Lois Griffin

Family Guy

- Character Guide

Characters: #2 of 28 (Full List)

+ Add to My Characters

Played by:

Alex Borstein

« Back to Character Profile

Lois Griffin Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose? Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: Thank you!
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'? [pause] Penis. [another pause] Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it. Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, whose your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES? Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on? [laughs out loud]
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Lois Griffin: Is there a reason all the horses are named after cancelled Fox shows? Announcer: Kitchen Confidential is in the lead, followed by The Wedding Bells, followed by Happy Hour, followed by The War at Home, followed by Drive, followed by The Winner, followed by Life on a Stick, followed by The Loop, followed by Head Cases, followed by Standoff, followed by Vanished, followed by Free Ride, followed by Method and Red, followed by Tru Calling, followed by Quintuplets, followed by Stacked, followed by Justice, followed by North Shore, followed by Back to You. And bringing up in the rear, but somehow, still in the race, is 'Til Death! Lois Griffin: You named your horse 'Til Death? Peter Griffin: You know why? 'Cause I'm gonna take this horse and shove it down America's throat! Announcer: What's this? It looks like 'Til Death has taken a right turn and is heading into the stands! Announcer: Dear, God! I could describe the horror I am witnessing, but it is so fathomabily ugly and heartrending that I cannot bring myself to do so, although I do possess the necessary descriptive powers. Oh, well, at least the horse ran past the class of visiting deaf second graders. Oh, no! Dear, God! He's going back! Announcer: Oh, I know you can't hear any screams, but I assure you, they are signing frantically just as fast their little fingers can shape the complicated phoenemes necessary to convey dread and terror! Peter Griffin: Wait a sec! Hold the phone! He's going back towards the track! Fellas, this race ain't over, yet! Woman: My baby's dead! Peter Griffin: It's over.
	Season 7 / Episode 8: - Family Gay Meg Griffin: So, we're just like never gonna talk about this, again? Peter Griffin: That's right, sweetie. Lois Griffin: Well, I'm just happy to have your father home, again. Peter Griffin: Yeah, and thank God, everything's back to normal. Mort Goldman: Take back your fucking horse!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Can you believe the way JEsus is treating me? I thought he was my friend. Lois Griffin: Look. Fame and success do crazy things to people Peter. I'm sure deep down he's the same old Jesus. He just needs to figure that out in his own way. Peter Griffin: Maybe, but one things for sure Lois. None of this wouldn't have happened if somebody hadn't stolen my fucking Surfin' Bird record!
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Peter Griffin: Well I guess that's it then. Jesus is gone. Lois Griffin: I sure am gonna miss him. Peter Griffin: Me too. Although he did give me something right before he disappeared. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: Something very special Lois. Meg Griffin: What is it, Dad? Peter Griffin: What you haven't heard? Stewie Griffin: Fuck!
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Long John Peter Lois Griffin: You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl? Peter Griffin: Well... define "Chris".
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Lois Griffin: I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience. Peter Griffin: You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: What?
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome. Brian Griffin: I think it's gay. Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay. Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay! Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Ship's Captain: I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to bar you from the aft section of the ship for the rest of the cruise. Lois Griffin: Oh, we are so sorry. Peter, what the hell did you think you were doing? Peter Griffin: Lois, it is called the "poop deck." That is why I pooped there. Ship's Captain: You're disgusting! Peter Griffin: And you're misleading.
	Season 6 / Episode 4: - Stewie Kills Lois (1) Peter Griffin: Boy this is romantic, isn't it, Lois? Lois Griffin: It sure is, sweetie. I feel like that fat-ass British girl from Titanic. Peter Griffin: What girl? Lois Griffin: The lead in Titanic. The one opposite Leonardo Di Caprio. Peter Griffin: Sweetheart, that was a guy. Lois Griffin: What? Peter Griffin: That was a guy. That was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Lois Griffin: No it wasn't! Peter Griffin: Yes it was, honey. It was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Look at you out here on a big trip.
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Lois Griffin: Oh, hi, Brian. I thought you were spending the day with Jillian. Brian: I was, but Peter took her off my hands. Perfect timing; I've been feeling a little smothered lately. Plus, it's given me a chance to work on my novel. And I finally have a title. Lois Griffin: Oh, what is it? Brian: Faster Than the Speed of Love. Lois Griffin: [chuckles] That is... that is the worst title I've ever heard. Brian: No, i-it's the story of a boy who has to rescue his father, who's a pilot that's been taken captive by a militant Islamic country. Lois Griffin: [laughs] That's the movie Iron Eagle! Brian: What? Is that-is that a recent film? Lois Griffin: [still laughing] They made three sequels! Brian: Yeah, well, i-in mine the boy's gotta gather all these old World War II pilots to help him rescue his father. Lois Griffin: [laughing harder] That's one of the sequels! [she takes her laundry and leaves the room laughing] Brian: Well-well, in mine, one of the World War II guys is Japanese, but they accept him anyway! Lois Griffin: [off camera; laughing hysterically] I'm gonna pee my pants!
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [starts laughing] book! Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on! Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me! Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my wang.
	Season 5 / Episode 16: - No Chris Left Behind Lois Griffin: You know, I have to admit that I've always been a little worried about Chris, but, I just convinced myself things would work out for him. But with no education, what kind of future could he possibly have? Peter Griffin: Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois? It's not like the high school will take him back. And every other school we've tried just doesn't... [eyes widen looking toward the window] oh... crap! [Ernie the Giant Chicken stands outside the window and tackles Peter and another fight occurs between them]
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois, did you say something? Lois Griffin: Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake. Stewie Griffin: [undercover in drag] None for me, thanks; it's gonna go straight to my vagina. Stewie Griffin: [aside to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - Boys Do Cry Stewie Griffin: What the hell are we doing here? What is this place? Lois Griffin: Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie. This is what you do in Texas. Stewie Griffin: Ah, yes... lovely. A first-class ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.
	Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Peter Griffin: I can't do it. I can't go through with it. Lois Griffin: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage! Peter Griffin: Screw our marriage, I love you!
	Season 5 / Episode 13: - Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey Lois Griffin: [reluctantly] Would you sleep with Peter? Lois' Mom (Barbara): [definitively] Of course dear.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Lois Griffin: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh? Peter Griffin: Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound? Meg Griffin: That's not right. Peter Griffin: So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...? Meg Griffin: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am! Lois Griffin: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it? Meg Griffin: I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks! [leaves] Peter Griffin: She's the jerk.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Peter's Two Dads Meg Griffin: I can't believe Grandpa's dead. Lois Griffin: Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy. Brian Griffin: It is a tragedy. Lois Griffin: Excuse us. Brian Griffin: Yeah, we'll be right back. Lois Griffin: We're all gonna miss him. Brian Griffin: Tragic.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Road to Rupert Lois Griffin: Who wants a glass of fresh lemonade? Peter Griffin: Not me! What I want is a fresh glass of better daughter! [Peter splashes Meg with lemonade]
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - Barely Legal Lois Griffin: Ugh! This is even worse than when you ate that bubblegum out of the garbage. Lois Griffin: Brian, did you get into the garbage last night? Brian Griffin: [nervous and obviously lying] Uh... no, why? Lois Griffin: [irritated] Don't lie to me, Brian. Brian Griffin: I'm not lying.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Lois Griffin: Meg Griffin, we need to have a talk Meg Griffin: Mom! Lois Griffin: OH, MY, GOD!, you kids were doing it... in the EAR! Brian Griffin: Hey, my sandwich tastes funny. Is there something wrong with my Smuckers? Peter Griffin: [from his room] Yeah, it's been on my penis.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Lois Griffin: Look Meg, A, Ear sex is just unnatural, and B, how do I say this, vaginal intercourse is... it... its just tops! It's the bee's knees Meg. Oh, when your rattle it around just right, oh my god! I mean, you remember when we had that old car with the bad shocks, and I used to take the old dirt road on purpose! Meg! Meg? Brian Griffin: I love you!
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Prick Up Your Ears Peter Griffin: [after sex] Ah, that was great. Where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back? Lois Griffin: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug. Peter Griffin: What?
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois Lois Griffin: Peter, my God, you look terrible. What happened? Peter Griffin: [Slowly] I was raped. Lois Griffin: [Chuckles] What? Peter Griffin: Doctor Hartman violated me. He took my innocence. Lois Griffin: [Chuckles harder] W-What? [Peter whispers in her ear] Lois Griffin: Peter, that's a prostate exam. It's an important part of a physical for men your age. Peter Griffin: You sound just like him! [Runs off, sobbing] Lois Griffin: Fuckin' idiot.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois Stewie Griffin: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma! Lois Griffin: WHAT! Stewie Griffin: Hi. [Runs off giggling]
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Stewie Loves Lois Lois Griffin: Oh my God! What's happening to me? I'm like that Texas woman who gave her son brain damage by holding him under water. [gasps] I'm just like Barbara Bush!

« previous12 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 next »

Previous: Peter Griffin

Next: Stewie Griffin

» Back to Family Guy TV Show