: Ms. Steuben... I'm sorry. Ms. Steuben: I know, Steven. You're always sorry. Listen, Steven, I've... I've decided to retire from the theatre arts department. Steve Urkel: Well, gee, that's a shame. Ms. Steuben: Yeah, well... Steven, you're not taking Home Ec. next semester, are ya? Steve Urkel: No. Ms. Steuben: Oh, good. Oh, good. I'll teach that. |
| Unknown Episode: Harriette: How's the book? Judy Winslow: Boring. Look how big and thick it is! Harriette: [Reading] Swiss Family Robinson! Judy Winslow: Who wants to read about cheese? |
| Unknown Episode: Laura: Steve, you like this kind of music? Steve Urkel: Mmm, not really. Laura: Maybe there's hope for you yet. Steve Urkel: I'm more of a polka kinda guy. |
| Unknown Episode: Eddie: That thing is so ugly. Steve Urkel: Shh. Pablo's bilingual! Waldo: Excuse me, but I don't wanna hear about a bug's sex life. |
| Unknown Episode: Estelle 'Mother' Winslow: Steve, how did you get so good at checkers? Steve Urkel: Practice. Fortunately, when I was young I had no friends. |
| Unknown Episode: Chain: It occurs to me that you could be wired. Steve Urkel: Oh no! Now, I may have taken a sip of my mom's coffee, but I... Chain: I'm talkin' about the other kind of wired! |
| Unknown Episode: Steve Urkel: Have you guys seen Laura? Eddie: Nope. Waldo: Sure you have. Pretty girl, dark hair... your sister for God's sake! Eddie: I meant, I haven't seen her today. Waldo: Ohh... Cool. |
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