Stewie Griffin

Family Guy

- Character Guide

Characters: #3 of 28 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Seth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his ...

« Back to Character Profile

Stewie Griffin Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Stewie Griffin: [Upon entering the synagogue] Look at all these short, hairy men. I feel like I'm on the forest moon of Endor.
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it? Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore. Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis. Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello! Stewie Griffin: Heh. Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington. Stewie Griffin: Aw. Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe. Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
	Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh! Spa-doodie-ohs!
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine! Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Stewie Griffin: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die. Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival. Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this! Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper. Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that? LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it. Stewie Griffin: Really? How's that going to work? Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays. Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper? Michael Dorn: I have to pee again. Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye. [teleports them away] Fuck!
	Season 7 / Episode 11: - Not All Dogs Go to Heaven Stewie Griffin: Now, Question #1: what's it like on the set? Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years. Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun - you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight. Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Brian Griffin: What's it called? Stewie Griffin: Susie. Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Stewie Griffin: Name twenty! Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block. Stewie Griffin: Name six more! Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Stewie Griffin: Name five more! Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby. Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Stewie Griffin: Mummy, Daddy, Chris, Dog, Brian! They're home!
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe? Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin. Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses? Brian Griffin: I don't know [slowly turns toward the camera] maybe because they don't have any oil? Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh... [he applauds] oh clap clap clap clap clap!
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort? Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws! Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down. Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh. Brian Griffin: What? Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated. Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!" European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!" Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not! European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!" Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that? European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!" Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not! European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!" Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany RAF Commander: Men, as officers of the Royal Air Force, you're the very best in the world. However, this mission to Germany will not be an easy one. Four and a half of every five of you will not return. Half of Jenson there can tell you it gets pretty sticky. Jenson: But I never lost me good spirits, I haven't. RAF Commander: So let's get up there, be safe, and get back to the big, fat pigs of wives we have waiting at home. Stewie Griffin: Pardon me, Sir. I'd like to join. RAF Commander: What are your qualifications? Stewie Griffin: I have a British accent, I'm possibly homosexual, I never brush my teeth, and my wife is ghastly! RAF Commander: Bombs away!
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present. Brian Griffin: Really? Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are. Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are. Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say. [a Cow says SHAZOOM]. Okay we are somewhere in Europe.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working! Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting. Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help? Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Mort Goldman: Why isn't the time machine working? Stewie Griffin: I don't know Mort. Mort Goldman: I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit! Stewie Griffin: Okay. Take it easy man. Mort Goldman: NO! Fuck you Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe. Fuck you! Fuck the both of you! Brian Griffin: I didn't say anything Stewie Griffin: Oh thanks Brian. Mort Goldman: This is a bunch of shit! Stewie Griffin: Okay you know what Mort? Just shut up! Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know we can just leave you here. Mort Goldman: Yeah right just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe and in case you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish! Stewie Griffin: Oh I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. Brian Griffin: Ha Ha Ha Mort Goldman: Eat me ass, Brian! Brian Griffin: Don't you mean your ass-neck? Mort Goldman: Shut up. That's a real thing.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: [Two torpedos have been fired at their U-Boat which are about to hit them] Uh oh. Hold onto something Mort Goldman: Why isn't the time machine working? Stewie Griffin: I swear to God Mort I will stuff you into the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian? Brian Griffin: Yeah? Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good. [a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone. Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him. Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois. Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad? Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard? Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
	Season 7 / Episode 1: - Love Blactually Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!" Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what? Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened! Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that? Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened. Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it? Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening. Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined." Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened? Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures? Stewie Griffin: Ruins. Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening? Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened. Brian Griffin: Say "ruined." Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Ruined. Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Ruined. Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Dumbass. Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show. Brian Griffin: Really? Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half. Brian Griffin: What? Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Tracy: Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son. Stewie Griffin: Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor. Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec. Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude? Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend? Dylan: You're weird. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! Dylan: I'm out of here. Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7? Brian Griffin: Those are dog years. Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense. Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello? Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right? Brian Griffin: No. Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, another Scattergories question. The category is "Type of Pet." Herbert put "Cambodian." That's not right, right?
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke Stewie Griffin: [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school] Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Brian Griffin: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now? Stewie Griffin: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Brian Griffin: Ah, I've heard about that place. Stewie Griffin: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea. Brian Griffin: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that. Stewie Griffin: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car. Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Stewie Griffin: I'd drop the gun if I were you, Joe. Stan Smith: What? It's Stan. Stewie Griffin: Oh, sorry, you look sorta like someone from... Anyway, I'd drop the gun if I were you. I now control the entire planet's power grid. And unless you want me to send you all back to the dark ages, you'll do exactly as I say. Avery Bullock: What are your demands?
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent. Jillian: Is that true? Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true. Jillian: Why didn't you say anything? Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me? Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no. Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Brian Griffin: Really? Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait! Brian Griffin: Damn it! Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see. [the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something? Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake. Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina. Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place? Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas. Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 next »

Previous: Lois Griffin

Next: Brian Griffin

» Back to Family Guy TV Show