Everybody Loves Raymond - Episode Quotes

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Everybody Loves Raymond Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 15: - Pat's Secret Pat McDougal: You know I love you with all my heart Hank, but I think if I didn't have my cigarettes... I'd have to fight you!
	Season 9 / Episode 15: - Pat's Secret Marie Barone: [after Pat Reveals that she smokes, Marie is upset with Robert] So, suddenly Pat's a hero... How about if I smoked the pot... Would you be closer to me then?
	Season 9 / Episode 15: - Pat's Secret Peter MacDougall: You know, even though I'm not married, I do secret things to. Amy MacDougall Barone: We know Petey, eat your chips. Peter MacDougall: Sometimes I sneak up behind Miss Puss and bark like a dog.
	Season 9 / Episode 15: - Pat's Secret Hank MacDougall: Why don't you just drink poison? Robert Barone: Do you have any?
	Season 9 / Episode 12: - Tasteless Frank Marie Barone: [Frank is taking male enhancement pills that affect his sense of taste] I'm touched that our years in the boudoir have meant so much to you. Frank Barone: Well, they have. But if it's all the same to you... I'd rather have the food.
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Angry Sex Marie Barone: Oh, I am surprised, Raymond. You're supposed to think of your mother before sex.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Not So Fast Robert Barone: [Ray and Robert are arguing who Marie should live with] How about I hit you with your own wife?
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Not So Fast Debra Barone: I don't understand, Marie and Frank seem so happy here. Scott: I assure you, they're the only ones.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Not So Fast Marie Barone: So, I'm not gone a month and my 100-year-old priceless Bulgarian upright piano is in the basement. And has been replaced by you... with this [pointing at the exercise machine] Robert Barone: Do you even know what that is, Ma? Marie Barone: Yes, I do know what that is! I may be an ancient relic as far as you're concerned, but I'm still able to know what things are!... this is a sex machine. Robert Barone: Ma! Frank Barone: Can I go for a ride? Amy MacDougall Barone: It's not a sex machine. It's for exercise. Marie Barone: I don't care what you call it. Look at this place. You two have turned my home into the Playboy Mansion
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - Not So Fast Robert Barone: [complaining to God about his life] You are not funny! Debra Barone: [whispers to Raymond] He does screw with him a lot.
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - The Mentor Frank Barone: Okay everybody, you're allowed in my home unless you sit in my chair, touch my remote, or are married to me. Marie Barone: That's how you talk after church, Frank? Frank Barone: Yeah, my prayers weren't answered. Marie Barone: Next time, pray for hair. Raymond "Ray" Barone: I hate to break it to both of you, but God stopped listening to you two a long time ago.
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - The Mentor Sam: When I was a kid I used to work at the same company as your father. He was a real mentor to me. Robert Barone: Mentor? Raymond "Ray" Barone: You sure you don't mean *tor*-mentor?
	Season 8 / Episode 22: - The Mentor Amy MacDougall Barone: [after Marie critizies Deborah's cooking] Did that hurt your feelings a little? Deborah: Well, ya. Amy MacDougall Barone: [mocks Frank] Well, stop your cryin, and get off your pitty pot, Nancy! Deborah: You really are queer.
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - The Model Marie Barone: Oh Robby, that's wonderful! As a boy, you were always a Looker. Frank Barone: I always thought he was more of a "Look at that!".
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - The Model Amy MacDougall Barone: They say he could make a hundred thousand a year! Frank Barone: Holy crap! [to Robert] Shut up, paint your face, and start swingin' it down town!
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - The Model Amy MacDougall Barone: While we were waiting for our food, Robert got discovered! Raymond 'Ray' Barone: Discovered as in "Hey, I found Bigfoot"?
	Season 8 / Episode 21: - The Model Amy MacDougall Barone: When we were waiting for our order in the bar, ROBERT GOT DISCOVERED! Ray Barone: Discovered as in, hey I found Big Foot?
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - The Ingrate Marie Barone: Let me tell you, it didn't start with a smile. It started with nineteen hours of horrible labor! Frank Barone: But before that, there was a smile.
	Season 8 / Episode 17: - The Ingrate Ray Barone: [recognizing each family member in turn] And you sweet mother. Without your pushing, I would still be in your womb.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Security Raymond "Ray" Barone: It's still doing it, Robert! Censor is going off for no reason at all. Robert Barone: Yeah, well it can be a bit jumpy. You know, for just an extra $25.99 a month I can install ANOTHER one. Raymond "Ray" Barone: Yeah. How about I install my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ... Debra Barone: RAY!
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Security Marie Barone: [Marie and Frank enter] Hello, dears. Debra Barone: [to Amy] Why couldn't the alarm go off now?
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Security Raymond "Ray" Barone: I didn't get robbed till I got an alarm!
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Lateness Raymond "Ray" Barone: Let me tell you. My father had a system: AIS. Like whenever we'd go somewhere, he'd set a time and he'd be like: "We're leaving. 9:00, AIS!" Debra Barone: AIS? Raymond "Ray" Barone: Ass In Seat. Whoever's ass was not in their seat at the designated time, that ass was left behind. Debra Barone: So during the fall did you have to set your ass back an hour?
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Lateness Debra Barone: You used to think I was worth waiting for. Raymond "Ray" Barone: You were worth waiting for, but after 15 years you should BE here by now!
	Season 8 / Episode 9: - The Bird Hank MacDougall: Did anyone hear some savages talking?
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Peter on the Couch Robert Barone: [to Amy, about Peter] Yeah, I noticed his underwear hanging on the doorknob. Which reminds me, if you go out today, pick up a new doorknob.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Peter on the Couch Peter MacDougall: Nobody judges you on the floor of the bus station.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Peter on the Couch Robert Barone: [Amy starts to cry] Oh Amy! Don't cry! Don't Cry! Amy! LOOK FRUIT!
	Season 8 / Episode 4: - Misery Loves Company Ray Barone: You're an idiot wrapped in a moron!
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Home From School Ray Barone: You're an idiot wrapped in a moron.