Meg Griffin

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Played by:

Mila Kunis

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Meg Griffin Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Meg Griffin: I love you, Jesus! Jesus Christ: I love you too, fella.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone. Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him. Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois. Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad? Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard? Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Meg Griffin: Supervisor? Chris Griffin: Yeah... I promoted him this morning. Chris Griffin: Promoted me this morning! Meg Griffin: What? Carl... you promised me that assistant manager job! Carl: Uh... Meg, things change. Hey, you ever see "Broken Lizard's Club Dread?" Meg Griffin: No. Carl: Well... go see that movie and absorb it's message and you'll get the gist of what I'm talking about. Meg Griffin: Carl... this isn't fair! Carl: Alright, then... you're fired. Meg Griffin: What? Bu... you ca... Carl: Don' worry about it Chris, she'll be fine. Oh... hey... by the way... You know who's hot in kind of a screwed up way? Marry Stewart Masterson. Chris Griffin: Yeah, yeah... in that kinda you think you could get her 'cause she could be your brother kinda thing... like she's gettable. Ya' know. Like, like, like, Elizabeth Shu. Carl: Oh, yeah, I remember her. Chris Griffin: Yeah, ya' know she was in "Leaving Las Vegas" in addition to "Adventures In Babysitting." One of those under rated actresses who never really popped, if ya' know what I'm saying. Carl: Who? Elizabeth Shu? Chris Griffin: Yeah. Like totally naked in "Leaving Las Vegas," but... um... still so hot. Carl: I don't see hard films. Chris Griffin: Like crazy hot... It's like 39 minutes 45 seconds in. Really exceptional sequence, I mean, Nick Cage is poisoning himself with alcohol, he's a failed writer who just decides hey I'm gonna have a big glass a' rye in Las Vegas. Then he, meets a whore and pays her a bunch a' money to stay with him, and have sex with him while he murders himself slowly. And she's game for it, but she catches his feeling midway through and the whole thing changes. Carl: Wow. Have you seen "Cocktail?" Chris Griffin: Yeah... yeah. Carl: She was in that. Chris Griffin: She... was in that. Carl: Yeah.
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Chris Griffin: Wow! You were almost in a dirt-bike race! Carl: Yeah... I filled out most of the paper work, too. Chris Griffin: You are the coolest guy I have ever met! Carl: Yeah. Meg Griffin: [walks on screen] Hey guys! Chris, I need you to stack the boxes in the back for me. Carl: Ah... ya know what, Meg? Why don't you do that? I need Chris up here with me. Meg Griffin: But the boxes are really heavy! Carl: Uh... that's 'cause there's a bunch a' stuff in them. Carl: Chris... Chris Griffin: [starts laughing as if on cue] Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. Meg Griffin: [sighs and leaves] Carl: Hey... Chris... have you ever seen the movie "Cruel Intentions?" Chris Griffin: No. Carl: Selma Blair and Sarah Michelle Gellar make out... it's pretty hot. 47 minutes, 16 seconds in. Chris Griffin: No way! Carl: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you know what another good movie is, "Career Opportunities" with Jennifer Connoly. I mean, that's one of those movies where... she's... really hot in it... but it's also a good movie. Chris Griffin: She was in "A Beautiful Mind" and I gotta say the direction was excellent but I was very disappointed that she... uh... wore clothes the entire film. Carl: Was she hot in it? Chris Griffin: Yeah, in the way that like classy women with expensive clothing, who never take them off are hot. Ya' know? Carl: No. Chris Griffin: Alright... so ya' see a hot girl, and you're like okay... I appreciate your exterior beauty because you've definitely worked at it with the clothing... and the jewlery and the make-up. But, secretly I'm like... hey man... where is the chase, and how do I cut to it? Carl: Wow... you're smart. Chris Griffin: Wha... What?
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - Blue Harvest Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad. Thanks for keeping us entertained. That was a great story. Chris (Luke Skywalker): Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago? Peter (Han Solo): I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I don't think people are even aware of that show's existence. Chris (Luke Skywalker): Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it. Peter (Han Solo): Oh really? Define "decent." Chris (Luke Skywalker): I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience. Peter (Han Solo): Well yeah, but double ten people is like twenty people, so what kind of numbers are we talking about here? Chris (Luke Skywalker): Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show and they beat you to the punch. Peter (Han Solo): Uh, I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me, a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks. Chris (Luke Skywalker): I don't know about that, Dad. Peter (Han Solo): And besides, what's up with that fifteen minute runtime? What is that? That's like fifteen minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Chris (Luke Skywalker): Oh, so you do know the show! Peter (Han Solo): I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh? Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound? Meg Griffin: That's not right. Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...? Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am! Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it? Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves] Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy. Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy. Lois Griffin: Excuse us. Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back. Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him. Brian Griffin: Tragic.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Connie D'Amico: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay. Brian Griffin: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch. Connie D'Amico: Excuse me? Meg Griffin: Brian let’s just go. Brian Griffin: No, no, no hang on, hang on. You see Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve and now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body is used up by age 19 you're going to be a worn out, chalky skinned burlap sack that even your step dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Meg Griffin: Hi, honey. [to Brian] Brian Griffin: What? Meg Griffin: I was thinking about our kiss last night. I never knew how flat and wide your tongue is. Brian Griffin: Yeahhh Meg Griffin: You know, I've thought about how you stood up for me at the dance, and all the nice things you said. We should totally be boyfriend and girlfriend! Brian Griffin: Well Meg, you know, it's strange... I... I think I may be gay. um, I saw this penis on the internet today, and I thought to myself, "Well that's just fine!" Meg Griffin: I'm going to the mall the later, maybe you can come and help me pick out some underwear. Brian Griffin: Uhh, I don't think that's going to be a possibility, uhhh, I have plans, with Chris! Chris and I have plans this afternoon! Chris Griffin: [Chris walks by] We do? Brian Griffin: Yeah, yeah! We're doing that thing, we're doing what you usually do on a Thursday afternoon! Chris Griffin: Masturbate? Brian Griffin: That's it, that's what we're going to do together. Chris Griffin: Well, maybe back to back, but I gotta tell you, I'm not 100% on this.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Meg Griffin: Just relax, Brian. We're going to be here for a wHile. [uses the H in "while"] Brian Griffin: Wait, what did you say? Meg Griffin: I said, "We're going to be here for a wHile." Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: A wHile. Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: A wHile. Brian Griffin: A while. Meg Griffin: Brian, you're acting whierd. Brian Griffin: Oh, come on! That one doesn't even have an H in it!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk Meg Griffin: Mom! Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR! Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers? Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis.
	Season 4 / Episode 27: - The Griffin Family History Meg Griffin: So... is, uh, is this like the part where you guys have your way with me? Robber 1: What...? Meg Griffin: You know, where I'm like helpless, and you guys take turns... you know? Robber 1: OH, NO! Oh, God! Oh, no, no no no! Robber 2: [from another room] What'd she say? Robber 1: She asked if we were gonna have our way with her. Robber 2: Ewww! Meg Griffin: No, seriously, I won't scream or anything. [leans in for a kiss] Robber 1: No! No, I, I... no, no sale! Meg Griffin: [jumps on him on the floor] C'mon! I'm pretty! Robber 2: Are you okay? Robber 1: Yeah, I was so scared.
	Season 4 / Episode 26: - Petergeist Lois Griffin: Wait a minute, where's Meg? Brian Griffin: I don't know. Stewie Griffin: I didn't see her. Chris Griffin: Yeah, I kinda thought you guys would attend to that. Lois Griffin: Peter, you got to go back and get her! Peter Griffin: Oh, yeah, right, like I'm going back for Meg. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: Lois, damn it, we both agreed, remember? If we could only save two, we leave Meg. Lois Griffin: I know, but... Meg Griffin: [Meg enters car, furious] YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME IN THERE? Peter Griffin: Okay, see? It resolved itself.
	Season 4 / Episode 11: - Peter's Got Woods Peter Griffin: So, Brian, you ready to go play some darts at the Clam? Brian Griffin: Oh, sorry, Peter, I can't make it tonight. I have a date. Meg Griffin: Dad! Peter Griffin: But you were supposed to drive tonight! What am I supposed to do? If I drive, I'll have to have a bunch of drinks first, because I am very self-conscious about my driving. Stewie Griffin: Oh, you've got a date. What's his name? HA! Do you see? Do you see that? Do you see what I did? I made it seem as though you were a homosexual. That's funny to me. Lois Griffin: How exciting, Brian! So, who's the lucky lady? Brian Griffin: Well, um, actually her name is Shauna Parks. Lois Griffin: Meg's teacher?
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Meg Griffin: Dad, how could you be okay with mom parading herself around like this? I'm mean she's half-naked. It makes all women look bad. Peter Griffin: Meg, who let you back in the house?
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Lois Griffin: I'm gonna become a model. Peter Griffin: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois. And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Chris Griffin: Me, too. Meg Griffin: Me, too. Peter Griffin: Oh, God. Meg, that's sick. That's your mother. Meg Griffin: I'm just trying to fit in. Peter Griffin: Get out. Get out of this house. Peter Griffin: [punches the wall] I said now! [Meg runs out]
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Peter Griffin: We need to try divert the fact that were outsiders. Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan. Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan. Peter Griffin: Oh, my god, it's Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan: Hi, there. Nice to meet a fan of my movies. [to Peter] Oh, my god, its Ethen Hawke. Peter Griffin: No i'm not. Jackie Chan: Sorry my mistake. [At Chris] Oh, my god, it's Eathen Hawke. Meg Griffin: Mom, can we go now? Jackie Chan: [to Meg] Oh, my god it's, Malcom In Middle. Meg Griffin: I'm not a boy. Jackie Chan: Yes you are!
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Meg Griffin: You can't sell me you fat son of a bitch!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded Chris Griffin: My dad's smarter than your dad. Meg Griffin: We have the same dad, idiot! Chris Griffin: Yeah, but mine's smarter!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded Meg Griffin: I can't believe this is happening to me! I can never go back to school again! Stewie Griffin: Oh, yes, Meg. Yes-yes-yes, everything was going swimmingly for you until this. Yes, yes, THIS is the thing that will ruin your reputation, not you years of grotesque appearance or awkward social graces, or that Felix Unger-ish way you clear your sinuses. No, no, it's THIS. Do you hear yourself talk? I might kill you tonight.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Meg Griffin: I got a makeover, dad. Don't I look great? Peter Griffin: Oh, Meg, honey, I always thought you looked beautiful just the way... [breaks into laughter] Couldn't do that with a straight face! Oh, welcome to the family, sweetheart. Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Dr. Diddy: Let me explain something to you, all right? We got to get her half-naked and put her up front center stage. That's gonna make you all billionaires, because America loves hot white jailbait ass. Peter Griffin: Wait a minute... that's the smartest thing I've ever heard anyone say about anything. Lois Griffin: I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg being exploited that way. Meg Griffin: Shut up, mom! It's not your decision, I want to be exploited.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Meg Griffin: Wow, Jimmy, that was everything Ladies' Home Journal said it would be.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad! He used me for comedy! Peter Griffin: Wait a minute, are you telling me that my daughter was deflowered in front of one-and-a-half times the MADtv audience?
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Meg Griffin: Lois, get me another bag of Skittles. Lois Griffin: Excuse me, young lady? Meg Griffin: Did I freakin' stutter? I said, MORE SKITTLES!
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Don't Make Me Over Meg Griffin: Mom, Dad, am I ugly? Lois Griffin: Oh, of course not, sweetie. Peter Griffin: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that? Meg Griffin: Craig Hoffman. Peter Griffin: Craig Hoff... [pauses] Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You may be ugly.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - Fast Times at Buddy Cianci Jr. High Lois Griffin: So, Chris, what's the latest with your little girlfriend? Chris Griffin: Oh, I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all. Lois Griffin: Mrs. Lockhart? Your teacher? Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, this is not my Batman glass. Lois Griffin: Peter, are you listening? Chris has a crush on his teacher. Meg Griffin: Ew, gross! Stewie Griffin: You know what else is gross? AAHH! BROKE A DAMN BLOOD VESSEL!
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother? Peter Griffin: Hey. Nice job out there tonight, Chris. You wiped the floor with that towel. Chris Griffin: Yo! Did y'all check me when that hottie was all up in my Kool-Aid? Yeah. I was looking to break off a little somethin'-somethin' but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling. Lois Griffin: Peter, what's wrong? Peter Griffin: He's speaking in tongues, Lois! Our son is possessed! [hands a book to Meg] Meg, start at Psalm 41 and don't start reading until I tell you! [sprays holy water on Chris] The power of Christ compels you! Peter Griffin: The power of Christ compels you! Lois Griffin: Peter, stop! He's not possessed! Meg Griffin: Yeah, he's just talking street. Lots of kids do it. Peter Griffin: Oh. Well, that's kinda weird. Lois Griffin: Peter, it's just a phase. You've gone through a few yourself, you know. Brian Griffin: Yeah, like those two weeks you spent narrating your own life. Peter Griffin: I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course, I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow, I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately, I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with a long fatigue of a weary life. Peter Griffin: I awoke several hours later in a daze.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Emission Impossible Chris Griffin: Meg won't stop pushing me! Meg Griffin: Like I could, fat ass! Chris Griffin: I'm not fat, I'm Rubenesque!

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