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Peter Griffin Quotes
 | Season 11 / Episode 17: - Bigfat Lois Griffin: Peter, wake up. You're having a nightmare. Peter Griffin: [wakes up] Oh, Lois. Thank God it was just a dream. Hank Hill: Hey. Lois, what's that fat man doing in our bed? Hank Hill: Ah, damn it. I always wake up before I find out if they can understand the baby. |
 | Season 11 / Episode 15: - Turban Cowboy Peter Griffin: O.M.A.! |
 | Season 11 / Episode 2: - Ratings Guy Peter Griffin: J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possible can understand. What do you got? J.J. Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern-European town. Peter Griffin: Totally confused. Do it. |
| Season 11 / Episode 2: - Ratings Guy Peter Griffin: Okay. Mark Burnett, you did "Survivor" and "The Apprentice". Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiving things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money? Mark Burnett: I got some ideas. Here's a nickel. Pull down your pants. Mark Burnett: There's a show. Peter Griffin: Ah-ha! Go! |
| Season 11 / Episode 2: - Ratings Guy Peter Griffin: Okay. Dick Wolf, make the same "Law & Order" six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? 'Cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner. Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner? Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes. |
 | Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Peter Griffin: I don't know what I'm doin' here. I was just lookin' for the can. |
| Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Peter Griffin: [in the computer animated future] Hey Lois, I found some double-sided tape. I think I can do about seven minutes worth of funny stuff with it. That should get us to the "Meg Kissing Booth" story. |
| Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Peter Griffin: [in the computer animated future] Chris, I heard you got a D on your report card. Here's a cutaway. Peter Griffin: Matthew McConaughey is terrible. |
| Season 10 / Episode 5: - Road to the Pilot Brian Griffin: [in the pilot] Woah, ass ahoy. Hey, uh, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still got your pants on. What's the occasion? Stewie Griffin: Ew, I remember this. Peter's eye did that weird creepy thing where it went over his nose. Peter Griffin: [in the pilot] Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'. Lois Griffin: [in the pilot] Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church? Stewie Griffin: Ah, ew, gross look at that! Brian Griffin: Wait, what are they doing? Stewie Griffin: I dunno, they're just... standing there like zombies. Brian Griffin: Do you think they're all right? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm not sure. Lois Griffin: [from the pilot] And then there was that time at the ice cream store. [the Griffins stand silently for a few more seconds] Brian Griffin: They're doing it again, what the hell? Stewie Griffin: I'm-I'm-I'm at a loss. Brian Griffin: I know we're not supposed to mess with the timeline, but should we... call an ambulance? [pause] Stewie Griffin: That is so creepy. Brian Griffin: [from the pilot, emerging from behind the table] And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see "Philadelphia"? [they stand around again] Stewie Griffin: Oh, they're-they're doi-they're setting up goddamn cutaways. Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, is that what we did back then? Stewie Griffin: Yeah, now we just return text messages and screw around and whatnot. Peter Griffin: Lois, I'm not goin' back to work tomorrow! That new boss has it in for me! He's meaner than a shifty salesman. Lois Griffin: You sure you got time to smoke? Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, it's an Al Harrington, it goes on for a while. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 13: - Trading Places Peter Griffin: I think we should go live with mom. Stewie Griffin: [from behind the wall] I just heard all of that, and I just want to say: this family is fucking disintegrating. |
| Season 9 / Episode 13: - Trading Places Peter Griffin: I guess we've learned that no matter who you are or where you come from, life is a terrible thing. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 11: - German Guy Lois Griffin: I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant. I don't even know how that's scientifically possible! Peter Griffin: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, finds a way. |
 | Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Greg: My name is Greg, and, uh, I'm an alcoholic. One fateful night, I, uh, got behind the wheel of my brand new sports car, blind drunk. I was responsible for the death on an innocent, 8-year-old girl. Peter Griffin: What kind? Greg: What? Peter Griffin: What kind of car? You said you had a sports car. That's cool, but what kind? Greg: It was a Miata. Peter Griffin: Oh, come on! That's not a sports car. H-how does that even kill a kid? What-cha what-cha do, hit her over the head with it? Greg: That's a legitimate sports car! Peter Griffin: No. Next! |
| Season 9 / Episode 10: - Friends of Peter G Lois Griffin: Oh, there you boys are. How was your meeting? Brian Griffin: 29 more and we're done, That's how it was. Lois Griffin: Well, that doesn't sound like the right attitude. Peter Griffin: Lois, you weren't there. It was awful! Just a bunch of losers telling boring stories: "My drinking ruined my marriage," "My drinking ruined my family," "My drinking ruined my TV show, '24.'" |
 | Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Brian Griffin: What if it's rape? Peter Griffin: Well she shouldn't have asked me for directions. Brian Griffin: What? |
| Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Peter Griffin: I can't believe she went ahead and did it, after I specifically told her how I felt. Brian Griffin: Well clearly she believed it was within her right to... [begins sniffing the air] Lois just peed on something. Glen Quagmire: Hey Brian, you picking up on that? Brian Griffin: Yep. |
| Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Peter Griffin: I'm here to save the unborn Brian. After their born they can go fuck themselves |
| Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Lois Griffin: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure, havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return. Peter Griffin: We had the abortion. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 20: - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Peter Griffin: Well, let's see Robot Chicken top this one. Chris Griffin: Actually, I think they did a pretty good job with that already, Dad. Peter Griffin: Well, I'll have to take your word for it. I don't watch Comedy Central. Chris Griffin: It's on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim, Dad. I'm pretty sure you know that. Peter Griffin: I don't know that. I haven't seen that show in a while and I don't know that anyone else has. Chris Griffin: Oh, I think plenty of people have. Their fans are pretty loyal to them. Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? All forty-two of them? Chris Griffin: [sighs] I'm not gonna let you get to me this time, Dad. I'm not gonna let you get to me. Peter Griffin: Well, maybe I got time for another story, then. It's called Without a Paddle. Chris Griffin: Fuck you, Dad! |
| Season 8 / Episode 20: - Something, Something, Something, Dark Side Peter Griffin: Christina Richi was tied up for some reason Stewie Griffin: I'm already bored and confused! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out. Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it. Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither. Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke! Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter. Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again. |
| Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source Peter Griffin: Cleveland? Cleveland Brown: Hey, fellas. Peter Griffin: Holy crap! Who knew we'd run into you, except everyone 'cause FOX ruined it in the promos. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 12: - Extra Large Medium Peter Griffin: I shall now channel the ghost of Lou Costello, who will guide us to this soul in distress. Peter Griffin: Hi everybody it's me Lou Costello! Alright, what's the name of the guy we're looking for? Joe Swanson: Well, he's an Asian fellow, Melvin Hu. Peter Griffin: That's what I want to find out. Joe Swanson: What? Peter Griffin: The name of the guy. Joe Swanson: Melvin Hu. Peter Griffin: Are you a cop? Joe Swanson: Yeah. Peter Griffin: You handling this case? Joe Swanson: Yeah. Peter Griffin: Then what's the name of the guy? Joe Swanson: Hu! Peter Griffin: The guy we're looking for. Joe Swanson: Hu! Peter Griffin: The guy who's buried. Joe Swanson: Hu! Peter Griffin: The guy with the bomb. Joe Swanson: Hu! Peter Griffin: What street does he live on? Joe Swanson: First. Peter Griffin: [Explosion in the background. Melvin Hu's severed leg and rubble fall in front of Joe and Peter] Yeah, I'm not psychic. |
| Season 8 / Episode 12: - Extra Large Medium Joe Swanson: All right, Peter, we know the victim is somewhere in this area. We don't have much time before the bomb... Peter Griffin: [shushes Joe] Okay, Joe, when I'm tracking someone, it often helps to touch something that belongs to the victim. Does he have a wife? Joe Swanson: Uh, yeah. Peter Griffin: Yeah, uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. [She walks away] It's still very fuzzy. Does he have a daughter? [the daughter, a fat, unattractive teenager walks up] Yeah, I see. Does he have maybe, like a thinner, hotter daughter? Joe Swanson: Well, yes, but she's only twelve. Peter Griffin: Okay. Like a young twelve or, like a "she eats a lot of milk products so she got her boobs early" twelve? Which is a real thing, by the way. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 11: - Dial Meg for Murder Peter Griffin: Hold on Lois, this is some serious parenting. I'm going to go put on my Cosby sweater. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus Peter Griffin: [Reading blurbs on the box to 'Pretty Woman] This movie made me laugh so hard I had mild headaches. So, I went to the doctor and got myself checked out. I'm currently waiting results- Gene Siskel |
| Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Chris Griffin: Yay! Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke! Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor? Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God! Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful. Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with? Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg. Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny. Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*! Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg! Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 9: - Business Guy Peter Griffin: Does the name Lacey Chabert mean anything to you? |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - Business Guy Dr. Gregory House: House. Peter Griffin: Road House. Dr. Gregory House: That too. |
| Season 8 / Episode 9: - Business Guy Peter Griffin: That fart that I have for three... can you push that up to now? |
| Next: Lois Griffin |
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