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Peter Griffin Quotes
 | Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone Brian Griffin: You see, I'd thought I start out locally, then try to merge with one of the larger groups. Lois Griffin: Oh that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA. Peter Griffin: Join me for what? Lois Griffin: No, PETA. The organization. Peter Griffin: What organization? Lois Griffin: PETA. Peter Griffin: What? Lois Griffin: PETA is an acrynom, Peter. Peter Griffin: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic. Stewie Griffin: Are we really doing this? Lois Griffin: No, Peter. All I'm saying is, maybe if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally. Peter Griffin: Somebody's having a rally for me now? Lois Griffin: No, for PETA. Peter Griffin: That's me! I'm Peter! Lois Griffin: I'm not talking about you, Peter. I'm talking about PETA! Peter Griffin: Somebody better have something to say to me pretty damn soon. Or I'll have something to say to them. I'm very busy! Chris Griffin: I think Betty White is in PETA. Peter Griffin: THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE! |
| Season 8 / Episode 8: - Dog Gone Lois Griffin: Peter, what are you doing? Peter Griffin: She's still here, Lois. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Wasn't she supposed to leave like, two hours ago? Lois Griffin: I thought so. Go check and ask her. Peter Griffin: I'm not going in there. You go in there. Lois Griffin: Uh Consuela. What are you still doing here? Peter Griffin: Yeah, we thought you finished cleaning hours ago. What are you still doing here? Consuela: I wait for rain to stop. Peter Griffin: It's time for you to go home. Consuela: No, it's too much rain. I stay. Peter Griffin: But it's supposed to rain all night. Consuela: Uh... I stay here? Peter Griffin: I'm not so sure about that. Consuela: I stay here. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 7: - Jerome Is the New Black Peter Griffin: Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty! Man #1: [cut to a man in his house, holding a York peppermint patty] Man #1: When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation... [he bites into the patty. Cut to him standing on a mountain] Man #1: OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP! Man #1: It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York peppermint patty, and still I have made no progress in finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York peppermint patty, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them. Man #2: ...OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 6: - Quagmire's Baby Lois Griffin: Have you decided on a name yet? Quagmire: Anna Lee. But I figure I'll just end up calling her Annal for short. Peter Griffin: That's funny Quagmire: Thank you |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Quagmire's Baby Peter Griffin: Now hold on, Quagmire. We don't know if this kid really is yours yet. Annaleigh Quagmire: Giggity. Quagmire: Oh... I say that. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us Peter Griffin: Here's my impression of John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims. |
| Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us Peter Griffin: Wow, I can't believe that we are having dinner with 2 of the 3 Ghost Busters. Chevy Chase: I wasn't in Ghostbusters. |
| Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us Peter Griffin: [Recurring line] Here's John Wayne at the first Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Pilgrims! |
| Season 8 / Episode 3: - Spies Reminiscent of Us Peter Griffin: Let me show you something that's funny. Okay here's an impression of John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving. Peter Griffin: I'm John Wayne on the first Thanksgiving pilgrims! Happy Thanksgiving pilgrims! Stewie Griffin: Hahaha, Where's this guy been? Dan Aykroyd: Well, Mr.Griffin, this has been a lot of fun. Chevy Chase: Lot of fun. Dan Aykroyd: But we've gotta get back over to our place and kind uh- do what... What do we have to do? Chevy Chase: Roll some joints and get high. Dan Aykroyd: Yeah, we gotta do those things. Peter Griffin: That's not funny. Drugs aren't funny. They ruin lives. Stewie Griffin: Amen. Dan Aykroyd: No Peter, *you're* not funny. Chevy Chase: I'm afraid Dan's right. You're not funny at all. Peter Griffin: I don't get it. Chevy Chase: You're painfully unfunny. Peter Griffin: Get the fuck out of my house! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Max: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight? |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it. |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash. |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be? Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you! |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew. |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do. Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not. |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Lois, what you're doing is wrong. I want you to get all this Jew food off the table. Lois Griffin: I most certainly will not! Peter Griffin: It's me or your religion, I'm a Catholic and I want to live in a Catholic house! Lois Griffin: Well, I'm a Jew and I want to live in a *nicer* house! |
| Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: [a Cutaway featuring Peter's "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" phase] Peter, you ready for dinner? Peter Griffin: [dressed as Parker Lewis] Oh, that's just like the Parker Lewis episode when Parker Lewis ate dinner. Lois Griffin: Peter, nobody cares about your cancelled show. Peter Griffin: Lois, Parker Lewis can't lose. Don't even *try* and make him lose 'cause it's just going to be that much more embarrassing for you when you realize that he can't lose. Chris Griffin: Would he win in a fight with Batman? Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, think about what you're saying; Parker Lewis *Can't lose*. Heretofore, Batman can suck on that. Chris Griffin: Suck on that? Suck on this; Tic-Tacs only have one and a half calories! Peter Griffin: Well Played. Chris Griffin: I love you, Dad. Peter Griffin: I love you too, son. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Well, that's our show. Thank you, Stephen King. We'll see you in court. Now stay tuned for whatever FOX is limping to the barn with. |
| Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Hi, it's me, Peter, your TV cartoon pal. You know, Lois has been bitching lately that I watch too much TV and don't read enough books. So I went to the library and picked up three books by the greatest author of the last thousand years, Stephen King. And tonight, I'd like to share them with you. We begin with a little tale called "Stand By Me", about four young boys who went looking for a dead body, and instead found... themselves... and also a dead body. |
| Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Hi. Welcome back from commercials. Joaquin Phoenix, if you're still watching, you are a good sport and a trooper. And you passed our test. And you can be our friend. And now for a segment we like a little less than the first and the last. Here's "Misery". |
| Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Everybody still awake? Alright, big finish. Now, you remember that Stephen King story where the guy went up to the empty hotel and there were those creepy twins and the guy was running around with that ax and the kid talked to his finger? Ah ha, can't you see Stewie doing that? Well, here's "The Shawshank Redemption". |
 | Season 7 / Episode 13: - Stew-roids Peter Griffin: Now pick that one up and put it down in the exact same spot. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it. Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES? Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud] |
| Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Cop: I will not put up with this. I'm a Family Guy! Peter Griffin: Ha! There, he said it! |
| Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets? Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it. |
| Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that. |
| Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Quagmire: I am offering a $50 reward about James to anyone who knows what happened to him, no questions asked. Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows? Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death! Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death? Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat! Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands! Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomably ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back! Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phonemes necessary to convey dread and terror! Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet! Woman: My baby's dead! Peter Griffin: It's over. |
| Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there. Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind? Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron. Megatron: Do as I command! Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez. |
| Next: Lois Griffin |
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