Captain Hero

Drawn Together

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Characters: #4 of 10 (Full List)

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Played by:

Jess Harnell

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Captain Hero Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lost In Parking Space, Part One Captain Hero: Oh yay! I can't wait to go to Baby Gap, In-N-Out Burger, Foot Locker, and all the other euphemisms for vagina.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Lost In Parking Space, Part One Xandir P Whifflebottom: Today's the day you promised we'd all go to the mall together. Captain Hero: I thought today was the day you were going to shut the fuck up!
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - A Very Special Drawn Together Afterschool Special Wooldoor Sockbat: [the housemates are role-playing, Wooldoor speaks to Xandir] "Now, you be the gay's dad". Xandir: "Oh, O.K". [deeper voice] "I love football!" [slaps Toot, who is Xandir's mother] . Wooldoor Sockbat: [points to Captain Hero] "And you be the gay". Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] "I ain't gonna be no homo!". Wooldoor Sockbat: "Fine, you be Xandir's mum". Captain Hero: [as Xandir's mother in a higher voice] "Alright, I'm asking for this!" [slaps himself] . Toot Braunstein: [Angrily] "Then who the hell am I?". Wooldoor Sockbat: "You're the homo". Toot Braunstein: [wistfully] "Can I be the dad?". Wooldoor Sockbat: "Fine, you be Stan". Xandir: [confused] "Then who the hell am I?". Toot Braunstein: [angrily, as Xandir's father] "The queer!" [punches Captain Hero, who is Xandir's mother] . Wooldoor Sockbat: [disappointed] "I wanted to be the queer!".
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - The Lemon-AIDS Walk Captain Hero: Hey there, bub. I need the strongest stuff you've got. Vitamin Store Clerk: Well, sir, we've got a terrific line of herbal supplements. Captain Hero: Herbal? What do I look like to you? Some crazy wacko who'll put anything inside his body, and then take pictures of it coming out, and post them on his website, which gets over 10,000 hits a day--most of them in Germany? Do I? Do I?!
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Xandir and Tim, Sitting In a Tree Captain Hero: Something was amiss. Xandir was acting strange, Tim Tommerson was awfully quiet and I noticed that I was getting fucked in the ass more than usual.
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Captain Girl Captain Hero: [while talking about Hustler magazine] It gives every man x-ray vision, if you know what I mean. Buy a copy and see for yourself.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Captain Hero's Marriage Pact Captain Hero: Would you be more comfortable if I broke your arm in three places and wrapped it in 100 dollar bills? Wooldoor Sockbat: Are you threatening me - or bribing me? Captain Hero: What an insulting accusation! Take that back before I pull out your spleen and then drive you to the hospital in your... BRAND NEW CAR!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The One Wherein There Is A Big Twist (2) Captain Hero: With my super powers, I could have easily saved my housemates, but I couldn't react. Why? Because I smoke marijuana. Still think drugs are cool?
	Unknown Episode: Toot Braunstein: [to Xandir] Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero? [a body hanging from a tree blows in the breeze] Captain Hero: Uh... yeah. Killed himself.
	Unknown Episode: Xandir: Good-bye cruel world! Toot Braunstein: Damn it, Xander, that noise! You're keeping us all awake. Can't you kill yourself more quietly, like Bizzaro Captain Hero did? [camera pans to Bizzaro Captain Hero, who is hanging dead from the ceiling] Captain Hero: Uh, yeah, right. Killed himself, tragic!
	Unknown Episode: Bizzaro Captain Hero: Oh, hello, hello Captain Hero! I not see you since initiation into league of heroes. Captain Hero: Zip it! What happens in Bizzaro World, stays in Bizzaro World! Bizzaro Captain Hero: Well, technically bathroom at bus station not considered Bizzaro World.
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: [speaking to the other house guests] Oh, come on! If you're in a bus station and they sell postcards for Bizzaro World, you have to assume you're in Bizzaro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: Hey, pig! Great news! Wooldoor Sockbat: Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol! Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantalope? Spanky Ham: [farts] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waited an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: I could stick and stir anyone of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those sexy black chicks Foxxy Love: [Opens Door] Bling bling! Foxxy Love is in the house! Captain Hero: Damn, I am good! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey! [camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens] Captain Hero: Damn.
	Unknown Episode: Foxxy Love: [the housemates have to vote on whether or not to keep Foxxy] You know this vote is total crap. She was totally into it! You saw us tongue-bang it! Captain Hero: Sorry Foxxy, but if I vote you out now, I'll be one step closer to the million dollars! Foxxy Love: Million dollars? You know this ain't one of them kinda shows right? Ain't no prizes! Captain Hero: [aside in the confessional] Ah, silly Foxxy. She'll never win the million dollars with that kind of attitude!
	Unknown Episode: Toot Braunstein: Blah, blah, blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I... Captain Hero: Do you mind, Fudgy? I'm on the phone! Toot Braunstein: I don't care! I got to call my AA sponsor! Captain Hero: [in a girlish voice] I said I'm on the phone!
	Unknown Episode: Princess Clara: [about her octopussoir] Oh, please, please don't tell anybody. I'm afraid that I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear! Foxxy Love: I pinky swear. Toot Braunstein: [They look at Toot] FINE! I pinky swear. [Clara's octopussoir also pinky swears] Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a meeting about it. Princess Clara: How is that even possible? Toot Braunstein: Oopsey-Tootsey! I couldn't help myself.
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: [while playing spin the bottle with Spanky Ham and Wooldoor sockbat] Hey! If you're gonna be gay about this, you can't play!
	Unknown Episode: Princess Clara: What is this thing in my mouth? / It's slippery and it's slimy / Travelling down my slender virgin pink esophagus. / Some black chick's tongue. / It's such a new sensation. Foxxy Love: I got a mayonnaise mama on my lickin' hole / And we've only just begun... Princess Clara: It's really quite thrilling... Foxxy Love: It's right. Now you know... Princess Clara: I can taste a filling... Foxxy Love: And it's solid gold... Princess Clara: I never dreamed I would be so willing / To let myself go. Foxxy Love: Tell me about it! / I'm totally frenching a racist 'ho! Princess Clara, Foxxy Love: This black chick's tongue Princess Clara: What a wonderful feeling Foxxy Love: Damn where'd this bitch get her earrings? Princess Clara: I've never had so much fun Princess Clara, Foxxy Love: As with this black chick's tongue. Captain Hero: How cool is this? / We've only been here a day / And I already find myself in a 3-way!
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: I would've been more pissed at Spanky, but you know, I just won FIFTY DOLLARS!
	Unknown Episode: Xandir: You used to care about me! Captain Hero: What? Xandir: You used to say I was pretty! Captain Hero: No, I didn't! Xandir: You used to dress up for me! Captain Hero: Only that one time!
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: Oho! We fell for the ol' neck-sprain, well-lit pie diversion.
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: Jerk-off assholes...
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: Don't make me kick your ass! Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your cock! Captain Hero: Don't make me cuddle you like a baby! Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your cock!
	Unknown Episode: Captain Hero: Here's to the tiniest ass you can tap without setting off an Amber Alert!

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