Glen Quagmire

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Seth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his ...

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Glen Quagmire Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff. Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - Meet the Quagmires Lois Griffin: [while dancing] Something just poked me! Glen Quagmire: It's ok. It's just my wang.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - It Takes A Village Idiot, And I Married One Glen Quagmire: ["campaigning" for Lois by seducing female voters] If I tried to masturbate right now, you know what would come out? A little flag with the word BANG on it!
	Season 4 / Episode 23: - Deep Throats Brian Griffin: All we need is one incriminating entry in this date book and that's our ticket to... Peter Griffin: Hey, Brian. What's up? Brian Griffin: Uh, hi, uh, Lois... Peter. Brian Griffin: Brian, did you know this couch was here? It's so comfortable! Peter Griffin: Hey, Lois! Look how short Stewie is. [laughs] He's so short. Lois Griffin: Oh, my God! He IS short. Lois Griffin: Hey. Hey, Brian. He's knocking on the back door. What should I do? Brian Griffin: What? Lois Griffin: He's knocking on the back door. Should I let him in? I'm a-scared! Stewie Griffin: Well, uh, you two are busy being nude. So, uh, we'll just head out and, uh, let you be nude. Peter Griffin: Who were those guys? Lois Griffin: I don't know. Glen Quagmire: Room for one more? Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee!
	Season 4 / Episode 14: - PTV Glen Quagmire: [sitting naked in what looks like a bachelor pad] Welcome to "Midnight Q". Tonight, we're going to enjoy the smooth jazz of Charles Mingus, Norman Mailer is here to read an excerpt from his latest book, and then we also have a girl from Omaha who's hiding a banana. We'll find out where. Giggity-giggity, giggity-goo. Stick around.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Model Misbehavior Peter Griffin: [at 3:00 a.m] Hey, everybody! Meg just had her first period! Joe Swanson: Peter, shut up! It's 3:00 in the morning! Cleveland: What the hell is going on out there? Glen Quagmire: Damn it! People are trying to sleep! Peter Griffin: I'm just saying, I'm proud of her! She's a woman! Yeah! Glen Quagmire: Yes, Peter, that's very hot, and I'll deal with it in the morning, but right now, I'm exhausted!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Peter Griffin: Quagmire, what are you doing here? Glen Quagmire: Oh, It's conjugal visit day, you know I love doing a woman in the can. OH! Giggity-giggity-giggity-goooo!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Glen Quagmire: Giggidy-giggidy-giggidy-giggidy, let's have sex!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Breaking Out Is Hard to Do Brian Griffin: Ugh, I can't believe you're serving a three year sentence, it seems so harsh. Lois Griffin: Well, the only upside is that it's given me time to think about why I ended up in here. I guess I was stealin' because I was so sick of the same old routine. I felt like I had a void in my life, like, like, there was a secret hole in me... Glen Quagmire: Oh God! Lois Griffin: ...and I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects, and things... Glen Quagmire: OH GOD! Lois Griffin: ...and I felt wonderful with all those things filling that hole. Glen Quagmire: OH GAWWWD! Lois Griffin: I did this to myself, so I'm just gonna have to lay back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter Glen Quagmire: Hey Peter, uh... you have a card for if you transferred V.D. to somebody? Peter Griffin: Uh, lets see here... uh yep, "Sorry I accidentally gave you V.D." Glen Quagmire: Huh? That's all you have is "accidental", huh? All right, I'll take it.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Fish Out of Water Glen Quagmire: So what, were you like, in an accident or something? Seamus: [Who has two wooden legs and two wooden arms] No, me father was a tree.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lethal Weapons Glen Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side? Transvetite: [in deep voice] Sure. Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait a sec, pre-op or post-op? Transvetite: Pre-op. Glen Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off!
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - One If By Clam, Two If By Sea Glen Quagmire: I felt guilty once, but she woke up half way through.
	Season 2 / Episode 20: - Wasted Talent Glen Quagmire: Hey gorgeous! You want to come home with me? Woman in Bar: I'm with my husband! Glen Quagmire: Lose the zero, get with the hero. [Quagmire's face punched by husband] Glen Quagmire: Little violent for you, don't you think? [punched again by husband] Glen Quagmire: Huh, I'll be right over there.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - I Am Peter, Hear Me Roar Lois Griffin: Glen, I need your help. Glen Quagmire: Sure, Lois. I'd do everything to you. Lois Griffin: What? Glen Quagmire: I'd do anything for you.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Brian in Love Lois Griffin: Hey, you, the news is on. Brian Griffin: Oh. Where's everybody? Lois Griffin: Stewie's taking a nap, and Peter and the kids are out. Come sit with me. Brian Griffin: Oh. Okay. Brian Griffin: [while Lois rubs his skull] Oh. Ho,ho,ho,ho. Diane Simmons: And now, Part 3 of Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex. Tricia Takanawa: Thank you, Diane. Sex... some people have it anonymously. "What kind of person might do that?" You might ask. Well, I'm about to find out. I just picked a complete stranger in a hotel bar, and he's in the bathroom, possibly doing drugs. Watch as I have sex with this potentially dangerous man, as we take you in depth and undercover. Glen Quagmire: I never had a Spanish chick before. Ole! Lois Griffin: Oh, it is so refreshing to see something other than violence on the news. Lois Griffin: Brian, your tail keeps hitting me. Brian Griffin: Oh, it was bothering you, I can stop. Lois Griffin: No, it's okay. That breeze feels good. It's so warm in here. Lois Griffin: That's better. Brian Griffin: I-I'd take my sweater off but I'm afraid it's attached to my skin. Brian Griffin: Smooth. Lois Griffin: Well, I better go start dinner.
	Unknown Episode: Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?
	Unknown Episode: Glen Quagmire: [after lighting a cigarette] So what's going on? You ever get freaky with that thing?
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did. Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics. Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold. Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
	Unknown Episode: Peter Griffin: Hey, let's play a game called "I never". You gotta drink if you never did the thing the person says they did. Cleveland: I got one - I never slept with a woman with the lights on. Joe Swanson: I got one - I never slept with Cleveland's wife. Peter Griffin: I never did a chick in the Logan airport bathroom. Peter Griffin: [later, Quagmire has 20 beers on the table] Oh, God, what else is there? I never gave a reach around to a spider monkey while reciting the pledge of allegiance. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: I never picked up an illegal alien from Home Depot to take me home and choke me while I touch myself. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! [Quagmire drinks] Peter Griffin: Same thing except with a chick from JoAnn Fabrics. Glen Quagmire: Oh, Come on, this is getting ridiculous! [Quagmire drinks] Joe Swanson: Boy, he's out cold. Peter Griffin: Let's write on him!
	Unknown Episode: Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.
	Unknown Episode: Glen Quagmire: [while on a raft made out of blow-up dolls] Careful guys, even the slightest prick will pop these things. Gigity.
	Unknown Episode: Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things... Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God! Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole. Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God! Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
	Unknown Episode: Lois Griffin: I feel like I've had this void all my life. Like there was a secret hole in me. Glen Quagmire: Oh, God! Lois Griffin: And I was trying to fill that hole with all these expensive things... Glen Quagmire: Ooooh, God! Lois Griffin: And I just enjoyed having all these things filling that hole. Glen Quagmire: Ohhhhhhhhhh, God! Lois Griffin: I guess I'm just going to have to sit back and let the penal system teach me a lesson. Glen Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
	Unknown Episode: Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing! Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
	Unknown Episode: Lois Griffin: Peter, I got a wax job and lets just say, you're cleared for landing! Glen Quagmire: [off the screen] Giggitty!
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Cleveland: Fooled you! [all but Peter laugh] Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. Cleveland: What? Joe Swanson: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, man! Peter Griffin: Fooled you! [laughs] Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
	Unknown Episode: Joe Swanson: [siren wails] Peter Griffin, we know you're in there! Come out with your hands up! Cleveland: Fooled you! [all but Peter laugh] Peter Griffin: Yeah, you sure did. What the hell is this? Joe Swanson: It's the new police surveillance van. We're going on a beer run. Want to join us? Peter Griffin: Nah, I quit drinking. I think I might be an alcoholic. Cleveland: What? Joe Swanson: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, man! Peter Griffin: Fooled you! [laughs] Come on. Let's go drink till we can't feel feelings any more.
	Unknown Episode: Glen Quagmire's Mom: Here now, have milk. [shows Glen Quagmire her breasts] Glen Quagmire: All right! [starts sucking on her breast]

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