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Tom Tucker Quotes
 | Season 9 / Episode 9: - And I'm Joyce Kinney Tom Tucker: Holy shit that just turned out, awful. Joyce, do your thing. Joyce Kinney: Thanks, Tom. Pornography, the very word conjures up the images and red light districts, unprotected sex, and of course, the turn of the century pornograph machine. Early pornographer: Whoahoho, Sweet Mary! Joyce Kinney: But it seems pornography has found our way to its neighborhood. Yes, local housewife and church organist Lois Griffin has revealed to this reporter that she appeared in a pornographic movie back in the early 1980s. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 5: - Hannah Banana Jake Tucker: Dad! There's an evil monkey in my closet! Tom Tucker: I do not care son. I just do not care! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 6: - Tales of a Third Grade Nothing Tom Tucker: And now Peter Griffin. Peter, your word is "lesbians". "Lesbians". Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a sentence, please? Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping." Peter Griffin: Can you use it in a dirty sentence, please? Tom Tucker: "The two lesbians are going shopping for double-sided marital aids." Peter Griffin: Umm, ah. Oh. Wow. [pause] Could you use it in a libellous sentence, please? Tom Tucker: "Gillian Anderson and Helen Hunt are lesbians." Peter Griffin: L-E-S-B-I-A-N-S. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Tom Tucker: Coming up, a local claims to have spotted Big Foot. We've got the exclusive interview here. Redneck: I was about to bone my girlfriend, but suddenly she yelled. I looked up and it was Big Foot? Tom Tucker: So what did you do after that? Redneck: I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes went crazy and she said there was no way. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Tom Tucker: In local news, a sexy new trend has emerged at James Woods High. Diane Simmons: That's right Tom, It appears that students have taken to having ear sex, in lieu of traditional intercourse. Tom Tucker: Over two hundred reports of ear sex have been confirmed so far, prompting a new slogan, "Once you go Black, you go deaf". |
 | Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist Tom Tucker: A bit of breaking news. A local family is forced out of their home by ghosts. Who are they gonna call? Diane Simmons: [sighs] Ghostbusters, Tom. Tom Tucker: No, Diane. Their insurance company. That's just stupid what you said. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 3: - Blind Ambition God: [In the Drunken Clam, God spots a woman trying to light a cigarette] Here, baby. Let me help you with that. Hot Chick at the Bar: [God summons a lightning bolt to light her cigarette] Wow! Thanks! God: That's nothing. Watch this! God: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ: [Jesus comes running] What? God: Get the Escalade, we're outta here! Tom Tucker: [Outside the burning Drunken Clam where Peter is helping Horace escape the fire] Here comes the blind hero now. Tell me sir, how were you able to summon up the courage to enter that burning building? Peter Griffin: That freakin' place was on fire? [drops Horace] |
| Season 4 / Episode 3: - Blind Ambition Tom Tucker: How did you manage to blindly rescue that man from that burning building? Peter Griffin: That freaking place was on fire? |
 | Season 4 / Episode 1: - North by North Quahog Brian Griffin: Jake brought vodka to the school dance, and Chris got blamed for it, and it's really turn his life upside-down face. Tom Tucker: It's no concern to me if it's turned his life upside-down face, Jake's a good boy! Isn't that right, Jake? Jake Tucker: Yeah! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 17: - Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows Brian Griffin: The sixties brought the hippie breed / And decades later, things have changed indeed / We lost the values, but we kept the weed / You've got a lot to see / The Reagan years have laid the frame / For movie stars to play the White House game / We're not to far from voting Feldman-Haim / You've got a lot to see / The town of Vegas / Has got a different face / 'Cause it's a family place / With lots to do / Where in the fifties / A man could mingle with scores / Of all the seediest whores / Well now his children can too / You heard it from the canine's mouth / The country's changed, that is except the South / And you'll agree / No one really knows, my dear lady friend / Just quite how it all will end / So hurry, 'cause you've got a lot to see / The baldness gene was cause for dread / But that's a fear that you can put to bed / They'll shave your ass and glue it on your head / You've got a lot to see / The PC age has moved the bar / A word like "redneck" is a step too far / The proper term is "country music star" / You've got a lot to see / Our flashy cell phones / Make people mumble, "Gee whiz" / "Look how important he is" / "His life must rule" / You'll get a tumor / But on your surgery day / The doc will see it and say / "Wow, you must really be cool" / Tom Tucker: There's lots of things you may have missed! Adam West: Like Pee-Wee and his famous wrist! Cleveland: Or Sandy Duncan's creepy phony eye! Neil Goldman: That awesome "Thundercats" cartoon! Diane Simmons: Neil Armstrong landing on the moon! Meg Griffin: Neil Armstrong? Wait, was he the trumpet guy? Brian Griffin: So let's go see the USA / They'll treat you right, unless you're black or gay / Or Cherokee / But you can forgive he world and its flaws / And follow me there, because / You've still got a hell of a lot to see / You've got a lot to see / |
 | Season 3 / Episode 15: - Ready, Willing, and Disabled Peter Griffin: [enters Tom Tucker's room in a wheelchair with his head bandaged] Mr. Tucker, I have become crippled. Therefore, I demand people to pay more respect for me and make a made for TV movie about me starring Vallerie Bert-n-Eernie. And the first story you're going to run: exclusive footage of my tragic accident. Peter Griffin: [on the video] Ah! Oh no! There's a car coming too fast to stop in time. Aiyeeeeee! Peter Griffin: [on the video] Waah! I'm handicapped now! Peter Griffin: There you have it. Tom Tucker: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe you. That was clearly a scarecrow dressed in your clothes. And when I freeze-frame Tom Tucker: that's *you* driving the car. Peter Griffin: Well, there's your hook. Tom Tucker: Get out. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 9: - Mr. Saturday Knight Tom Tucker: The crowd has fallen deathly ill... silent... sorry. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Kiss Seen Around the World Tom Tucker: So, Dustin, it's been a while. I gotta say, you look great. Dustin Hoffman: [as Ben Braddock] Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Tucker? Tom Tucker: I am not tying to seduce you, Dustin Hoffman. You really look great. Dustin Hoffman: [as Rain Man] Uh oh, 12 minutes to Wapner. Tom Tucker: Yes, I understand your hectic schedule. Well, Dustin, we really appreciate you taking the time to be with us here at the studio. If there's anything I can ever do for you... Dustin Hoffman: [as Captain Hook] Bring me Peter Pan! Tom Tucker: I'll keep my eye out for him. Thanks, Dustin. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story. Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers." Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say that New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 20: - Wasted Talent Tom Tucker: It's true. The final scroll has been recovered. The lucky recipient has declined to be interviewed for safety reasons, but I'm sure you're all with me when I say, "Congratulations, you son of a bitch." |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - The King Is Dead Diane Simmons: Our top story tonight, I have been cast as the lead in the Quahog Players' production of The King And I. Tom Tucker: In other news, I wont be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy. Diane Simmons: This just in: Tom, you're such a closet case. Tom Tucker: We now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane? |
 | Season 1 / Episode 2: - I Never Met the Dead Man Tom Tucker: Due to an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company, all television transmissions will be out for an undetermined ammount of time. Of course no one can see this news program so it doesn't really matter what we say. I'm the lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you, Diane? Diane Simmons: Well Tom, I just plain don't like black people. Cameraman: You guys, we're still on in Boston. |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - I Never Met the Dead Man Tom Tucker: Diane, that last report was so good, you deserve a spanking. Diane Simmons: Oh, Tom... I don't think your wife would like that. Tom Tucker: My wife is a bitter old hag, she's in Quahog and cant hear a word we're saying. Director: Uh, guys, we're back on in Quahog. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 1: - Death Has a Shadow Diane Simmons: Quite a situation we've got here, Tom. Tom Tucker: Quite a situation we've got here Tom indeed, Diane. |
 | Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie! Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN! Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie! Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN! Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie. |
| Unknown Episode: Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead! Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j... Diane Simmons: Jimenez. Tom Tucker: I know how to say it! |
| Unknown Episode: Diane Simmons: Our suspect may look something like this. And we have received an anonymous tip with a new lead! Tom Tucker: We now go live with Hispanic reporter Maria J... j... Diane Simmons: Jimenez. Tom Tucker: I know how to say it! |
| Unknown Episode: Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. Tom Tucker: Really? 64? Diane Simmons: Yes! Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead. Diane Simmons: Nope, she's alive. Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this... |
| Unknown Episode: Diane Simmons: And in entertainment, Mary Tyler Moore is 64 years old today. Tom Tucker: Really? 64? Diane Simmons: Yes! Tom Tucker: Now I thought she was dead. Diane Simmons: Nope, she's alive. Tom Tucker: Fantastic! And now this... |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: And the winning theme for the Harvest Day Parade float is... the episode of "Who's the Boss" where Tony sees Angela naked in the shower. |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie. [cuts to Ollie] Ollie Williams: He gonna get it! |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: In local news, a Buddy Cianci High School student was caught with a lot of cocaine in his locker. He was sentenced to 100 hours of community service, and is a very bad boy. And now we go to Ollie Williams for the punishment forecast, Ollie. [cuts to Ollie] Ollie Williams: He gonna get it! |
| Unknown Episode: Tom Tucker: And now Channel 6 black man Ollie Williams with the weather. Ollie. Ollie Williams: Issgon' rain! |
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