Family Guy Quotes

Family Guy

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Max: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be? Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose? Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff. Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it? Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore. Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis. Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello! Stewie Griffin: Heh. Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington. Stewie Griffin: Aw. Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe. Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
	Season 7 / Episode 16: - Peter's Progress Strawberry Peter: Ah... it's another pleasant day for me, Peter the Strawberry. Hey, Mr. Worm. I welcome you arrival 'cause we're all part of the same garden. Wait... whadda ya... uh... uh... hey... hey... hey, get outta here! Hey, hey! Aaah! Aaaaahhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaahhh! [crying in shower] He was my neighbour, and he violated me. Now I'll never end up in a fancy pie.
	Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Chris Quagmire: Giggety-giggety-1950s-giggety!
	Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Now stay tuned to whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - We Love You Conrad Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian. Brian Griffin: How do you know? Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Connie D'Amico: He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass. Fred Flintstone: Hey! No one's asking you to smell it.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Adam Sandler: This is my old bicycle that I've had from when I was ten.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Adam Sandler: Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Adam Sandler: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring ring ring!
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine! Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it. Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES? Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this! Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper. Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it. Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work? Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper? Michael Dorn: I have to pee again. Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye. [teleports them away] Fuck!
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Patrick Stewart: [holding up two bowling balls] Look at me, I've got girl boobs!
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set? Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years. Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows? Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death! Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death? Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat! Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands! Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomabily ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back! Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phoenemes necessary to convey dread and terror! Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet! Woman: My baby's dead! Peter Griffin: It's over.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Brian Griffin: What's it called? Stewie Griffin: Susie. Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Stewie Griffin: Name twenty! Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block. Stewie Griffin: Name six more! Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Stewie Griffin: Name five more! Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby. Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there. Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind? Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron. Megatron: Do as I command! Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS. Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the sight of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?

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