Extras (UK) Quotes

Extras (UK)

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Unknown Episode: Clive Owen: Oh fuck off, I'm Clive Owen. That's mental!
	Unknown Episode: Andy Millman: No. What are we doing? Selling ourselves. Selling everything. The happiest day of my life - oh, quick, I'll do the invites and bake a cake and get a press tent. Must have a press tent - it's a wedding. I must see pictures of meself with other people I'm in the program with. Oh, now I'm pregnant, we must televise the birth. Quick, see if Ryan Seacrest will present it. Maybe it'll make E! channel's "100 Greatest Caesarians." I'm not having a go at you. I'm just sick of these celebrities just living their lives out in the open all the time. Why would you do that? It's like these pop stars who choose the perfect moment to go into rehab. They call their publicist before they call a taxi. Then they come out and they do their second autobiography - this one's called "Love Me or I'll Kill Myself." Well, kill yourself then. And the papers lap it up. They follow us around and that makes people think we're important, and that makes us think we're important. If they stop following us around, taking pictures of us, those people wouldn't take to the streets, going "Oh quick, I need a picture of Cameron Diaz with a pimple." They wouldn't care, they'd get on with something else. They'd get on with their lives. You open the paper and you see a picture of Lindsay Lohan getting out of a car, and the headline is "Cover Up Lindsay, We Can See Your Knickers." Of course you can see her knickers - your photographer is lying in the road, pointing his camera up her dress to see her knickers! You're literally the gutter press. And fuck you, the makers of this show as well. You can't wash your hands of this. You can't keep going, "Oh, it's exploitation, but it's what the public want." No, the Victorian freak show never went away. Now it's called "Big Brother" or "American Idol," where in the preliminary rounds we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multimillionaires. And fuck you for watching this at home. Shame on you. And shame on me. I'm the worst of all 'cause I'm one of those people that goes, "Oh, I'm an entertainer, it's in my blood." Yeah, it's in my blood, 'cause a real job's too hard. I would love to have been a doctor - too hard. Didn't want to put the work in. Would love to be a war hero - I'm too scared. So I go, "Oh, it's what I do." And I have someone bollocked if my cappuccino is cold, or if they look at me the wrong way. You know what a friend of mine once said? They said I'll never be happy 'cause I'll never be famous enough. And they were right. And if you're watching this, I'm so sorry. You're my best friend. You're my only friend. And you never did anything wrong. It was everything else. I'll never do that again. I'll never treat you like that again. It's eating me that you asked me a stupid question once, and I just - I could've answered it and I didn't, 'cause I was - I'll answer it now: I'd be the penguin, 'cause I could eat the flying fish. I know what you're thinking - why doesn't the fish fly away? Well it can't really fly, it's all glide and flap. They should be called "glidy flappy fish." I'm so sorry. I'm gonna go now. Cheers everyone.
	Unknown Episode: Greg Lindley Jones: I saw you was in Doctor Who as a slug. Very convincing.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Jonathan Ross Darren Lamb: So what time would be ther right now? Andy Millman: Right, It's four o' clock here so... eight hours Darren Lamb: [counting with his fingers] Five, Six... Andy Millman: No, you're going up Darren Lamb: [changes his hand and do exactly the same] Five, Six... Andy Millman: You still Going up!Look. It's four o' clock, so eight hours... eight o' clock Darren Lamb: That's four hours ahead. Andy Millman: In the morning! Darren Lamb: Oh. Ok. Yes. Andy Millman: Suposse I get it there at nine. Darren Lamb: Ten. Yeah. After the coffee Andy Millman: Right. Add Eight Darren Lamb: to What? Andy Millman: Ten! Darren Lamb: Ten? Eighteen. Andy Millman: [exasperating] What you mean eighteen? Darren Lamb: Oh no. Add eight. Hours you mean. Sorry. Andy Millman: Of course. So call it at six o' clock. Darren Lamb: Right. Their Time. Andy Millman: Our Time! Darren Lamb: Our time. Yeah. And What time would be over there? Andy Millman: Ten. Darren Lamb: Ten. At night? Andy Millman: In the morning!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Ian McKellen: If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian, action, wizard "You shall not pass!", cut. Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Ian McKellen: How did I know what to say? They had my lines written down on a script. How did I know where to stand? People showed me.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Andy Millman: Idiot. Agent: You talking to me? Andy Millman: Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play? Agent: What play? Andy Millman: The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play, it's so... gay.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Andy Millman: [Darren has got a date with Maggie] Oh my god, it's worse than I thought. She's hit rock bottom. Agent: [proud of himself] Yes she has.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Ian McKellen: [explaining how he acts so well] Case in point: Lord of the Rings. Peter Jackson comes to me in New Zealand and said to me: Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the Wizard. And I said to him: You are aware that I am not really a wizard?
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Andy Millman: How's the wife? Bunny: Oh, gone! I was living a lie and she knew it, but now I'm able to go out and enjoy some serious cock guilt free. Yuma, yuma, yuma, yuma!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Ian McKellen Ian McKellen: [shouting] George, can you get us some vaseline?
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Chris Martin Agent: Have a lovely bit of muffin.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Chris Martin Reporter: [to Maggie] Who are you wearing? Maggie Jacobs: Maggie. Reporter: No, who are you wearing? Maggie Jacobs: Maggie Jacobs. Andy Millman: No, whose dress is that? Maggie Jacobs: Mine. Andy Millman: [to reporter] She wins the award. Come on.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Chris Martin BAFTA Executive: Well, well, well. The Three Stooges. Andy Millman: [laughs] BAFTA Executive: Sorry, something funny? Andy Millman: Just you're joke... BAFTA Executive: Shut up. BAFTA Executive: [at Ronnie Corbett] Corbett. Always bloody Corbett. Is this it, or is there anymore? Ronnie Corbett: [hands over bag of cocaine] Just a bit of whizz, to blow away the cobwebs. BAFTA Executive: Where did you get it? Ronnie Corbett: Don't remember. BAFTA Executive: Now don't bullshit me. Where did you get it? Was it from Moria Stuart? Ronnie Corbett: You don't get it, do you mate? I don't remember! BAFTA Executive: Well here's something you will remember. You're banned from BAFTA. You can never win a BAFTA now. Andy Millman: What? Me as well? BAFTA Executive: Yes. All of you. And you can't attend any of our events. You can't come to the Film BAFTA's, you can't come to the TV BAFTA's and you can't even come to the Children's BAFTA's Ronnie Corbett: What about the Welsh BAFTA's? BAFTA Executive: Would you come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you were asked? Ronnie Corbett: Probably. BAFTA Executive: You'll be expecting a call. Darren Lamb: [points at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTA's if you want. BAFTA Executive: Sorry. We're looking for actors with more skill. Darren Lamb: Make's sense. Andy Millman: [Looks at Darren] Make's sense? Darren Lamb: Well I was only trying to... Andy Millman: Yeah... you... idiot!
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe: [whispering] Have you still got that that catsuit from The Avengers? Diana Rigg: Go away, Daniel.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe: [about Maggie] Alright when she gets back, make up some excuse and leave, okay? Andy Millman: Why what have you got planned? [Daniel pulls out a condom] You... unravelled it then? Daniel Radcliffe: Yep. Ready for action. I just hope its big enough.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Darren Lamb: Annoyingly, they didn't go with the 'giving the kid an Xbox' angle. Andy Millman: What angle did they go with then? Darren Lamb: [holding up a newspaper] "TV bully kicks dwarf in face." Andy Millman: Accurate. But, as you say, there's no such thing as bad publicity, is there? Darren Lamb: [reading another newspaper headline] "Pick on someone your own size fatty." Andy Millman: Oh, I guess there is. Darren Lamb: Oh look, this is the worst one. "Suicide Bombers get lotto funding." Andy Millman: What's that got to do with me? Darren Lamb: Nothing... I mean, it's just shocking, isn't it? [Andy sighs] Darren Lamb: Look at this one... ”Gypsies are eating our pets".
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Warwick: [after Andy has hit on his fiancé] What do you think I've got this ring for! Andy Millman: I don't know, you're a hobbit?
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe: [after his condom has landed on Dame Diana Rigg's head] Can I have my johnny back? Diana Rigg: MAY I have my johnny back? Daniel Radcliffe: May I have my johnny back? Diana Rigg: Please. Daniel Radcliffe: Yeah. Diana Rigg: Not called a johnny though, is it? Daniel Radcliffe: Durex? Diana Rigg: No, that’s a brand name. May I have back my prophylactic, or sheath? Daniel Radcliffe: May I have my prophyac... Diana Rigg: Tic. Daniel Radcliffe: Prophylactic. Can I have it please? Diana Rigg: Yes. Diana Rigg: Excuse me. Haven't you forgotten something? Daniel Radcliffe: Oh... Thank you, Dame Diana. Andy Millman: Still going to use it then? Daniel Radcliffe: Yeah, it'll be fine. Andy Millman: Lucky girl.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe: [coming on to Maggie] I've done it with a girl. Intercourse wise.
	Season 2 / Episode 3: - Daniel Radcliffe Daniel Radcliffe: [Taking off his glasses and speaking to Maggie] Oh, God, I've still got these on. I - I don't need these. They're just for the character. Even if I did need glasses in real life, you know, I - I never read.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - David Bowie Obsessive Fan: Hellooooo! Agent: Hello, mate. Alright, how's it going? Darren Lamb, Agent. Nice to meet you. Obsessive Fan: This is my girlfriend Julie. Barry: Hey, Julie. Obsessive Fan: I recognize you. Barry: Yes. Possibly. Obsessive Fan: You did my mom's guttering, didn't you? Barry: Maybe, yeah. Wh- where does she live? Obsessive Fan: Amdol Corbs at the BP garage. Agent: What's this? You didn't tell me anything about this. What's going on here? How much do you get paid for that? Barry: Not much. Obsessive Fan: Well it's 200 quid. Mum said he did such a good job she gave him a 20 pound tip. Agent: 220 quid? Barry: I don't have to tell you everything. Agent: Oh no no. You don't have to tell me everything. Although i notice you're happy to tell me when you are sleeping in your car and you need somewhere to have a bath. Then you can't keep your mouth shut. But this you're keeping schtum about. Barry: You're supposed to be my agent for acting, not bloody artexing or whatever else. Agent: Rumbled! Rumbled! He said guttering! Now it's Artexing. What else you keeping from me? I can't- I'm appalled. This is scandalous, Barry. Such a slap in the face. Obsessive Fan: Do you do roofing? Agent: Do you want- do you need some roofing done? He'll do roofing. Barry: No, it's too dangerous. I'm not- I'm not... Agent: Oh I'm sorry. You're turning down work now, are you? I'm sorry. It seems that beggars can be choosers, my mistake.
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - David Bowie David Bowie: [sings] The little fat man who sold his soul... Andy Millman: The little? David Bowie: [sings] Little fat man who sold his dream... Chubby little loser... David Bowie: [turns round and plays piano] Chubby little loser... National joke... David Bowie: [stops singing] No, not chubby little loser... David Bowie: [sings] Pathetic little fat man... No one's bloody laughing... David Bowie: [sings] The clown that no one laughs at... They all just wish he'd die... David Bowie: [sings] He's so depressed at being useless... The fat man takes his own life... David Bowie: [stops singing] No, no David Bowie: [sings] He's so depressed at being hated... Fatty takes his own life... David Bowie: [stops singing] Fatty? Fatso? Maggie Jacobs: Fatso, I like fatso David Bowie: Yeah, let's go with fatso David Bowie: [sings] Fatso take his own life... He blows his bloated face off David Bowie: [stops singing] No David Bowie: [sings] He blows his stupid brains out Linda: But the twat'd probabably miss! David Bowie: [stops singing] Yes, Linda, I like that! Andy Millman: Yes, so do I. It's brilliant Linda. David Bowie: [sings] He sold his soul for a shot at fame... Catchprase and wig and the jokes are lame... David Bowie: [sings] He's got no style, he's got no grace... He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... David Bowie: [stops singing] Yeah, yeah. Everybody sing that last line. One, two, three... David Bowie: [sings] He's banal and facile... He's a fat waste of space... See his pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug David Bowie: [stops singing] Again! David Bowie: [sings] See his pug-nose face... pug, pug, pug, pug. The little fat man with the pug-nosed face... Yeah! pug, pug, pug, pug. Little fat man... pug-nosed face... pug, pug, pug, pug...
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - David Bowie Andy Millman: It's bad. Agent: It's not BAD, is it. Andy Millman: It is. Agent: No, "bad" suggests that, you know, it's evil or something. You know, it's not - It's poor... it's rubbish... you know, it's shit - it's a shit sitcom. Andy Millman: It's a shitcom! Oh, we've sorted that out, thanks very much. That's the career over. Agent: That's what one of the reviewers said!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Agent: Do it! Shaun Williamson: [quoting Andy's character] Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh! Agent: [laughs] I don't know how he comes up with it! Andy Millman: He didn't come up with it!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Andy Millman: Are you havin' a laugh? Is he havin' a laugh?
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Maggie Jacobs: They're just doing it because you're famous. Orlando Bloom: ...Well, they're not doing it just 'cause I'm famous... No, it's my looks as well. Maggie Jacobs: I just don't think they'd be acting like that if you weren't a film star. Orlando Bloom: ...Yeah, they pretty much would. I've always had attention. Maggie Jacobs: No, all I'm saying is if you were the prop boy, you'd just get ignored. Orlando Bloom: [smirks] What, with this face? I wouldn't get ignored. I'll tell you who does get ignored: Johnny Depp. On the set of 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' the birds just walked straight past him - 'get out the bloody way, whoever you are, we wanna get to Orlando.' Around me like flies around shit. Maggie Jacobs: [surprised] They ignore Johnny Depp? Orlando Bloom: Yeah! They're going 'oh, Orlando, who's that freak over there that we didn't notice?' I'm going, 'it's Johnny Depp!' They're going 'who cares? You were Legolas in Lord of the Rings!' [mocking Johnny] 'Ooh, look at me, I make art-house movies! Ooh, I've got scissors for hands!' Willy Wonka? Johnny Wanker.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Orlando Bloom: We've just done our kissing scene, and the directer says, perfect, I've never seen better acting! And the producer says, Orlando, that was bloody brilliant! And the whole cast applauds. And Keira says, oh, can we just do that kissing bit again? And I laugh and say, if you want to kiss someone, why don't you kiss Johnny Depp? And she says, Johnny Depp, don't make me fucking vomit.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Andy Millman: I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. This is not the comedy I set out to do - I wanted to write summat... REAL, that people could relate to, and it's all changed, because people have stuck their nose in. Agent: Yeah, I'm hearing you, all right. But do you know what? This is typical first-night nerves. I know what you're thinking - you're thinking "oh, the script's not funny, it's lowest common denominator," and - you know - you're right. But don't worry about it! Because people will watch anything, all right? Particularly if it's after EastEnders and they haven't got to change the channel. Those sort of morons will help us win the ratings war. And, uh, you know, ratings in the end are what count. And merchandise.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Orlando Bloom Keith Chegwin: Black people aren't funny. Andy Millman: Black people are funny Keith. Keith Chegwin: Name one black person that's funny. Andy Millman: I can name you loads of black people that are funny... Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Eddie Murphy. Keith Chegwin: British. Andy Millman: [pauses while thinking, after a period of silence, glances at a picture of Lenny Henry on the wall, looks back at Keith] Don't change the rules halfway through.

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