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 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Getting Even Ray Barone: Who's gonna bid twenty dollars for this fine piece of craftsmanship, finely crafted by a fine craftsman who I happen to sleep with? |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Getting Even Ray Barone: I know, you're mad at the jokes. Debra Barone: You just - you just couldn't stop, could you, Ray? Ray Barone: I was killing them, it was great. That box falling apart, that was the best thing that could've happened. That broke the ice. Debra Barone: You embarrassed me. Ray Barone: What? No! It was all fun. Come on, I told you, people thought that we did it on purpose. Debra Barone: I felt humiliated. Ray Barone: Don't feel humiliated. Debra Barone: Don't tell me how to feel. Ray Barone: But you're wrong. Debra Barone: There's no right or wrong, this is how I feel. You can not tell me not be humiliated, I just am. Ray Barone: Okay, all right, feel humiliated. Debra Barone: I don't anymore. Ray Barone: Okay, all right... Debra Barone: Now I'm just angry. I mean I can't believe - I can't believe you - It's bad enough what you did to me tonight, but you don't even care how I feel about it. All you care about is how well you did, you laugh-whore Ray Barone: Maybe you should... go back to being humiliated. |
| Season 3 / Episode 4: - Getting Even Frank Barone: Debra, what kind of con game are you running? Marie Barone: It's your own fault, Frank. Who told you to sign up for all those things? Frank Barone: I didn't expect to win this crap. Debra Barone: It's not crap, Frank. Frank Barone: Oh yeah? $80 for the use of a canoe. That is *floating* crap. Marie Barone: Some people would consider a canoe ride romantic. Frank Barone: Guess you didn't see "Deliverance" |
 | Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Sitter Robert Barone: Hey, Ma. I told Nemo you were hurt so he threw in these breadsticks for free. Marie Barone: These look old. Frank Barone: You are what you eat. Marie Barone: Robbie, give your father his order of miserable bastard. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Sitter Debra Barone: You know, I don't think I'm gonna have Lisa sit for us anymore. Ray Barone: What? No! Listen, I never think of her, ever. Debra Barone: Uck. No, idiot. God! No, I was just thinking... I don't know, leaving the kids with a sitter so much. It just... It feels wrong. Ray Barone: Wrong? What - it gives us more time to love each other. And if loving you is wrong... Baby, I don't want be right. Debra Barone: Well, it just doesn't feel right to me. Ray Barone: Come on. She's a great babysitter. It's what we always dreamed of. Come on. Look, because of her, you've got nail polish on. Don't you love that? I love it. Look at the little piggies and wee-wee-wee-wee-wee Debra Barone: Stop it! No, you don't care about nail polish. Debra Barone: I know, but - you wanna go back to the way it was with the kids covered in salsa and you wanting me to help? That's... I mean, that's... That's no kind of life. Debra Barone: Yeah, but Ray, look, they are only young once. This is our only chance to enjoy this age. Ray Barone: Well, what about my age? When do we get to enjoy my age? Debra Barone: All right, okay. If we have to leave the kids with somebody, then you know... maybe it should be your mom. Because after all she is... family. Think of how your mom must feel with this. She comes over here and she sees Geoffrey and Michael and Ally playing with some stranger and they're having so much more fun with her than they ever had with... her Ray Barone: Okay, okay, we'll get my mom then. Look, the bottom line is quality time, that's all. And by quality time, of course, I mean... |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - The Sitter Debra Barone: She is really hurt. I am such a jerk. Ray Barone: You left some toys around. What? It happens. Ray Barone: What? No! What? Please stop. I didn't mean *you* left them around. They got left around. Come on, the kids probably left them, the stinking kids Debra Barone: No, Ray, it's my fault. Ray Barone: No, no, it isn't Debra Barone: Yes it is, 'cause I set her up. I just couldn't stand how much the kids wanted to be with Lisa. So I got your mom to babysit, so it... wouldn't go as well. Ray Barone: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You told a perfectly nice girl not to come because you thought the kids liked her too much? Debra Barone: Mm-hmm. Ray Barone: And then you brought in Old Yeller to make yourself feel better? Debra Barone: Yes. I'm terrible. I'm this evil person. Ray Barone: I love this! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Raymond "Ray" Barone: How did you get the keys back from mom? Frank Barone: That was not pleasant. But I found the remote. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Debra Barone: What happened? Raymond "Ray" Barone: He passed! Debra Barone: HE PASSED? J-Just the writen part. Raymond "Ray" Barone: No. EVERYTHING. The driving, the turning, the seeing. Debra Barone: What kind of government is THIS! |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Ray Barone: What's going on? Frank Barone: Supercop, here, wants to give me a ticket. Robert Barone: I don't want to. I have to. Frank Barone: He's got a quota to fill. Robert Barone: You hit my squad car! Frank Barone: I don't care if I killed a guy! You're my son, you have to look the other way! Am I right, Ray? Ray Barone: Dad, whatever you do, I want to look the other way. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Robert Barone: If you didn't hit my car then how did all the black and white paint get on yours? Frank Barone: I hit a penguin! |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Frank Barone: [to Robert about traffic incident] What ever I do, I'm your father, you should look the other way! Frank Barone: [to Ray] Right? Ray Barone: Dad, what *ever* you do, I look the other way. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Debra Barone: [astonished as Frank's renewed drivers license] The problem is he has the State of New York behind him now. Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah well, they better not try to pass him cause he'll flip 'em off. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Debra Barone: Ray. Listen, I've decided that I don't want Frank driving the kids anymore. Ray Barone: What? Debra Barone: I don't want him driving the kids. Makes me uncomfortable. Robert Barone: Because of the swearing? Debra Barone: Because of the driving! He's not a safe driver. Ray Barone: Yeah, well I don't think I can tell him that he can't drive his own grandkids around. Debra Barone: Why not? He's too aggressive. Ray Barone: That's why I can't tell him. |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Driving Frank Robert Barone: Liver week was my fault. Would've been one night if I just could have swallowed it. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Invasion Frank Barone: You don't know a monkey wrench from a monkey's ass. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Invasion Ray Barone: [to Robert] Dude you are way to free with the body |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - The Invasion Ray Barone: [Ray is climbing into bed with Robert after a fight with Debra] Man you think you could put on a shirt. Ray Barone: And some underpants |
 | Season 2 / Episode 25: - The Wedding (2) Robert Barone: I see a lot of bad things Ray Barone: Being a cop and all? Robert Barone: Mom and Dad |
 | Season 2 / Episode 24: - The Wedding (1) Ray Barone: You're already planning the wedding? Debra Barone: I've been planning it since I was 12. Ray Barone: But you didn't meet me until you were 22. Debra Barone: Well, you're the last piece of the puzzle. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 22: - Six Feet Under Ray Barone: When I was a teenager I wanted to write the Great American novel. But then I realized that I didn't even want to read the Great American Novel. |
| Season 2 / Episode 22: - Six Feet Under Ray Barone: I'm six feet tall. People ask me how I am. I'm six feet tall. That's how I am. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 21: - Traffic School Robert Barone: Now I would like you to tell us what offense led you to be here today. Lets start with... Raymond. Ray Barone: ...I killed my brother. Robert Barone: Traffic offense. Ray Barone: Oh, oh, can you go lie down on the driveway for a minute? |
| Season 2 / Episode 21: - Traffic School Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Marie is it? Ok hi Marie. Can you tell me what you should do before backing out of the driveway? Marie Barone: Well you fasten your seatbelt. Robert Barone: Okay? Marie Barone: You check your mirrors. Robert Barone: Correct. Marie Barone: You look to the left and to the right. You look behind you. Robert Barone: Anything else? Marie Barone: No I think that's it. Robert Barone: Oh you think that's it? She thinks that's it Robert Barone: [he begins to talk as himself] Isn't that everything Timmy? Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Oh sure that's it except making sure your first born child is in the car before you pull out of a gas station in New Mexico! Ray Barone: I don't know. That's awfully specific. Marie Barone: Robbie that was thirty years ago. Robert Barone: [as himself] I don't have a problem with it. Debra Barone: Uh-oh. |
| Season 2 / Episode 21: - Traffic School Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Frank can you tell me what is the proper following distance? Frank Barone: Well if the guy is going really slow I like to be right on his butt. So if he looks back he can read my lips. Robert Barone: [as himself] No Dad the correct answer is one car length per ten miles of speed. Robert Barone: [as Timmy] Yeah remind me never to drive with you. Ya crazy old bastard! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 19: - Good Girls Marie Barone: Fine! You got it out of me. Your father and I... succumbed to temptation before we got married. I fell for your father's boyish good looks. But, it didn't matter. We were in love. Right, Frank? Frank Barone: I wanted sex. |
| Season 2 / Episode 19: - Good Girls Marie: Okay, me and your father slept together just ONCE before we were married. Ray and Robert: WHAT? Marie: We were in love, right? Frank: I was young. There was some attachment. |
| Season 2 / Episode 19: - Good Girls Robert Barone: I guess I should know. When *is* my birthday? Marie Barone: April 6th. Robert Barone: Well that's today. Ray Barone: [after a slight pause] Surprise! |
| Season 2 / Episode 19: - Good Girls Robert Barone: Well congratulations Raymond. You were concieved legitimately. You win again Ray Barone: It's not a competition Robert. [Ray smiles gleefully] |
 | Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Ride-Along Marie Barone: [Ray and Robert have a flu] I told you two to button up your coats |
| Season 2 / Episode 17: - The Ride-Along Marie Barone: Frank! What are you doing? You can't eat it from there! Your fork was in there! Now nobody can eat it! Frank Barone: That's all I have to do? In that case, the fork's been in the ice cream, too! Ray Barone: [comes in] Hey. Marie Barone: Hi, Raymond. Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat? Only you can't have lasagna... Or ice cream. Frank Barone: [sticks his fork in cake] Or chocolate cake. Marie Barone: Look at him! He's like an animal, marking his territory! Marie Barone: Hey! Frank Barone: What? That's a compliment. Ray Barone: God, how I wish I could say this is the wrong house... |
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