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Meg Griffin Quotes
 | Season 9 / Episode 13: - Trading Places Meg Griffin: Chris, look at what you did! Chris Griffin: You mean, look at what 2 black teenagers did when they stole Dad's bike. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Meg Griffin: I can do it! Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. Stewie Griffin: WHAT? Lois Griffin: I'm kidding. Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool! |
| Season 8 / Episode 21: - Partial Terms of Endearment Meg Griffin: I can do it! Lois Griffin: Oh come on Meg, it was hard enough on your body when you gave birth to Stewie. Stewie Griffin: WHAT? Lois Griffin: I'm kidding. Stewie Griffin: Ohh, not cool! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 19: - The Splendid Source Lois Griffin: Well, peter I'm glad you and the guys finally found what you were looking for. Peter Griffin: We did. It's just sad that 230 people had to die in the most gruesome way imaginable. But our idle curiosity was satisfied so everything worked out. Brian Griffin: Peter, you went halfway around the world for this joke but I never even got to hear it. Meg Griffin: Yeah, me neither. Chris Griffin: Yeah, come on dad! Tell the joke! Peter Griffin: Alright, you guys want to hear it? Alright so this chick goes on a date with this guy she wants to fuck but she's worried cause she's got, like a huge vagina from fucking so many other guys so she gets a piece of liverwurst and shoves it up in her vagina so that when he fucks her it'll feel tighter. Lois Griffin: Peter, maybe this isn't family conversation. Peter Griffin: No wait, Lois shut the fuck up. So she puts the liverwurst in her vagina, goes home with the guy, fucks him, everything seems fine. She wakes up the next morning and he's gone and he's left her a note that says, "Thank you for a lovely evening. However, I don't think this is going to work out. P.S. Your vagina is in the sink." Now I'm gonna leave the room now as I have just shit myself again. |
 | Season 8 / Episode 11: - Dial Meg for Murder Meg Griffin: [Deep gruff voice] You're all my bitches now! Stewie Griffin: ...ok |
 | Season 8 / Episode 10: - Big Man on Hippocampus Peter Griffin: If sex with the rest of you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine. Chris Griffin: Yay! Lois Griffin: Well, no. No, Peter, you can't have sex with the kids. Meg Griffin: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. Meg Griffin: It was a joke! I was just making a joke! Stewie Griffin: *That's* your sense of humor? Meg Griffin: I was just kidding. God! Lois Griffin: Meg, that's awful. Chris Griffin: Jeez, you open your mouth for a joke once, and *that's* what you come up with? Brian Griffin: That's messed up, Meg. Meg Griffin: I was just trying to be funny. Lois Griffin: That wasn't funny. That was just dark. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, that's your *father*! Chris Griffin: Oh, get out, Meg! Chris Griffin: Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out! Out! Out! Out of the kitchen! Go on! Get out of here! |
 | Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Meg Griffin: Mom, is sodomy illegal if you're Jewish? Lois Griffin: I hope so, Meg. I really do. Peter Griffin: [Peter looks at Lois, squinting his eyes] It's not, Lois. It's not. |
 | Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Meg Griffin, Peter Griffin, Chris Griffin, Lois Griffin: [New Brian has fallen asleep] Aww Peter Griffin: Look at him sleep. Meg Griffin: I wonder what he's dreaming about. Peter Griffin: Shut up Meg. New Brian: [toots quietly] Peter Griffin: Oh! Did you hear that? Chris Griffin: He farted! Peter Griffin: Just like in the song! Brian Griffin: [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart] Peter Griffin: Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now! |
 | Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Meg Griffin: I love you, Jesus! Jesus Christ: I love you too, fella. |
| Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone. Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him. Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois. Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad? Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard? Stewie Griffin: Fuck! |
 | Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Meg Griffin: Supervisor? Carl: Yeah... I promoted him this morning. Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning! Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job! Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?" Meg Griffin: No. Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair! Carl: Alright, then... you're fired. Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca... Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Mary Stewart Masterson. Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu. Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her. Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying. Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu? Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot. Carl: I don't see hard films. Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes. Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?" Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah. Carl: She was in that. Chris Griffin: She... was in that. Carl: Yeah. |
| Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race! Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too. Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met! Carl: Yeah. Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me. Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me. Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy! Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them. Carl: Chris... Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves] Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?" Chris Griffin: No. Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in. Chris Griffin: No way! Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie. Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film. Carl: Was she hot in it? Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know? Carl: No. Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it? Carl: Wow... you're smart. Chris Griffin: Wha... What? |
 | Season 6 / Episode 1: - Blue Harvest Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? Peter Griffin: I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it. Peter Griffin: Oh really? Define "decent." Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Peter Griffin: Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch. Peter Griffin: Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. Chris Griffin: I don't know about that, Dad. Peter Griffin: And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Chris Griffin: Oh, so you do know the show! Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh? Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound? Meg Griffin: That's not right. Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...? Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am! Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it? Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves] Peter Griffin: She's the jerk. |
| Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy. Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy. Lois Griffin: Excuse us. Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back. Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him. Brian Griffin: Tragic. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay. Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Connie D'Amico: Excuse me? Meg Griffin: Brian let's just go. Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark? |
| Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Meg Griffin: Hi, honey. [to Brian] Brian Griffin: What? Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is. Brian Griffin: Yeahhh Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend! Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!" Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear. Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon! Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do? Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon! Chris Griffin: Masturbate? Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together. Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this. |
| Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile. [uses the H in "while"] Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say? Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile." Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: A wHile. Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: A wHile. Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd. Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it! |
| Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Meg Griffin: Hey Brian! Brian Griffin: Hey Meg! Listen, I hope you feel alright about our talk the other day. You know, about us being just friends and all. Meg Griffin: Oh, yeah, no. I'm fine, I'm fine. And hey, I wanted to thank you for being so great to me, so I baked you a pie. Brian Griffin: Oh wow. Hey that looks delicious. Mmm, oh, this is good. What's in there? Meg Griffin: Well, there's some apples and some cinnamon... and my hair. Brian Griffin: What? Meg Griffin: My hair's in the pie Brian. And now, it's inside of you. Part of me, is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do feel me inside of you? |
 | Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk Meg Griffin: Mom! Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR! Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers? Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 3: - Hell Comes to Quahog Meg Griffin: Mr. Fatass and his drunk friends left me at the skating rink. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 27: - The Griffin Family History Meg Griffin: So... is, uh, is this like the part where you guys have your way with me? Robber 1: What...? Meg Griffin: You know, where I'm like helpless, and you guys take turns... you know? Robber 1: OH, NO! Oh, God! Oh, no, no no no! Robber 2: [from another room] What'd she say? Robber 1: She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Robber 2: Ewww! Meg Griffin: No, seriously, I won't scream or anything. [leans in for a kiss] Robber 1: No! No, I, I... no, no sale! Meg Griffin: [jumps on him on the floor] C'mon! I'm pretty! Robber 2: Are you okay? Robber 1: Yeah, I was so scared. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg? Brian Griffin: I don't know. Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her. Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that. Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her! Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. Lois Griffin: I know, but... Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE? Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam? Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date. Meg Griffin: Dad! Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving. Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me. Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady? Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks. Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher? |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house? |
| Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model. Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Chris Griffin: Me, too. Meg Griffin: Me, too. Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother. Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in. Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house. Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now! [Meg runs out] |
 | Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Peter Griffin: Yes, and we should do nothing to draw attention to ourselves as outsiders... Peter Griffin: [Points at Asian guy] Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan. Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies. Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, its Ethan Hawke. Peter Griffin: Uh,no i'm not. Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake. Jackie Chan: [At Chris] Jackie Chan: Oh, my god, it's Ethan Hawke. Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go get some food? Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle. Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy. Jackie Chan: Yes you are! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Meg Griffin: You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch! |
 | Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad. Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, idiot! Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter! |
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