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Lt. Maria Laguerta Quotes
 | Season 4 / Episode 4: - Dex Takes a Holiday Lt. Maria Laguerta: [Opening the door to Dexter's lab finding Dexter, Debra, and Frank Lundy on the floor... Debra and Frank Lundy are hiding from Lt Laguerta] Where's Masuka? Dexter Morgan: ...On vacation. Debra Morgan: He's probably in Mexico taking a donkey show tour. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - That Night, a Forest Grew Lt. Maria Laguerta: Now I'm on the line, so if you bully Dexter in any way, if you even look at him wrong, I will not be responsible for the fallout. You got it? Sergeant Doakes: I got it. Sergeant Doakes: [after a pause] You're backing the fucking freaktard. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - That Night, a Forest Grew Lt. Maria Laguerta: You and Dexter resolve your issues? Sergeant Doakes: As far as I'm concerned. Why? The bitch come crying to you again? Lt. Maria Laguerta: No. There's blood work to be done here, and if you can't control yourself, I need to call in another detective. Sergeant Doakes: I won't say anything to hurt the little girl's feelings. Lt. Maria Laguerta: God damn it, James, I'm not joking. Sergeant Doakes: Do I look like I'm laughing? Lt. Maria Laguerta: No. You don't. I wish you would. You used to. Sergeant Doakes: Bullshit. I never laughed. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 3: - An Inconvenient Lie Vince Masuka: [watching Pascal on TV] The boss' sweater melons look bigger on TV. Lt. Maria Laguerta: The operative word is "boss". Show some respect. Vince Masuka: I thought I was. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 10: - Seeing Red Dexter Morgan: That leaves only one set of footprints unaccounted for, the killer's. This shows everywhere he went in the room. The question is: Why? Lt. Maria Laguerta: Now, hold on. Am I missing something? Where are the victims' footprints? Dexter Morgan: Give that lady a lollipop! |
 | Season 1 / Episode 9: - Father Knows Best Sgt. James Doakes: I saw a gun in the suspect's waistband. I went to question him, and he took off running when he saw me. Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Angel, you saw all this? Angel Batista: Yeah, I saw Angel Batista: bolt, and I turned the car around in pursuit. Lt. Maria LaGuerta: All right, then when you went under the Causeway? Sgt. James Doakes: He took a shot at me. I took cover and returned fire from that corner. Dexter Morgan: No, not from there. Sgt. James Doakes: Yeah, from fuckin' right there! Dexter Morgan: Look, if you shot him from there, the blood splatter would go in that direction, but look at the patterns. Sgt. James Doakes: [angry] You questionin' me? 'Cause I got a lot of questions for you! Angel Batista: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, the man's just doing what he's supposed to do. Sgt. James Doakes: The man is a fuckin' creep job! Lt. Maria LaGuerta: [placatingly] James, just focus on the facts, okay? Now, the D.A.'s Team is ready for you. Are you good? Sgt. James Doakes: I'm good. Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Yeah. You're up next. Dexter Morgan: [amused, to Angel] Sorry, but I didn't invent physics. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 8: - Shrink Wrap Lt. Maria Laguerta: We both want the same thing. Neil Perry: Uh, ten minutes alone with Angelina? Lt. Maria Laguerta: To see you convicted. |
| Season 1 / Episode 8: - Shrink Wrap Dexter Morgan: What can I do for you? Lt. Maria Laguerta: So many things. I need the blood spatter report on Vanessa Gale. Dexter Morgan: Blood spatter's inconclusive. All I can tell is she was shot at close range. I wish I had more for you. Lt. Maria Laguerta: Mm. Me, too. Captain Tom Matthews: Maria! The D.A. needs the work-sheet for the Ice Truck Killer case. Lt. Maria Laguerta: I'm working on it. [puzzled] When did you talk to the D.A.? Captain Tom Matthews: Oh, we had dinner last night. Mayor Allen took us out to celebrate Neil Perry's arrest. Hell of a good time. Lt. Maria Laguerta: [She gives him a fake smile as he leaves and murmurs something including the word "puta."] I'm the one who get Perry to confess, and he's got the Mayor kissing his ass. Dexter Morgan: I wouldn't be too upset. Matthews will be the one with the egg on his face soon enough. Lt. Maria Laguerta: [softly] You still believe we got the wrong guy? Dexter Morgan: Perry's a pretender to the throne. The real king is still out there, and he'll kill again. It's just a matter of time. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 6: - Return to Sender Debra Morgan: Let me ask you a question. Why do you have it in for me? Lt. Maria Laguerta: You're loud, you're impulsive, and you constantly question authority. Debra Morgan: Fair enough. Lt. Maria Laguerta: I hear you have an interesting theory on who... |
 | Season 1 / Episode 4: - Let's Give the Boy a Hand Lt. Maria LaGuerta: Do you think Tucci's still alive? Dexter Morgan: If he is, he won't be for long. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 2: - Crocodile Debra Morgan: Watching ice melt, this is fun. Vince Masuka: Stand a little closer, Morgan, and I'll melt your heart. Angel Batista: I think he's got a crush on you, Dex! Dexter Morgan: Huh? Vince Masuka: Yo, I was talking to Morgan the sister. Vince Masuka only swings one way. Debra Morgan: Yeah, from vine to vine... Lt. Maria Laguerta: Enough! Glad to see the sexual harassment seminar really paid off. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 1: - Dexter Lt. Maria Laguerta: So then he must have already had the head with him in the front seat. Huh, that's weird. Why would he keep it there? Dexter Morgan: I don't know. So he could use a carpool lane |
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