Brian Griffin

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Seth MacFarlane
Seth MacFarlane was born in the small New England town of Kent, Connecticut where he lived with his ...

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Brian Griffin Quotes

	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Peter Griffin: Jesus, which religion should our family be? Jesus: Six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: [Off-camera] Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Lois Griffin: So, Jesus, which religion should we choose? Jesus: Ah, six of one, they're all complete crap. Brian Griffin: Thank you!
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - Family Goy Brian Griffin: Too many people go overboard with what they believe. Like Quagmire when he thought he was was the one getting the spinoff. Glen Quagmire: See ya later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid shitty giant chicken jokes and Conway Twi - hey, why is there a moving truck outside of Cleveland's house?
	Season 8 / Episode 1: - Road to the Multiverse Brian Griffin: Okay, I'm a new neighbor, and you're my pet human, Hotchkis, got it? Stewie Griffin: [stammers] I'm not so crazy about "Hotchkis" anymore. Brian Griffin: What do you mean? You came up with Hotchkis. Stewie Griffin: Eh, I know, but how about Axel or Maximillian or Dex? You know, it's gotta have an "x" in it 'cause that means I have cool parents who take me on expensive ski trips on spring break and I get to drink wine with dinner even though I'm only 14 and... Dog Peter: [scampering to the door] Omigodiknowthatsounditmeanstheresapotentialintruderatthefrontdoororoneofmyp alseitherwayimexcitedandreadyforanything! [opens the door] Hello! Stewie Griffin: Heh. Brian Griffin: Hello, my name is Blake Carrington. Stewie Griffin: Aw. Brian Griffin: And this is my human, Gabe. Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, what?
	Season 7 / Episode 14: - We Love You Conrad Lauren Conrad: This is not about me being smarter than you. This is about you still being in love with with Jillian. Brian Griffin: How do you know? Lauren Conrad: Because I'm smarter than you.
	Season 7 / Episode 12: - 420 Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine! Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
	Season 7 / Episode 7: - Ocean's Three and a Half Brian Griffin: What's it called? Stewie Griffin: Susie. Brian Griffin: Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already. Stewie Griffin: Name twenty! Brian Griffin: Rosanna, Roxanne, Michelle, Alison, Sarah, Angie, Brandy, Mandy, Gloria, Cecilia, Maggie May, Jessica, Nancy, Barbara Ann, Billie Jean, Layla, Lola, Polly, Helena, Jenny From the Block. Stewie Griffin: Name six more! Brian Griffin: Sherry, Laura, Wendy, Maria, Peggy Sue, Minnie the Moocher. Stewie Griffin: Name five more! Brian Griffin: Tracy, Jean, Jane, Mary Ann, Eleanor Rigby. Stewie Griffin: [throws his guitar down on the ground; as he walks out:] Go fuck yourself!
	Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Man With Two Brians Lois Griffin: [comes out of a door with a bag of trash] Peter, what are you... Lois Griffin: What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof! Peter Griffin: Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready? Joe Swanson: All, right! We're rolling. Peter Griffin: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys. Peter Griffin: Okay, go! Peter Griffin: Ow. Ow. Ow. Cleveland: Oh, my God! Glen Quagmire: Oh, my God! Are you okay? Peter Griffin: I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What... Peter Griffin: Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something! Joe Swanson: [still filming] It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches! Peter Griffin: I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca... Brian Griffin: Aah! Oh, God! Peter Griffin: Does this get fixed with ice or heat? Cleveland: Ice now, heat later.
	Season 7 / Episode 4: - Baby Not On Board Peter Griffin: Ground Zero. So this is were the first guy got AIDS. Brian Griffin: Peter, this is the sight of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Peter Griffin: Oh so Saddam Hussein did this? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: The Iraqi army? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: Some guys from Iraq? Brian Griffin: No. Peter Griffin: That one lady who visited Iraq that one time? Brian Griffin: No, Peter Iraq had nothing to do with this, it was a bunch of Saudi Arabians, Lebanese, and Egyptians financed by a Saudi Arabian guy living in Afghanistan and sheltered by Pakistanis. Peter Griffin: So you're saying we need to invade Iran?
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: But where do we find uranium in WWII Europe? Brian Griffin: There's only one place, at the top secret atomic research facility... in Berlin. Stewie Griffin: Wait a minute, Germany's building Weapons of Mass Destruction? Well, why doesn't America go in there and kick their asses? Brian Griffin: I don't know [slowly turns toward the camera] maybe because they don't have any oil? Stewie Griffin: Oooooohhhh... [he applauds] oh clap clap clap clap clap!
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: Mort? Hello? Mort? Stewie Griffin: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing in my room? Don't touch my stuff with your dirty walking on the street paws! Brian Griffin: I'm looking for Mort. He came up here an hour ago and never came back down. Stewie Griffin: Uh-oh. Brian Griffin: What? Stewie Griffin: My time machine's been activated. Brian Griffin: Time machine? I didn't know you had a time machine. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, I built it after I got bored with that European See 'n Say. European See 'n Say: The pig goes "WANK!" European See 'n Say: The cow goes "SHAZOO!" Stewie Griffin: It most certainly does not! European See 'n Say: The rooster goes "GICKORY GEE!" Stewie Griffin: Where? Where does the rooster say that? European See 'n Say: The monkey goes "MACAQUE!" Stewie Griffin: Oh, no, no, no! It does not! European See 'n Say: The elephant goes "THWOMP!" Stewie Griffin: Oh, yeah, kinda.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: Remember Brian, don't touch anything when we are in the past. Even stepping on a mosquito could create a chain reaction that drastically alters the present. Brian Griffin: Really? Stewie Griffin: Nah you can do whatever you want.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Stewie Griffin: OK, if everything worked properly this should be the exact time and place that Mort was sent to. Now we just got to find out where we are. Brian Griffin: Or WHEN we are. Stewie Griffin: Ah that's such a douche time traveler thing to say. [a Cow says SHAZOOM]. Okay we are somewhere in Europe.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: [Brian, Stewie and Mort are stuck in Warsaw Poland during the invasion] Stewie, the return pad isn't working! Stewie Griffin: Yeah and you know what's not gonna fix it, your shouting. Mort Goldman: Oh God. Should we ask somebody for help? Stewie Griffin: Yeah right. How many Polacks does it take to fix a time machine? Let's find out.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Mort Goldman: Why isn't the time machine working? Stewie Griffin: I don't know Mort. Mort Goldman: I hate it here. I hate this whole goddamn place. It's all a bunch of shit. It's all a bunch of goddamn shit! Stewie Griffin: Okay. Take it easy man. Mort Goldman: NO! Fuck you Stewie. I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe. Fuck you! Fuck the both of you! Brian Griffin: I didn't say anything Stewie Griffin: Oh thanks Brian. Mort Goldman: This is a bunch of shit! Stewie Griffin: Okay you know what Mort? Just shut up! Just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you. You know we can just leave you here. Mort Goldman: Yeah right just leave me here. That's great. We're in occupied Europe and in case you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish! Stewie Griffin: Oh I noticed. Helen Keller would notice. Brian Griffin: Ha Ha Ha Mort Goldman: Eat me ass, Brian! Brian Griffin: Don't you mean your ass-neck? Mort Goldman: Shut up. That's a real thing.
	Season 7 / Episode 3: - Road to Germany Brian Griffin: [Two torpedos have been fired at their U-Boat which are about to hit them] Uh oh. Hold onto something Mort Goldman: Why isn't the time machine working? Stewie Griffin: I swear to God Mort I will stuff you into the torpedo tube and crush you against the sea.
	Season 7 / Episode 2: - I Dream of Jesus Stewie Griffin: [Surfin' Bird is playing for the umpteenth time, and they're both on the couch feeling exasperated] Brian? Brian Griffin: Yeah? Stewie Griffin: I don't feel so good. [a stream of blood starts to trickle from his nose]
	Season 7 / Episode 1: - Love Blactually Stewie Griffin: [upon seeing that Brian is also dressed as Snoopy for the costume party] Ugh, you know. This is why you... Brian, remember. For the last couple of weeks, I kept saying "Can I have a couple of minutes of your time to talk to you about something?" This is what it was about! This evening is "rueened!" Brian Griffin: Look, I... Wait, what? Stewie Griffin: This evening is rueened! The whole evening is rueened! Brian Griffin: Why are you saying it like that? Stewie Griffin: Saying what? I'm just pointing out the party's rueened. Brian Griffin: You know what? I'm not gonna get sucked into this. Brian Griffin: Okay, just so that I'm sure. Really? Are you just trying to piss me off or is that really how you say it? Stewie Griffin: What are you talking about? I'm talking about this rueened evening. Brian Griffin: That's not how you say "ruined." Stewie Griffin: What? Rueened? Brian Griffin: What do you call the remains of ancient Greek structures? Stewie Griffin: Ruins. Brian Griffin: And how would you describe this evening? Stewie Griffin: Well, rueened, of course. This evening is rueened. Brian Griffin: Say "ruined." Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Ruined. Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Ruined. Stewie Griffin: Rueened. Brian Griffin: Dumbass. Stewie Griffin: Well, Brian. Don't be "cruelle."
	Season 6 / Episode 12: - Long John Peter Brian Griffin: [Brian is lying on the floor, after being severely beaten by Chris] OK someone needs to help me here. [Stewie approaches Brian, as he lays on the floor, and kicks him]
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Stewie Griffin: [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl] You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show. Brian Griffin: Really? Stewie Griffin: Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half. Brian Griffin: What? Stewie Griffin: Saw me in half.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Brian Griffin: [to Lois] Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor. Stewie Griffin: Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec. Dylan: Stewie, why are you nude? Stewie Griffin: Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend? Dylan: You're weird. Stewie Griffin: Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off! Dylan: I'm out of here. Stewie Griffin: Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Dylan: Knock-knock. Brian Griffin: Who's there? Dylan: You're there. Brian Griffin: I'll always be there, Dylan.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Stewie Griffin: How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7? Brian Griffin: Those are dog years. Stewie Griffin: That doesn't make any sense. Brian Griffin: You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Former Life of Brian Brian Griffin: Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy. That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.
	Season 6 / Episode 10: - Play it Again, Brian Brian Griffin: [answers phone] Hello? Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, it's me. I got a question for you. Herbert and I are playing Scattergories. Would you count Nyquil as a beverage? No, right? Brian Griffin: No. Stewie Griffin: Yea, not gonna fly, old man. Thanks Brian.
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke Lois Griffin: [on Peter's new mustache] I think it's handsome. Brian Griffin: I think it's gay. Peter Griffin: Oh yeah? Well, if I'm gay then Freddie Mercury was gay. Brian Griffin: Freddie Mercury, the lead singer of Queen? He was incredibly gay! Peter Griffin: He was not. He had a mustache. That's practically like having a wedding band.
	Season 6 / Episode 8: - McStroke Stewie Griffin: [after Stewie becomes the most popular boy at school] Well, Brian, you've lost your bet. I, or rather my alter ego, Zac Sawyer, am currently the most popular boy at James Woods High. Brian Griffin: Well, Stewie, you got the best of me on this one. Congratulations. I guess you'll be hanging up your wig now? Stewie Griffin: Oh no, Brian, I'm enjoying myself too much. Do you know that I've got a date with Connie D'Amico this Saturday night at Anal Point? Brian Griffin: Ah, I've heard about that place. Stewie Griffin: Really? What's it like? 'Cause I have no idea. Brian Griffin: Well, uh... I suppose if you imagine it like a parking space, that you think, "Gosh, there's no way I'm gonna be able to fit in there." But then you fold in the side-view mirrors and, sure enough, well, look at that. Stewie Griffin: Well, in that scenario, it sounds like I'd rather be the parking space than the car. Brian Griffin: Yeah, that's what I've always guessed.
	Season 6 / Episode 5: - Lois Kills Stewie (2) Peter Griffin: It's just been revoked! Brian Griffin: Uh, Peter, he didn't really set you up for that Lethal Weapon line. It... it doesn't really work here. Peter Griffin: Oh. I'll have what she's having! Brian Griffin: That's... better?
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Lois Griffin: Hey, and look on the bright side. Maybe you've got another chapter for your [starts laughing] book! Brian Griffin: Oh yeah, pile it on! Pile it on! Chris Griffin: Welcome home, asshole!
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Movin' Out (Brian's Song) Stewie Griffin: That's right, I'm paying Mr.Lickety-Self's half of the rent. Jillian: Is that true? Brian Griffin: All right, yes, fine, it's true. Jillian: Why didn't you say anything? Brian Griffin: Because you wanted me to move in so badly, and God knows I didn't want to... Jillian: Wait, you didn't wanna move in with me? Brian Griffin: Well... honestly, no. Jillian: Oh, my God! I've never felt so stupid! Brian Griffin: Really? Jillian: Well, I don't wanna be your guilty burden, Brian. We're through! Brian Griffin: Jillian, wait! Brian Griffin: Damn it! Stewie Griffin: I'm sorry, Brian. You'll feel better in the morning. [Stewie covers himself, then Brian turns the light out to go to sleep] Hey, you know what you should do? You should have sex with somebody else just to get back at her for walking out on you. Ju-just have sex with somebody. Anybody. Just don't-don't even think about it. The next person you see, the very next person you see. [the light turns back on; Stewie is staring Brian dead in the face with a smirk on his face. Brian then punches him out of bed]

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