Desperate Housewives Quotes

Desperate Housewives

- Episode Quotes

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Desperate Housewives Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 24: - If It's Only in Your Head Parker Scavo: I can help you study if you want. Tom Scavo: I'm not sure how much help you're gonna be. I'm majoring in Chinese. Preston Scavo: I know how to say "Take me to a strip bar" in Mandarin. Lynette Scavo: I'm so proud. Porter aren't you gonna congratulate your father. Porter Scavo: Congratulations on ruining my life. If you see me on campus you're not allowed to talk to me.
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - If It's Only in Your Head Porter Scavo: We finished upstairs Ana! Preston Scavo: Anything else you need done? Ana Solis: They wanted to hang out but I had chores to do, so they insisted on helping me. Aren't they sweet! Parker Scavo: [Comes in with a brush and cleaning gloves] Hey, um, I'm not bragging, and I don't recommend it, but you could so eat out of your downstairs toilet. Gabrielle Solis: Ok boys thanks for your hard work but maybe it's time to go home and take a shower. Preferably a cold one. Ana Solis: Bye Preston! Porter Scavo: I'm Porter. Preston Scavo: I'm Preston. Parker Scavo: Oh, you can call me whatever you want!
	Season 5 / Episode 22: - Marry Me a Little Bree: Orson, we've been robbed! Orson Hodge: It wasn't me, I swear.
	Season 5 / Episode 19: - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know Susan Mayer: [to Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine.
	Season 5 / Episode 19: - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know Gabrielle Solis: Ladies, start your blenders.
	Season 5 / Episode 18: - A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. Edie Britt: [to Dave] I always wondered why you were so determined to live on Wisteria Lane.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Story of Lucy and Jessie Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her? Susan Mayer: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss. Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her! Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut? Susan Mayer: I don't know. Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? Susan Mayer: I don't remember. Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this? Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this? Susan Mayer: Uh... the second one. Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian. Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - In a World Where the Kings are Employers Porter Scavo: Ooh, Dad called a family meeting. Parker Scavo: Yeah, mom he said it's about the restaurant. Lynette Scavo: Oh boy, I think I know what this is about. Things have been tough down at the restaurant and I think your dad has finally decided to sell it. Parker Scavo: Wow! Preston Scavo: Is he gonna be okay? Lynette Scavo: I don't know, that's why we all have to be really supportive, and you with me? [all nod] Tom Scavo: Hey guys, good, you're all here. Penny Scavo: I love you daddy! Lynette Scavo: Not yet. Tom Scavo: I wanted to talk to you all about our pizzeria. Lynette Scavo: Just know that we're 100% behind you. Tom Scavo: That means a lot because this was a really rough day for me. I had to let all our employees go. So starting tomorrow, you kids are my new wait staff! Lynette Scavo: Tom, what the hell are you talking about? Tom Scavo: You and I'll handle the days and the kids'll join us after school and on the weekends. Parker Scavo: At the risk of sounding spoiled, a-noo. Tom Scavo: Come on, we'll love working together, Porter Scavo: Why? We don't even like living together. Preston Scavo: You're not even going to pay us? Penny Scavo: I'm nine, is that even legal? Tom Scavo: I think so, but just to be sure, you're fifteen, happy birthday! Parker Scavo: Mom, please do something.
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - In a World Where the Kings are Employers Lynette Scavo: [Penny won't make salads] You're not a baby, you're fifteen, remember? Penny Scavo: Also, I can't find my band-aid. Lynette Scavo: Ok, you fill water glasses, I'll make salads. Parker Scavo: [Brings a check and money] Hey mom, this is for table 5. Lynette Scavo: Ok, thanks. Uh, you didn't give them enough change. Parker Scavo: Yeah, I know. i figured this out, you can short people one percent and they won't even notice. If they've got a buzz on, three percent. Lynette Scavo: Ok, you make the salads, I'll handle the register. Lynette Scavo: [the twins are fighting over who will wait on a hot lady] Well since I'm the only one who can wait on that table without knocking over the drink with my pants, how 'bout I take it?
	Season 5 / Episode 15: - In a World Where the Kings are Employers Lynette Scavo: What's going on here? Preston Scavo: Those kids go to our school. Porter Scavo: And you know who that big guy is? Kevin McDurmot, the guy called me 'Jesus' for a year cause I wore sandals for one day! If he sees me wearing this, I'll never hear the end of it. Tom Scavo: Fine, don't wear the apron. Porter Scavo: No. I'm not gonna wait on a kid who's gonna make fun of me on Monday morning. It's humiliating enough having to work here. Parker Scavo: [looking shocked] Guys, I just sat a twelve-top, who's taking it? Tom Scavo: I will. [they all look shocked]
	Season 5 / Episode 14: - Mama Spent Money When She Had None Katherine Mayfair: Susan Mayer for God's sake, give me back my pearls. Susan Mayer: [Susan grabs hold of the towel] Pearls or towel, you decide. Katherine Mayfair: You wouldn't dare! Susan Mayer: I have been naked once on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story. Katherine Mayfair: Have you lost your mind? Susan Mayer: Mike said he can't afford to pay for MJ's private school, now I know why! He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him! Katherine Mayfair: He wouldn't pay for MJ's school? Susan Mayer: No. So, I was gonna take these and sell them to try to pay for it and now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds. Katherine Mayfair: I can't believe Mike would do that. Susan Mayer: Well... he did. Parker Scavo: [Smiling, waves to them] Hey Mrs. Mayfair, it's nice to see you.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Home is the Place Susan: I need a man in my life! Lee McDermott: Why? We're so useless.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Home is the Place Susan: I need a man in my life! Bob Hunter: Why? We're so useless.
	Season 5 / Episode 10: - A Vision's Just a Vision Lynette Scavo: So, Parker how's that science project you've been working on? Parker Scavo: Guess we're done talking about my science project, huh? Lynette Scavo: Yes, sweety we are.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Me and My Town Carlos Solis: Did I ever tell you when I knew I was going to marry you? Gabrielle Solis: First time you saw me on the runway. Carlos Solis: Nooo. That's when I knew I was gonna sleep with you. [chuckles] Nah, I knew I was going to marry you the night we went to that restaurant on 3rd Street. Gabrielle Solis: Mmm. I remember that place. Carlos Solis: Mm-hmm. You wore a white linen sundress and [chuckles] you ordered this giant plate of ribs. And you ate them with such gusto - up to your elbows in barbecue sauce, meat hanging from your teeth and grease in your hair - and when it was all over, I pointed out what a mess you were. You pulled out your mirror, took a look at yourself, and just let out this huge, happy, totally unrestrained laugh. The room completely filled with it, and I thought to myself now that is a sound I'd like to hear the rest of my life. That's why I proposed to you. And it had nothing to do with your looks. Gabrielle Solis: You know when I decided I wanted to be with you forever? Carlos Solis: No. When? Gabrielle Solis: About two seconds ago. [kisses Carlos] Up until then, it was pretty touch and go.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Me and My Town Susan Mayer: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - There's Always a Woman Katherine Mayfair: [to Bree] I have a job. No kids to raise, no husband, no boyfriend.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - There's Always a Woman Orson Hodge: They got him for organ trafficking. Bree Hodge: What?
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - There's Always a Woman Katherine Mayfair: I tell you if I'm not careful this guy could steal my heart. Bree Hodge: Well if he tries you let me know.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Mirror, Mirror Orson Hodge: [to Bree] I want a divorce.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Mirror, Mirror Karen McCluskey: [to Dave] Stop screwing with me!
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Mirror, Mirror Dr. Baron: [to Gabrielle] You're pregnant.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Mirror, Mirror Karen McCluskey: You planned this whole thing. The party... breaking into my house... my reaction. You're trying to get rid of me. Dave Williams: Yes... and I'm sorry it had to be you. Karen McCluskey: 'Cause I know you're up to something. Something awful. Dave Williams: You don't know what "awful" is. Well... you take care of yourself Karen. I mean that.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Back in Business Carlos Solis: [to Gabrielle] You want blind sex? I can arrange that?
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Back in Business Juanita Solis: What were you two doing? Carlos Solis: Uh... we were, uh...
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Back in Business Carlos Solis: Why don't we just tell her the truth? Gabrielle Solis: What? Mommy rides Daddy like a mechanical bull for jewelry.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Back in Business Celia Solis: Sperm! Gabrielle Solis: Juanita, stop talking to your sister.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Back in Business Bethany: Boys have sperm. Peggy: We need to talk.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else Susan Meyer: [about Juanita] She could take down a small deer.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Kids Ain't Like Everybody Else Gabrielle Solis: Are you saying Juanita is fat for her age? Susan Meyer: Gaby, Juanita is fat for your age.

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