Dilbert Quotes

Dilbert

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 2 / Episode 17: - Ethics Alice: What's the old familiarity technique? Wally: It involves spending so much time with a woman that she gets used to your faults. It's like falling in love but without the expense. Dilbert: If I could have made this tobacco lobbyist spend enough time with me... Wally: ...while she was using you... Dilbert: ...then maybe, just maybe, the inertia would carry her beyond the point of being repulsed by my personality. Wally: Then one day if she breaks up with a socially functional boyfriend, she might be to emotionally crippled to date again. And there Dilbert will be. Alice: Why don't you just date a woman who respects you in the first place? Wally: You can do that?
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Fact Pointy-Haired Boss: Perhaps we need further research? Dilbert: Yes! Pointy-Haired Boss: Perhaps further study? Dilbert: Yes! Pointy-Haired Boss: Who's got time for that, you prig? No, we need to create some favorable facts first. Dilbert: Favorable facts? Pointy-Haired Boss: Yes. Favorable facts. The other kind are worthless. Wally: We could flip a coin. Pointy-Haired Boss: No, too risky. Loud Howard: We could test humans. That's always fun. Asok: What about monkeys? Or rabbits, or puppies? We've had some success hurting them in the past, haven't we? Alice: Dilbert could do some tests on mice. Mice are full of favorable facts. Pointy-Haired Boss: Very good. Mice it is. Dilbert: This is ridiculous, but at least that's vaguely scientific. I'll need a budget to get some mice. Pointy-Haired Boss: We're not PAYING for mice. Good God man the streets are full of them!
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Fact Dilbert: You can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition. Dogbert: Apparently you haven't been to the book store lately.
	Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Fact Dogbert: I have discovered a heretofore undiagnosed condition. Dilbert: There is no such thing as Chronic Cubicle Syndrome. Dogbert: Initially victims exhibit denial. Dilbert: But you have no proof. Dogbert: Oh, I have something much better than proof. Anecdotal evidence! Dogbert: Who do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence? Dogbert: I've narrowed my target market to... PEOPLE!
	Season 2 / Episode 14: - The Delivery (2) Wally: There is one last testing. Dilbert, will you date me? Dilbert: Not for a thousand years! Wally: Yeah, he's a woman.
	Season 2 / Episode 14: - The Delivery (2) Asok: Dilbert, maybe you should see a doctor. Dilbert: [crying] Stop trying to solve my problems!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - The Virtual Employee Wally: Wow. Old Zeke! Alice: Actually, that's Young Zeke Who Takes Really Bad Care Of Himself.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - The Virtual Employee Wally: An act of Todd? Is Todd's word not good enough for you?
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - The Off-Site Meeting Dilbert: Dogbert? Dogbert? Ratbert: How may I be of service? Dilbert: You can tell me where Dogbert is. Ratbert: He left early this morning. Something about installing a puppet government. Dilbert: He's always installing a puppet government when I need him!
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Gift Alice: A gift certificate is completely different from cash. Dilbert: No, it's not. They're both pieces of paper you can exchange for goods and services. Alice: You're missing the point. Dilbert: Actually, a gift certificate is worse than cash, because you can only use it in one place. Wally: And it expires. Alice: At least it shows some thought. Dilbert: It shows defective thought. You're trading perfectly good money for something that does the same thing, only not as well.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Gift Dilbert: Why are people flying off the escalator? And what happened to Dogbert? And why do I think those questions are related?
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - The Gift Seven of Nine Alarm Clock: Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Get up and assimilate the day. Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Get up and assimilate the day. Dilbert: I wonder if I could ever date a woman like Jeri Ryan. Seven of Nine Alarm Clock: That too is futile. Dilbert: Ok, that's enough out of you. Seven of Nine Alarm Clock: Do not touch me. Dilbert: Then how do I turn you off? Seven of Nine Alarm Clock: Believe me, I am plenty turned off right now. Dilbert: Clock-tease.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Prototype Alice: I've got images in my brain I'll never get out.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Prototype Alice: You made this happen. You made me think of Dilbert and sex at the same time.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Prototype Dilbert: [in a video where he is in the bathtub reaching down into the water immediately in front of him between his legs] It's so small. I can't even find it!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - The Prototype Dilbert: [repeated line to his co-workers] I was talking about the soap!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Competition Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter? Dogbert: I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know. Dilbert: Have you been using me as your main source of industry information? Dogbert: No, not the main source. I also make stuff up.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Name Dilbert: [Dilbert is in the shower, with a voice activated temperature control] The shower's calibrated to respond to my voice only. Dogbert: Boy, you think of everything. Dilbert: I'm cautious. Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels until you were seventeen Dilbert: I was fourteen. [Shower temperature goes to 14 degrees] AAAAAAGH! [Almost frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [The temperature goes back to 99] Don't do that! Dogbert: Where did you get the voice for that thing, it sounds like the computer from that stupid movie, what was it, "Something, something, a Space Odyssey?" Dilbert: It wasn't called "Something Something: A Space Odyssey," it was called "2001: A Space AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" [cut to exterior of house, as Dilbert's shower rises to 2001 degrees, cut to interior of house where Dilbert's skin is red hot, he puts on his towel which catches on fire as he walks out] Dogbert: On the plus side, you look very clean.
	Unknown Episode: Wally: Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy Alice: That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless. Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.
	Unknown Episode: Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good. Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend. Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good. Dilbert: That would NOT feel good. Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet. Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?
	Unknown Episode: Pointy-Haired Boss: And remember, money is no object... unless you intend to spend it.
	Unknown Episode: Dogbert: They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal.
	Unknown Episode: Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight. Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.
	Unknown Episode: Pointy-Haired Boss: They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.
	Unknown Episode: Dilmom: Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind. Dilbert: Name calling? Dilmom: Only on your own turn.
	Unknown Episode: Dilbert: Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?
	Unknown Episode: Pointy-Haired Boss: Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.
	Unknown Episode: Dilbert: Ratbert, where's Dogbert? Ratbert: He's off somewhere installing a puppet government. Dilbert: He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.
	Unknown Episode: Garbage Man: It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.
	Unknown Episode: Bob Bastard: Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

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