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Characters: #5 of 11 (Full List)
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 | Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Fact Dilbert: You can't publish a book about an unproven medical condition. Dogbert: Apparently you haven't been to the book store lately. |
| Season 2 / Episode 16: - The Fact Dogbert: I have discovered a heretofore undiagnosed condition. Dilbert: There is no such thing as Chronic Cubicle Syndrome. Dogbert: Initially victims exhibit denial. Dilbert: But you have no proof. Dogbert: Oh, I have something much better than proof. Anecdotal evidence! Dogbert: Who do you think would be dumb enough to believe anecdotal evidence? Dogbert: I've narrowed my target market to... PEOPLE! |
| Season 1 / Episode 2: - The Competition Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter? Dogbert: I'm willing to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know. Dilbert: Have you been using me as your main source of industry information? Dogbert: No, not the main source. I also make stuff up. |
| Season 1 / Episode 1: - The Name Dilbert: [Dilbert is in the shower, with a voice activated temperature control] The shower's calibrated to respond to my voice only. Dogbert: Boy, you think of everything. Dilbert: I'm cautious. Dogbert: That's why you had training wheels until you were seventeen Dilbert: I was fourteen. [Shower temperature goes to 14 degrees] AAAAAAGH! [Almost frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [The temperature goes back to 99] Don't do that! Dogbert: Where did you get the voice for that thing, it sounds like the computer from that stupid movie, what was it, "Something, something, a Space Odyssey?" Dilbert: It wasn't called "Something Something: A Space Odyssey," it was called "2001: A Space AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" [cut to exterior of house, as Dilbert's shower rises to 2001 degrees, cut to interior of house where Dilbert's skin is red hot, he puts on his towel which catches on fire as he walks out] Dogbert: On the plus side, you look very clean. |
| Unknown Episode: Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good. Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend. Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good. Dilbert: That would NOT feel good. Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet. Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way? |
| Unknown Episode: Dogbert: They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight. Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter? Dogbert: I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out. Dogbert: Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: That's it. I think I've done it. Dogbert: That's not the word on the street. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means? Dogbert: Hmm, probably an omen. Dilbert: A good omen? Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt? Dilbert: There only has to be one. |
| Unknown Episode: Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people? Dogbert: That's crazy talk. |
| Unknown Episode: Dogbert: Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others. |
| Unknown Episode: Dilbert: What's wrong with me? Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian. |
| Previous: Alice | Next: Asok |
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