Peter Griffin

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Seth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his ...

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Peter Griffin Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Max: Becoming Jewish doesn't happen overnight. It's a process that involves spiritual education and good works. Peter Griffin: So, what you're saying is that it happens overnight?
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jews are gross, Lois. It's the only religion with the word 'ew' in it.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Lois, this family believes in the Easter bunny. He died for our sins in that helicopter crash.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be? Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Leave it to a Jew to take all the fun out of being a Jew.
	Season 7 / Episode 15: - Three Kings Peter Griffin: Now stay tuned to whatever FOX is limping to the barn with.
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it. Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES? Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows? Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death! Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death? Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat! Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands! Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomabily ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back! Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phoenemes necessary to convey dread and terror! Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet! Woman: My baby's dead! Peter Griffin: It's over.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there. Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind? Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron. Megatron: Do as I command! Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes you feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah, you're right, I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you... but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me; I'm not changing. I like... I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get. Chris Griffin: Haha, movie references.
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS. Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the sight of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: Hey there, Crashy. Whatcha doin' down there?
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: I can't believe fucking Jesus hasn't called me back. I left him a message like four hours ago.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend. Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way. Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone. Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him. Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois. Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad? Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard? Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Long John Peter Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl? Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: What?
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome. Brian Griffin: I think it's gay. Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay. Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay! Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Peter Griffin: It's just been revoked! Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here. Peter Griffin: Oh. I'll have what she's having! Brian Griffin: That's... better?
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. Ship's Captain: You're disgusting! Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. Peter Griffin: What girl? Lois Griffin: The lead in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio. Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Lois Griffin: No it wasn't! Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Peter Griffin: Boys there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe. It's the right thing to do. Like taking out Hitler.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Cleveland: [after falling into Spider-Man's net] Hey thanks Spider-Man. Spider-Man: Everybody gets one, isn't that right Peter? Peter Griffin: Yep Cleveland, apparently everybody gets one.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Peter Griffin: What did you do with your wheelchair? Joe: I gave it away. Chris Griffin: [cut to Chris speeding downhill in Joe's wheelchair, crashing through Mayor West's gate and landing in a flower bed] Whee! Adam West: My tulips! You dick.
	Season 6 / Episode 3: - Believe It Or Not, Joe's Walking On Air Quagmire: My God, Joe is running us ragged! Peter Griffin: Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job as Jackée Harry's personal grocery shopper. [Cutaway to a grocery store with Peter and Jackée Harry. Peter is holding a clipboard with shopping items listed on it, which he is reading from] Peter Griffin: A palette? Am-am I readin' this right? Y-You need a palette of chocolate-covered pretzels? Wh-wh-where the hell am i supposed to - a-an-an-and wh-what is this, a drum of grape jam? Is that - wh-what is that - is that like a drum like, they ship oil in? Is that - a-a-an-and wh-wh-wha - look at this one: A desk of Cheez-its. A desk - wh-where are you gettin' these units of measurements from? Jackée Harry: Mary. Peter Griffin: [laughs] That is still funny. Okay you stay right here, big funny gal, i'll be right back with... [reads from the clipboard] a hammock of cake.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires Peter Griffin: Well, Rusty, looks like we're gonna eat our way out of another jam.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - No Chris Left Behind Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have? Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... [eyes widen looking toward the window] oh... crap! [Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something? Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake. Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina. Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

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