Ed Quotes

Ed

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Proposal Mike Burton: You're impotent
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - The Proposal Russ Burton: I'm sorry I burnt down your house Mike Burton: Thanks Dad, that means a lot to me
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: I am a lawyer, I own a bowling alley. Two separate things.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: The fact of the matter is you can't live without me. Carol Vessey: What? Ed Stevens: That's right you could move away to Guam, Borneo, Harrisberg Pennsylvania, god knows where, the truth is you'll be making a beeline right back to Stuckeyville. You know why? Ed Stevens: Capital "E" lower case "d"!
	Unknown Episode: Phil Stubbs: Shave my poodle!
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: Hi! Carol Vessey: I don't think I can handle you being adorable right now. Ed Stevens: Sorry, I can't turn that off.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: It's very good Shirley. Shirley Pifko: Are you coming on to me?
	Unknown Episode: Carol Vessey: My one chance at something vaguely resembling happiness, and you destroyed it. Ed Stevens: What? Carol Vessey: You ruined my wedding, and... and you made me lose Dennis. Ed Stevens: How could I have ruined your wedding? I wasn't even there. Carol Vessey: Of course you were there. You're always there. Because no matter what I try to do Ed Stevens is always there. Ed Stevens: I... I don't know... I don't know what you're so upset about. Carol Vessey: Ed, do you want to know why Dennis walked out of the wedding? Ed Stevens: Why? Carol Vessey: I'll tell you why. I'll... I'll tell you why! Because he thought I was looking around the church for you. He thought I was looking for Ed Stevens. Ed Stevens: Were you? Carol Vessey: Yeah. Yeah, I was. Ed Stevens: Why Carol? Carol Vessey: Because you never stop. It's been this way ever since you came back to Stuckeyville. You didn't even know me. Ed, you did not even know me, and yet you made it your life's work to just, to wear me down. It's like, it's like you crawled into my skull, and you found a nice, comfy little place to rest, and you refuse to leave. No matter what I said, no matter what I did, you just never stopped coming after me. You, you just never stopped! Ed Stevens: You never wanted me to stop! And you wanted me to stop. It's true Carol. I did all these things. I dressed up as a knight. I sang. I danced. I threw waffles at your bedroom window. I hired a skywriter. I got up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy, and you loved it. You loved it. And you hated it. Because you didn't think you deserved it. And you know what Carol? You were right. What, what are you doing? Carol Vessey: I don't know. I don't know. Ed Stevens: Carol, look at me. I'm dying. I gotta get off this ride.
	Unknown Episode: Warren Cheswick: What's zeroing down? Donna Tozzi: What? Warren Cheswick: You know instead of what's going down... What's zeroing... never mind.
	Unknown Episode: Warren Cheswick: This sucks! I was up all night carving Jello!
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: Ten bucks if you yell "I love kitties" at the top of your lungs. Ed Stevens: I LOVE KITTIES!
	Unknown Episode: Carol Vessey: Hello my Powder blue friend.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: Quack quack. That's all I got... beer's over there.
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: These crazy Belgian bastards know how to live!
	Unknown Episode: Phil Stubbs: Hey! You like sex? Come to the Festival of Ducks!
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: I've got my money on grease fire.
	Unknown Episode: Molly Hudson: You're lucky you didn't sleep with him. He would have bought a strip mall.
	Unknown Episode: Molly Hudson: I just thought I'd spice it up a bit. I mean, why say 'Hello' when you can say 'Hellooooooooo'?
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: Who would win in a fight - a big, strong guy or an invisible fat guy?
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: I figure I'll go downtown once a month, maybe work the hotel lobbies, sell my body to aging divorcees. Nancy Burton: Well, honey, you really think we can live on thirty-eight cents a month?
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: Medically speaking, you have a brain the size of a marble.
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: Ed, Lewis and Clark had a journal. You, my friend, have a diary.
	Unknown Episode: Shirley Pifko: Bendy straws make drinking more pleasurable.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: We're circling each other like Venezuelan flamingoes engaged in a complex mating dance.
	Unknown Episode: Warren Cheswick: Ok, like, we can't eat that much popcorn and drink that much soda. For the love of God! No one can!
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: I disagree, Dr. Jerome. Dr. Walter Jerome: You don't get to disagree, you knuckle-dragging cretin!
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: In the criminal justice system, Bonnie Hane's day is divided into two separate yet equally important parts: prosecuting offenders, and having lunch. This... is her story.
	Unknown Episode: Ed Stevens: I was wondering, how much power does the prom queen actually wield? Could you have like, say, bombed Belgium?
	Unknown Episode: Mike Burton: Hey, guys! Hey, you gotta see this! Kenny's about to stop a bowling ball with his head! Ed Stevens: You don't see that every day.
	Unknown Episode: Phil Stubbs: Oh man, I am so drunk! I drank too much alcohol! You can call me Mr. McDrunko!

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