Joe Swanson

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Played by:

Patrick Warburton

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Joe Swanson Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Joe Swanson: Guys... put the money back and get outta there. Peter Griffin: What? Are you out of your mind? Joe Swanson: Tell him, Megatron. Megatron: Do as I command! Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, jeez.
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou Peter Griffin: [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe? Joe Swanson: Don't say it Peter. Peter Griffin: No I was just wondering... Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to god. Peter Griffin: What's your handicap? Joe Swanson: [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.
	Season 4 / Episode 27: - The Griffin Family History Joe Swanson: We've captured the burglars. Lois Griffin: Oh, thank God! Joe Swanson: Unfortunately, they're pressing sexual harassment charges against your daughter. Peter Griffin: Well, that was a close call. Joe Swanson: You know, ah, Meg should probably get a lawyer. Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Oh, sweetie, thank you for keeping our spirits up with your stories. Joe Swanson: Your daughter is a sexual predator. If you don't do anything, she could go to jail for a long time. Peter Griffin: Don't thank me, Lois, thank my ancestors for living lives of greatness. Joe Swanson: [to his fellow cops] Okay, guys, just take her away.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning! Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there? Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep! Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah! Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Lois Griffin: Joe, you're too heavy. I can't hang on! Joe Swanson: Pretend I'm your child, Lois! Joe Swanson: NOT MEG! NOT MEG!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Petarded Joe Swanson: Hey Peter, what's up? Peter Griffin: Joe, I just, umm... just recently found out that I'm umm... I'm mentally retarded, and umm... I just wanted to ask, umm... h-how do you deal with it? Joe Swanson: Peter, I'm handicapped, not retarded. Peter Griffin: Okay, now we're splittin' hairs.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Blind Ambition Cleveland Brown: I must say, I do feel a strange satisfaction watchin' the black ball topple all those self righteous white pins. Joe Swanson: Can't blame them for being self-righteous. The black ball's in their neighborhood uninvited. Cleveland Brown: The black ball's done nothing wrong. Joe Swanson: If the black ball's innocent, it has nothing to fear.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Thin White Line (1) Joe Swanson: Nice work, rookie! Cop #1: You're a credit to the force! Cop #2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
	Season 2 / Episode 21: - Fore, Father Peter Griffin: [in reference to the fish Joe's son caught that broke the line] Heh heh! Looks like that's the one that got away! Joe Swanson: The hell it is! [hands a gun to Kevin] You get in there and you kick that fish's ass! [pause, softer] God, I love him.
	Season 2 / Episode 21: - Fore, Father Joe Swanson: Nice going, Peter! Peter Griffin: Yeah, up yours, Joe. Joe Swanson: What? Peter Griffin: Thanks!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Fifteen Minutes of Shame Chris Griffin: [On 'The Real Live Griffins' reality TV show] One time my dad pooped in the neighbor's yard and lied about it. Joe Swanson: I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - DaBoom Joe Swanson: BRING IT ON!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - A Hero Sits Next Door Peter Griffin: Welcome to the neighborhood! Hiya, Joe. Joe Swanson: Peter. Peter Griffin: Oh, don't get up. Joe Swanson: This is a surprise, I kinda thought you didn't like me. Peter Griffin: Oh, what? Because of what I said this afternoon? Oh, no, no, no, see I have that disease where stuff just pops out your mouth... Go to hell! Go to hell! Whoop! Heh, see what I mean? Joe Swanson: Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought maybe I crossed the line when I asked to borrow a screw driver. Peter Griffin: [moans] Are you kidding? You could borrow whatever you want. Joe Swanson: Great. Say, you don't have any picture wire do you? Peter Griffin: Picture wire? You son of a bitch. Eh, son of a bitch, son of a bitch! Heh, there it goes again. Joe Swanson: I don't want to impose. Peter Griffin: No problem, that's what neighbors do. H-hey you know what else they do? They play on their neighbor's company softball team, like this Saturday. Eh? What do you say neighbor? Eh? Joe Swanson: Sounds like fun. Peter Griffin: Hey, so much fun, it should be illegal, like copyrighted infringement. Peter Griffin: [in Mickey Mouse voice] Ho-ho! See you at the game Joe, ho-ho!
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did. Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics. Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold. Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did. Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics. Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold. Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along. Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: Wait a second. What about Peter? He's the one who wanted the trophy all along. Peter Griffin: I couldn't have stolen it. Last night I was stealing Joe's ladder so I could steal the trophy tonight. Lois Griffin: Peter! Peter Griffin: What? It's a ladder. He can't use it. That's like taking a watch off a dead guy.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Cleveland: Fooled you! [all but Peter laugh] Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. Cleveland: What? Joe Swanson: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, man! Peter Griffin: Fooled you! [laughs] Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Cleveland: Fooled you! [all but Peter laugh] Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. Cleveland: What? Joe Swanson: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, man! Peter Griffin: Fooled you! [laughs] Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God! Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [Joe is surprised to see fugitive Peter sumo wrestling] Oh, my God! Bonnie Swanson: [off-screen] Did you walk?
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: At least I can do this: [singing] ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah! Disabled Man: [electronic voice] [monotonous] Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: At least I can do this: [singing] ah, ah, ah, AH, ah, ah, ah! Disabled Man: [electronic voice] [monotonous] Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Oh crap.
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief? Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh? Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Say, what happened to the car wash thief? Joe Swanson: Ironically, I severed his spine when I landed on him. Peter Griffin: Looks like you got more competition at next year's special people's games, huh? Joe Swanson: Nope, he's dead.
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be? Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. Glen Quagmire: [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: If you could be stranded on a desert island with any woman in the world, who would it be? Glen Quagmire: Taylor Hanson. Joe Swanson: Taylor Hanson is a guy. Glen Quagmire: [laughs] You guys are yankin' me. "Hey, let's put one over on Quagmire." Peter Griffin: No, he's actually a guy, Quagmire. Glen Quagmire: What? That's insane. That's impossible. Glen Quagmire: Oh god. Oh my god. I've got all these magazines. Oh god.
	Unknown Episode: Kevin: Dad, the fish got away. Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.
	Unknown Episode: Kevin: Dad, the fish got away. Joe Swanson: The hell it did. You get in there and you kick that fish's ass.

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